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Spartan117
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8 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
My Goals

So last week was my first "official" week off work, and it was kind of boring...BUT I did manage to get a lot of things accomplished. I visited with my therapist, and we had a great session so I'm really looking forward to seeing her again. But the biggest thing I did was I went to a college here in the city to inquire about the Animal Health Technology program (basically, that would make me a veterinary assistant). Anyway, it was pretty scary but I went - by myself! The reason why school(s) scare me is because University is where I first had my panic attacks, and not knowing what they were. I'll admit I'm just ecstatic to go back to school next fall, but at the same time really scared too. I'm afraid of failure, just terrified...especially in a school setting because in 2006 I had to withdraw from University because of my panic. I'm just afraid that this is what will happen again next fall. I had a good hour long chat with my brother's girlfriend, who graduated from the AHT program this summer, and she told me all about the school, her job and everything and I was just THRILLED I can't even begin to explain how excited I was. But then these memories keep flooding back to me...y'know, like...going to school and stuff. I'm just scared. I don't want a repeat of what happened in 2006. I want to be good at something, I want to succeed - I don't want the panic holding me back all the time. I think what scares me the most is that say during the coming year I get all better and I start leading a normal life again and then all of a sudden I go to school and then bam...panic sets in and then I'm back to square one. I think out of all this...that's what scares me the most.
 
Thanks for reading,
 Spartan
Spartan117
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8 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
My Goals

Again, thank you ALL for your insight. It's always very helpful and put a big smile on my face today. I've gotten a lot better at spotting the negative thoughts that pop into my head and telling them to go away, or just trying to switch them to something positive. But man, it's hard! Holy cow! It's hard to describe...but imagine you're trying to swim out to sea but there are waves constantly pounding you, making it near impossible to get out to sea. Well that's what it's like with my thoughts - the waves are the negative thoughts just crashing down and being overbearing but at least now I can spot them and tell them to back off. So that's good! :)
 
Spartan
Spartan117
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8 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
In school : Geography lessons

I first experienced panic attacks in University, so I can relate to your situation. When you said, "I sit there waiting for an attack to happen...", that sounds like a chapter out of my book. I think a lot of people who experience panic attacks do that, it's part of a cycle; but you can also break that cycle.  It can be tough because there's really no "quick fix", and that's the part that I didn't like. I suggest trying out the program here, I've found it mighty beneficial and I'm still just working on Session 1 :)
 
Spartan

Spartan117
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8 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
on my own for a month

TassieMatt:  I read your first post in this thread, then I continued to read all the updates and I have to say it made me smile. It's just so COOL to see how you started off and now just a few days later you seem so much more positive. It's awesome to say the least, and it definitely gives inspiration to others, like myself, who are going through the same battle with anxiety and panic. Keep it up! We'll be here rooting for you :D
 
Spartan
Spartan117
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8 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Losing control?

Hi everyone,
 
Been a while since I posted - I've been here lingering and reading, but now it's time to post. 
 
Over about the last 10-12 days or so, I have not been doing so well. I've completed sections 1 and 2 in the CBT program here, but it just feels like my fears and anxiety have gone through the roof.  I sleep about 12-14 hours a day, I have no desire to clean my house (which I'm usually VERY picky about having a clean house), I don't want to eat, I'm just moody and irritable, and I don't really care if I bathe or not. I'll just lay on the couch ALL day and watch TV or movies. This just bothers me because I know there are so many things I need to do, but I just don't care. I honestly believe that I'm being reclusive like this because of my symptoms and the way I feel. I'm just so dizzy and tired, and my stomach hurts, and I always have a headache. Yesterday my husband made me go for a walk with him, and I was just miserable the entire time - I seriously wanted to cry. The only reason I went for a walk was because it was with him, I would never go by myself - and that's a new thing too. I was employed only a month ago and I would have to take the bus to work and home and I never had a problem with that. But now, just to go for a walk by myself around my house is near impossible. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control, and that I'm going backwards with this healing process instead of forward.
 
Thanks for reading,
Spartan
Spartan117
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8 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Completing the Panic Program

Teebs - - that's just awesome!! I'm so excited for you! Thanks so much for sharing this with us, it's especially inspirational for someone like me who's experiencing some disappointing setbacks right now. I hope you keep covering the ground that you want to, and keep making progress. :)
 
Spartan
Spartan117
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8 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
A brand new low?

Hey all,
 
Just when I thought I had already experienced the lowest of lows in my life, I experience a brand new low - like right now for example. I feel like my anxiety has morphed again into something bigger and scarier: paranoia. I don't know what has brought this on; I really wish I could figure this out. Like all of a sudden I am terrified, and I mean terrified to the point of tears of being left home alone.  I just feel like I'm always being watched, or that I see things out of the corner of my eye...and now I'm confusing the thoughts in my head as "voices", and that's just beyond frustrating. I'm beginning to wonder if I am really "losing it".  I'm at my wits end I just don't know what to do. My thoughts are all negative as it is, and the harder I try to get rid of those thoughts the worse things feel. I don't really know how to explain it other than I'm a paranoid wreck, and I want more than anything to just feel "normal" again.

Spartan
Spartan117
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8 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
A brand new low?

Juanita, Davit - thank you for replying.

Davit - I'm currently not taking any medications at all, I try not to because I don't like loading myself up
with chemicals. I used to take medication (Celexa and Wellbutrin) for depression and anxiety, but weaned off
of them earlier this year. Since then I've been caffeine and drug free in every sense of the word. I'm more of a
Naturopath now, I'll drink herbal teas if I don't feel well. So to answer your question, I haven't been taking
any medications at all.

As for the paranoia, this is more of a recent thing and by recent I mean in the last week to two weeks. There are
moments in between where I do feel "normal" or calm, and then I feel good...then the paranoia comes back and then
I feel more frustrated than ever.

And your final question...was I feeling better? I have to admit that yes, I was starting to feel better. I was taking
the bus sometimes and getting through my 5 hour volunteer shifts at the Vet clinic. Rebound is a very interesting topic
that I never really thought of until you brought it up. I was just convinced that I was "losing it".

Thanks as always for your input. Reading your replies actually did lift my spirits, even just a little...and that felt good.

Spartan
Spartan117
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8 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
A brand new low?

Davit - thanks as always for your wisdom. Sometimes I wish there was a lab test to figure out if there is a chemical imbalance in my brain or not. That would sure make things a lot easier. I sure understand that doing things naturally is a lot of work, but I'm going to try and try and try as hard as I can. Yesterday and today were remarkably better, but I know that there might be other days where I feel awful again. I just do my best to be as positive as possible and do my CBT everyday :)
 
Spartan

Spartan117
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8 years ago 0 Spartan117 49 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Can´t Live Like This Anymore

{I know it's long...but if you have time please read and offer some insight. Thanks.}
 
I have no one to blame but myself. Today is quite possibly the worst day of my life.
 
I was at a concert tonight, my favorite band in the entire world actually and they finally came to my city. My husband and I saw them 4 years ago in Minneapolis, so we've been waiting a while to see them again. I was so excited for months, and today especially - I spent hours getting ready, and I was fine until we got to the venue. I was so excited about the concert that I totally forgot about my anxiety interfering with this day. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've never been more angry and upset...honestly, never. My husband wanted to stand at the front but I can hardly stand being in a room with more than 20 people, so that was out of the question. I told him I would stand on the side and watch. So I did as he and my two brothers and our best friends rocked out and then I started to feel worse. I tried so hard to stay and just focus on the music but then I had a full blown panic attack. I didn't have a cell phone, car keys, bottle of water, or my husband - I was alone in a room full of thousands of people. I couldn't take it...I managed to "swim" my way to the front of the crowd just to find my husband so I could get the car keys so I could go home. He looked...really sad, disappointed almost I guess because he know how excited I was about this event. But he let me go anyway...
 
So as I type this right now they're all still there at the venue enjoying quite possibly the best concert I've ever missed. Some of you will say a concert big whoop, no big deal. Well, to me it is a big deal. My husband and I grew closer together as we were dating years ago because of our love of music; and when other people our age would be going out to the bar and partying we'd save up our money to go to concert after concert after concert, and collect memorabilia and such.
 
How can I continue to live like this when I can't even do the last thing that I love to do? I've been reduced to nothing, I don't even think I can call this living...I'm barely surviving. Nothing has ever phased me before this like. Because of my anxiety I've lost friends, jobs, basically my "life". Yes I'm still alive, I'm just not the same person I used to be...not even close. I used to be that girl who'd be at the front of the concert with literally thousands of people behind her with not a single fear about it. Now...just thinking about going back to the venue is making me nauseous. Nothing has ever stung like this before. As I was driving home by myself I cried...I cried so hard I thought I was going to puke, and I pleaded with God to just let me be normal. Why do I have to be like this? Why can't I just be normal and do the things I love to do? Or used to love...for that matter. 
 
I get it now...I really do. As I was bawling my eyes out on the way home it finally clicked, I get it now...I have to work at this. No more procrastinating. No more lazy days of lying around and doing nothing. No more excuses. I am the world's biggest procrastinator, and now I've felt the full sting of that trait. I thought I was comfortable in my little "comfort box" or my apartment as everyone else knows it, but really I'm 23 I can't be stuck like this forever. I have so much life to live and there's no way I can just sit back and watch...especially because I remember the way I used to be.
 
I could keep writing...but I wont. I've never felt more anger and rage at myself for giving up on one of the most exciting days of my life. As I was walking out I wanted to blame my husband for letting me be there alone, but I realize now that I have no one to blame but myself...
 
 Spartan