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Cori J
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9 years ago 0 Cori J 30 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Hi All

Hi everyone. I'm Cori. I'm in my mid 20's. I used to get anxiety attacks about 6 years ago. I went to counseling for some issues I had at the time, and they went away for a while. Now they're back. It's like a tape recorder in my head that just never stops until I get way too worked up.
One weekend I managed to get only 11 hours sleep over three nights, and i also started having anxiety attacks. (went into work one day after 2 hours sleep) I went in to the doctor that monday, and he checked my thyroid levels, as that's in my family history. It all came back normal and he said it was panic disorder. I'm on some meds this time, just so I can sleep. I've been on them for a week now, and they seem to be helping, although they make me feel stupid and slow. But for now, I'll take the sleep.
The hardest part for me is nobody to talk to. I don't have many friends, and no close friends. My BF and his son don't understand how I'm feeling, and why I need to just shut down sometimes. I just sometimes feel like it's too much, and I have to escape.
I'm glad I found this site though. It helps me to know I'm not losing my mind (though it sure feels like it). and I've read other posts, and you people are feeling exactly how I am. 
Anyways, that's my story in short. Thanks for listening.
~Cori~
Cori J
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9 years ago 0 Cori J 30 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Hi All

Thank you. That means a lot.

Cori J
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9 years ago 0 Cori J 30 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Working w/ Panic Disorder

I find music really helps me calm down. I'm a musical person, and that is my happy place. It gives me something better to focus on, and it drowns out the noise going through my head.
Cori J
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9 years ago 0 Cori J 30 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Working w/ Panic Disorder

oh, I know you can't do this at work, but my animals really help me too. My cat is a dear. he can tell if I'm having a bad day, and he'll come over and give me hugs and kisses.  It's hard not to feel a little more relaxed with him purring right in my ear. And they don't judge you or think you're weird.
Cori J
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9 years ago 0 Cori J 30 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Hi All

well I've figured out a definite trigger for my attacks. my mother has the capacity to stress me out more than any human alive. just the thought of talking to her gets my heart pounding. I hate confrontation, and I know there will be one around her. She wants to know what's wrong but she doesn't understand. To her, everything not happy is an attitude problem, or it's for attention - a temper tantrum. It got to the point a few years ago, where I moved out, and I couldn't talk to her for a year. We're talking again, but it's a shaky bridge we've built.
Cori J
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9 years ago 0 Cori J 30 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Hi All

not sure. We bring my stepson over every week for piano lessons. For the most part I just put up a brick wall in my head and block her out. Our issues go way back. When I was about 10 or 11 my big brother started abusing me for about two years. When I finally got the courage to tell her, she refused any sort of counseling, and told me if I went, they would tear the family apart and into foster care. Her way of dealing with it was to pretend it never happened. or if I talked about it, it was my fault for letting him. sorry. this is hard for me to write.
anyways, by the time I was in my teens I was depressed, I hated myself, used to think about cutting, or suicide. Never did though. I'd withdrawn from everybody around me. I couldn't stand anyone touching me, even casually. I developed bad eating patterns that I still struggle with occasionally. and that's when I first started having panic attacks. 
I went to see a counselor at a church I attended at the time. That drove a bigger wedge between my mom and I. but it did help me deal with some of the issues I was having. I'm sure I could use more counseling but I'm not sure I'm ready to dig that deep just yet.
It was a little while after that I moved out. I was trying my hardest to come out of the hole, and she seemed determined to keep me in it. 
 
thanks for listening. I gotta go or I'll miss my bus to work.
Cori J
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9 years ago 0 Cori J 30 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Hi All

Yeah. Sometimes it is easier to type than talk. It's hard for me to talk without getting too emotional, but I can still type with tears coming down, as long as I'm not shaking too much.
His control was mostly mental. I was the youngest in the family, with two older brothers, so I was always on the outs. Like you said with your brother, he'd be nice when he wanted something from me, and ignore me otherwise. I bought into it, because I wanted to be liked. As it progressed, he'd convinced me that I'd get in a lot of trouble if I told, so I never did for two years. I guess in a twisted way he was right. I've had trouble from my mom for the rest of my life since I told. 

Cori J
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9 years ago 0 Cori J 30 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
Working w/ Panic Disorder

My cat is more demanding and sucky than that though. It's good, because he won't let me retreat inside my head; he demands happy thoughts and affection, licks up my tears if they fall. He's had a bit of baggage too, (two crappy homes before mine) so we support each other in a sense. he needs the love, and I need to give it.
 
~Cori
   ~really more of a bunny person than a cat person.
 
and they do listen when you talk too. they understand more than you think. 

Cori J
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9 years ago 0 Cori J 30 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
In a Pickle

oh dear. It seems Murphy has it in for me. I have to choose between two situations that stress me out (and are triggers). My brother has offered me a job on the side helping him build his website. He was the main cause of the anxiety I suffered 6 or so years ago. I desperately need the money he's ready to hand me. My BF is off work due to an injury, so there's a lot of financial strain as well. that's another trigger. I know I need to take the opportunity for my family (BF and his son). It would take a lot of strain off me.
But if I do that, then I have to talk to him on a weekly basis probably. I'm not sure if I'm ready to face my demons yet. I can't talk to him about the past. He'll just deny anything ever happened. and I'm not sure if I can stand to be around him with that hanging between us.
I just don't know what to do, or who to talk to. How do you cope with a bad situation you're stuck in? I'm not a selfish person, so I find it near impossible to put my needs before my family's needs.  Really, I couldn't care less if he fell of the face of the earth. He doesn't feel like much of a brother, just an enemy from the past better off forgotten.
Why does this job have to come from him, of all people?  Curses Murphy! Leave me alone!
~Cori

Cori J
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9 years ago 0 Cori J 30 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo
In a Pickle

yes I'm just going to have to keep it as impersonal as i can. The only reason he's still in my life at all is not for him, it's for the rest of his family. His wife is a wonderful person and he has to beautiful daughters. I couldn't cut them out of my life.
I don't know. maybe he's changed over the years. I'd like it if I could talk about it. I don't think he even knows how much he's hurt me, or how much damage he's done to the family. Similar situation with him and my younger brother. He never told me about it, but he overdosed on some meds, and washed it down with booze and ended up in the hospital. that's when I figured out he was hurting as much as I was. He got to the point where he was having blackouts and he was afraid he'd pound somebody and not be able to stop.
After a few years of not even knowing if he's alive, I found him on facebook. He has now moved clear across the country. I'm the only one in the family he'll even talk to anymore. He called family services on my other brother, to check on the family. He's as worried as I am for my two little nieces.
I know I'm blabbing on a bit, but silence is killing me. I'm sick of hiding my real self and it's a lot easier to type things out, than to try and talk about it, getting all emotional and choked up. My family seems full of secrets.My mom seemed too concerned with having a perfect looking family, that she turned a blind eye to any ugly spots.
 
thanks for listening
~Corinna