I have MDD (noticeably for 21 years) and I want a change

Hello, My name is Drew I have suffered from MDD for years, since I was seven. I also have ADD which seems to create a lot the behaviors and feelings associated with depression. It has resulted in broken relationships, anger, abuse of alcohol and other substances I have never really been able to snap out of it. I constantly feel inadequate, anxious, self-loathing, irritated, empty and worthless. I'm heading through my second master's program and while I have accomplished a lot I constantly feel like I am falling short of others' expectations and society's. It is a very primer master's program for career field I have been trying to break into you, everyone is quite self-directed and seems to be a much faster learner, more intuitive, and better at following instructions than me. I did very well this summer being off on my own at a professional enhancing internship and for several weeks I felt totally able and without my standard feelings depression. However returning to Cooperstown and new experiences and things outside my comfort zone I have slid back into my same depressive patterns. I keep looking for reassurance which I usually get, but it never satisfies me in the long-run. My dad a successful doctor and my mom is a successful nurse, my brother (who is four years younger than me) has a great job and an officer's commission in the army. I never feel able to achieve the level of professional achievement and repute they have because of my limiting beliefs and fixation on my faults and failures. I have had a some of failures as a adult in terms of launching a career and measuring that I just allow to haunt and torment me mentally, a vicious cycle. Many times during the day I feel like it would be a relief to either be dead or in jail. Absurd I know but I feel so hopeless like that. I overcompensate or suppress my feelings of inadequacy by overworking myself, obsessing over learning and drawing my attention away. I feel ill at ease when I'm not engrossing myself in work tasks, etc. Then I overwhelm myself with the details, potential outcome, and implications of what I am working on. It's not really a healthy escape I realize because my depressive thoughts and behaviors on resurface again. My relationships are very strained because of my wayward expectations. I certainly have not been able to hold down a girlfriend in some years attributable in large part to MDD and not working on it. This has left me very sexually frustrated and feeling romantically impotent and isolated.   I attend self-help meetings to combat my urge to drink and substance abuse which has DEFINITELY improved my physical and mental welfare, but prayer, taking a moral inventory and attending church do not quite cut it for me. I have made new friends who are just wonderful, but I feel that my internal involuntary inclination to feel depressed is preventing from benefitting from these regimens. I want to feel capable, motivated, and primed all day at any time with full confidence that I can do anything. I am not expecting miracles from this CBT, but I want to break this cycle of a downward spiral that going to continue until I'm homeless, dead, or insane. What should I try to be broad???

I have MDD (noticeably for 21 years) and I want a change

I always adrift, but I want to be content.

I have MDD (noticeably for 21 years) and I want a change

Thank you Samantha, I am visiting my physician tomorrow fortuitously and I will definitely bring the test in along with me. 

Projecting the Job Hunt...

Hi, I am about to finish my second master's in May (hence a time crunch). I've worked so very hard and borrowed a great deal of money that I hoped will land me the career of my dreams, which is in a very difficult field to break into. I have accomplished a lot, but yet I still do not feel I'm good enough when applying and feel overwhelmed by fears that this is hopeless. I can't project but how do I overcome this irrational but habitual thinking? What should I do to feel optimistic and capable with this pursuit of new employment which is in reality a fresh start for me? I really need to take it one day at a time for starters... Willing to listen to any advice.

Projecting the Job Hunt...

Thanks. Mmmm, what do you mean by that?

Projecting the Job Hunt...

Sorry a lot of the anxiety is the high expectations and my colleagues at school "greater adeptness" in learning and getting a handle what new tasks and assignments we receive at school. I had a lot of anxieties today over writing a cover letter for a potential job lead and then my mind kind of ran wild with negative thoughts. I try to leave it all to God my higher power, but I cant shake the feelings of doubt and uncertainty. I know I a lot of my trouble stems from dwelling on the past and self-comparison to others. I need to challenge these and disempower them. The cover letter should turn out totally fine, I am just going to give myself a nervous breakdown if I maintain the same attitude and my life will never change. It's potential interviews I am fretting about, etc and that I'm going to graduate this program at 29 years old have no job to transition right into. Not the end of the world, but perplexing to say the least.

Projecting the Job Hunt...

Thanks so much Ashley! I appreciate the hand you're extending me. My happiness and contentment is essential for one and an end to getting caught up in how everyone else is doing. My thesis project really touched a lot of middle school students lives in a economically depressed city and I feel great about that. BUT I can't rest on my laurels. I just want everything I have done to translate into job quickly, fulfillment, and ability, not just a hyper-focus on what I could have done better and what I did wrong. 

My personal issues with people in general

My personal issues with people in general

It also relates to "focusing on the negative" because I am letting this incident bring me down despite the progress I have made.