This will be our last post on anger management. Today, we will be discussing skills as opposed to strategies. What’s the difference? Skills take more time to develop so be sure to remember to not come down hard on yourself and to keep practicing these new skills.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get much exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. They also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions€”frustration, disappointment, hurt€”but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to€”and act on€”conclusions and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger€”or a partner's€”let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Next week we will be taking a more in depth look at communication skills and patterns to help you practice and improve this skill.
We now invite members to post any victories, questions or improvements they may have noticed since the beginning of the month.
Some individuals tend to have extreme communication styles (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive) because they feel that their needs and expectations aren’t being met in relationships that they consider to be important.
When people don’t believe that their needs are being met they can either give up (passive) or try to get what they want in a different way (aggressive, passive-aggressive). As we’ve seen, these extreme styles tend to lead to relationship problems such as:
Extreme communication styles usually result in people communicating in a number of unhelpful ways.
Passive Communication Style
When people communicate in a passive way, they tend to communicate their belief that other peoples’ rights and needs are more important than their own. People who communicate in a passive way often let others make all of the decisions and generally agree with those decisions in order to avoid conflict or rejection. In other words, people who communicate in a passive way may know what they need and want, but they’d rather avoid expressing their needs in order to avoid conflict or rejection.
People who have a very passive communication style can convince themselves that they are nice and easy going, and make good friends and romantic partners. At first glance, such a person may sound like a good friend or romantic partner. However, people who are extremely passive are actually kind of difficult to get along with because they have a hard time telling you what they really want and they rarely make solid decisions. So, if you’re in a relationship with a person who has a very passive communication style you spend a lot of time trying to decide what to do and usually have to guess what the other person really wants. This can get really irritating. People want others to express what they really want, at least some of the time.
It’s also easy for passive communicators to get aggressive. This happens when people who usually communicate passively get tired of not expressing what they really need and want. Because they rarely articulate their needs, they almost never get what they want. Subsequently they can get frustrated and angry with others for not knowing (guessing) what they need - and as a result of this they express their needs aggressively.
Aggressive Communication Style
When people communicate in an aggressive way they tend to communicate their belief that their rights and needs are more important than the rights and needs of others. People who communicate aggressively often bully others to ensure that they get what they want. Sometimes people who communicate in an aggressive way are just jerks. However, sometimes people communicate their needs aggressively because they fear that if they don’t force people to respond to their needs and wants, they won’t get anything in return.
Passive-Aggressive Communication Style
When individuals communicate in a passive-aggressive way, they say things and do things that give the appearance that they believe that other peoples’ needs are more important than their own. But this is deceptive because they are actually putting their own needs first. People who communicate in a passive-aggressive way try to get their needs met by preventing other people from getting their needs met. They act like they’re easy to get along with but they’re often communicating that they’re unhappy with how things are. They can do this by pouting, sulking and withdrawing. Sometimes they’ll express themselves by making a scene (slamming doors, throwing things, making faces, etc.). They often say things through their actions, but not through direct words.
The problem with passive-aggressive communication is that the people they communicate with only receive negative feedback about their needs and wants. Instead of directly expressing what they want, passive-aggressive people indirectly express what they don’t want. As a result, the other person in the relationship feels criticized, helpless and like they can’t do anything right. It is difficult to guess what somebody really needs and it is painful to only receive negative feedback about what somebody doesn’t want.
How often do you communicate in this manner? Today we challenge you to keep count with a pen and paper. As you track, don’t forget to note the 5 W’s of your communication: Who was there? What happened? Where did it happen? And why did it happen?
Members, please do share your results here and stay tuned for more CBT forums!
This month we have discussed anger & communication skills. This week we will explore specific problematic communication patterns...
Blaming
Blaming is what happens when you try hard to convince yourself and the other person that the problem is the other person’s fault. Unless you’re trapped in an abusive relationship, start with the assumption that you’re 50% responsible for the problem and the other person is 50% responsible.
Self-Blame
Sometimes, when people have a problem in a relationship they often believe that the problem is entirely their fault. Instead of trying to solve the problem in the relationship they spend a lot of time thinking about what a terrible, miserable and rotten person they are. As you might guess, instead of getting the problem solved, such thinking can lead to sadness.
Another possibility is to use the Responsibility Pie technique.
The technique is pretty simple. First, write down a list of all the factors that are responsible for creating the situation that makes you feel ashamed or guilty, including you. Next, record how much responsibility you want to give to each factor as a percentage out of the total of 100%. Next, draw a circle on a piece of paper. Finally start assigning each factor that is responsible for the situation a slice of the Responsibility Pie. The best way to do this is to make the size of each slice proportional to the responsibility that you assign to that factor. For example, if you assign yourself 50% responsibility, then give yourself half of the Responsibility Pie.
Denying Your Needs
People who communicate with a very passive style often deny their own feelings and needs. They feel sad, angry, or hurt but they deny their feelings and needs, even when asked directly. As a result, they get frustrated and angry because they feel unheard and disrespected. Other people get frustrated and angry because they have to guess what the passive person is feeling and needing. The answer to this problem is to adopt a more assertive communication style. More about that a little bit later…
Yes Butting
People who communicate in a passive or passive-aggressive way can do a lot of “yes butting.” In response to any suggestion from the other person for how to solve a problem or make a decision they say “yes, but…” Usually people who “yes but” don’t come up with any solutions of their own, they just reject all of the solutions of the other person. If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who is a “yes, butter” you know how frustrating it can be. No matter what you try to suggest, it isn’t quite good enough. So, what happens? That’s right, eventually you respond to the constant rejection by giving up and withdrawing. The solution to “yes, butting” is to recognize the symptoms, inhibit the impulse to criticize, assert what you really need and want, and be prepared to compromise.
Timing
Timing IS everything. Sometimes we assert our needs and wants at the wrong time. As a result, we don’t get what we need or want. We get an argument. The secret to timing is to get better at taking the other person’s perspective and understanding what they need and want. More about this a bit later…
This week we challenge you to keep count. How many times have you fallen into these problematic communication patterns? As you track, don’t forget to note the 5 W’s of your anger: Who was there? What happened? Where did it happen? And why did it happen?
Don’t forget to share your results here and to tune in next week for part IV!
Faryal - Health Educator
Faryal - Health Educator
Your anxiety can high during these expected situations. Why not plan for them? If you know you will be going on a trip or long commute, get active and prepare.
Use the weekend to challenge those thoughts and use the exposure therapy to help you progress through each situation.
Share with us what you have done to help you prepare for these trips.
Faryal - Health Educator
Fact: As a group, people with mental illness are no more violent than any other group. The mentally ill are more likely to be the victims of crime than to be violent themselves.
Faryal - Health Educator
