not sure. We bring my stepson over every week for piano lessons. For the most part I just put up a brick wall in my head and block her out. Our issues go way back. When I was about 10 or 11 my big brother started abusing me for about two years. When I finally got the courage to tell her, she refused any sort of counseling, and told me if I went, they would tear the family apart and into foster care. Her way of dealing with it was to pretend it never happened. or if I talked about it, it was my fault for letting him. sorry. this is hard for me to write.
anyways, by the time I was in my teens I was depressed, I hated myself, used to think about cutting, or suicide. Never did though. I'd withdrawn from everybody around me. I couldn't stand anyone touching me, even casually. I developed bad eating patterns that I still struggle with occasionally. and that's when I first started having panic attacks.
I went to see a counselor at a church I attended at the time. That drove a bigger wedge between my mom and I. but it did help me deal with some of the issues I was having. I'm sure I could use more counseling but I'm not sure I'm ready to dig that deep just yet.
It was a little while after that I moved out. I was trying my hardest to come out of the hole, and she seemed determined to keep me in it.
thanks for listening. I gotta go or I'll miss my bus to work.