I read your story and recognized myself in it. I also used to have an enormous amount of rage internalized. I have had periods when my anger was the driving force behind my ambitions... later on I would be angry at myself for having that amount of anger. People around me were not aware of the amount of rage inside and if I would hint at it, they would advise me to let it go...
The main issue I had, was that I didn't really know what "letting it go" was. For me "letting it go" meant more or less repressing the memory, avoiding certain places and people...
Since I was diagnosed having a bipolar streak, I was prescribed medication that stabilizes my mood (a very low dose of lithium in my case). Now I know that "letting it go" means accepting the memory and not being bothered by it... the mood associated with the memory is no longer strong enough to direct my functioning. It is one of the most peaceful feelings I have ever had.
If you have a psychiatrist, you could bring up these feelings.
~m.. I can relate to that... when I am really depressed I can't do anything (Even getting up from the toilet can be a struggle).
Currently I am doing very well even though the external factors are not positive (losing money, no new contracts, friends moving out of country etc etc.) I am slowly getting my memory back (positive and negative memories), I am able to enjoy things I used to enjoy and I am able to enjoy compliments (I used to get embarrassed). I feel energized.
The only real change has been the medication which includes a mood stabilizer.
Currently I am working on a plan containing identified triggers, signals (Driving slowly is the first sign of depression) and steps to take when things are going wrong. I do it as part of a WRAP program.
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