Hello, everyone. I'm posting to introduce myself, as I just joined this website today. I am a 41 year old stay at home mom/wife to two children and a husband and a part-time doctoral student working on dissertation research. I have battled this disease since childhood, by myself for the most part. I wrote a blog post with my "story" of depression, and if you'd like to know more about me I'd love for you to read it. I hope that this program will truly help me. I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and alone.
Hugs,
Super Girl
I just joined this group too. I've had depression almost my whole life. I wish you well on your journey here. You're right - it is really hard to tell people about struggling with depression. There is still such a stigma with mental illness. I have kept my depression secret from everyone except for my husband and two close friends. It's easier somehow to talk about my OCD-related problems than depression. Perhaps because some of these things are pretty obvious to the outside world and hard to disguise!
When I'm stuck in a negative spiral I try to remind myself to take things one small bit at a time. I can focus on doing the small things and try to avoid getting overwhelmed by the big picture.
Hugs,
Super Girl
I try to remember that it's not my fault that I have depression. It is an illness. I have bad days and I have good days.
It makes me think about times when I've set out to lose weight, some days I do a good job "controlling" myself by eating healthy, and some days I just go off he rails and eat a whole bag of Reese's peanut butter cups. Yeah, I didn't do such a good job that day but that doesn't mean that tomorrow can't be better. I felt really guilty and ashamed when I quit therapy because my psychiatrist wasn't a good fit for me, but I feel good about taking a step toward managing my depression my seeing a psychiatrist and by joining this site.
So far I like this program, but I wish there was more active discussion on the forums from current members. I realize that everyone is in a different place in their processes, so not everyone wants or needs to reach out to others. I just feel so alone and like I don't have anyone to talk to who understands me.
I have always been shy too. Having serious conversations about most anything makes me emotional, even after being married for 12 years! One thing that I have a hard time with is making eye contact during conversations - i just start to cry when things get tough - so I find it helpful sometimes to talk while we are driving in the car. If one of us is focusing on the road then somehow it seems easier for me to say stuff. Start small, with something that won't ruffle many feathers for either one of you. If you keep practicing it will eventually get easier.
One thing that helped me when I was much younger - right when I graduated from college - was getting a simple
Job at a local coffee shop. (Not a big chain, somewhere small with no pressure.) interacting with customers helped me break out of my shell a little bit. I had a reason to talk to them ("you look like you could use a cappuccino and a bear claw!") and it helped me get over some of my shyness!
Hugs,
Super Girl
I learned something about my father this weekend that has floored me. My parents divorced when I was six, and I have never known the reason. 35 years later I finally got the nerve to ask my mom what happened. I had kind of assumed that the issue was money or the time my dad had t put in at his job or that he didn't want to have the third child that came along surprisingly. It turns out that he had been having an affair for years - at least 3 years. My mom kept giving him time to work things out, but one day he just left and never came back. After a year she filed for divorce.
This has made me so so upset. I wanted to know and I deserved to know because not only did he leave my mom, he left three children - under the age of 5. And I just keep thinking to myself "what kind of a person DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT? What kind of a jerk has an affair when his wife is home with a toddler and a newborn? What kind of person continues this when his wife is pregnant, when they move to a different city? What kind of a person marries this horrible woman after his wife divorced him and makes his kids live part time with the two of them?? It is just sick and disturbing and I'm so pissednoff that this man ruined my childhood and set me up for a lifetime of dealing with the emotional trauma that all of this caused. I keep thinking that it wasn't about the kids that it was something between my parents only, but then I think NO. NO it WAS about my brothers and about me too. It's about someone who cares about their own selfish things and puts those things above anybody and anything else. When you decide to get married and decide to have children, you no longer can make decisions solely as an individual. What you do affects everyone in the family and thus affected my entire life. I feel betrayed, cheated out of a "normal" childhood, a "normal" family. My childhood was such a disaster and it was this selfish jerk that made it that way.
And it's thanksgiving and I'm supposed to be feeling thankful and happy and loving and I just don't want to.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I just still feel so shocked. It's like someone punched me and I'm dazed. I keep finding myself completely zoned out for who knows how long. Coping right now in the immediate here and now I've been trying to keep myself busy...cooking cleaning folding laundry. If I can keep my body and mind occupied then I don't have to think about this at least consciously. Part of my depression has always been those horrible intrusive thoughts and keeping busy helps me keep them at bay.
I wish I had people to lean on. My first instinct was to call one of my brothers but I don't want to share with him something he doesn't want to or need to hear. Life is hard enough without someone else forcing bad thoughts on you. He is younger than I am so I don't know how much he remembers of our early childhood and if he doesn't remember things then he is spared some of the pain.
My husband doesn't really get it. Divorce is so "taboo" in his extended family and what I'm feeling is not something he can understand. I live over 1,000 miles away from my entire family so there isn't anyone I can turn to for support. I've reached out to a friend in my social circle, but not much is going to come from that.
Anyway, thank you for caring and listening. I am glad that I joined this site. Maybe this set back will be the push that I need to continue the work that I have started here.
Super powers...right now I'm relying on the unconditional love of my dog who just wants to play, have a treat, and take a nap. Such a life and such calmness she brings me!
Super Girl
I had to go back and reread the part about IDS. I also have trouble getting started, stopping and starting again. I often forget to even check into this site because I get so bogged down. Its overwhelming to deal with depression thinking and negative self-defeating thoughts. I tend to shut down and feel like I'd rather disappear. And in some ways I do disappear - behind my phone, with my compulsive behaviors, with my anxiety.
When I get motivated to pull myself out, I try to start focusing on goals that are more achievable - and sometimes I have to do baby steps, like my goal today is to brush my teeth and take a shower. It's scary how easily these basic hygiene steps fall by the wayside for me when I'm really low. I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, but be comforted in the fact that others are struggling in the same way. There are probably people reading this discussion whose goals are simply to log on to this site each day. I hope we bring them comfort and support as they see how we are doing on our journey.
Super Girl
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