I'm not sure if these are supposed to be long, but here goes...
I am 20-something female living in New York City working as a
counselor/housing specialist at a non-profit organization. It's a very
high-stress job. I've been living in the city for 5 years and doing
(part-time, mostly, as I was in college) social services work since age
17.
I have been in therapy since around age 15, when I started developing
signs of mild-moderate major depressive disorder and symptoms of
disassociation, which have continued, weirdly, to the present. At this
time, my drug-addicted father had left our family for a younger woman,
was heavily using, and things were generally in huge upheaval.
At age 18, I developed full-blown intense GAD and major/moderate MDD. I
was placed on Paxil, then Zoloft, with a lot of Xanax or other benzos to
keep me functional and in college. I tried multiple therapists, even
sticking with one for a year and another for several months, but never
found talk therapy very helpful with these individuals. Since then, I
have had "ups and downs" that I struggle with constantly. I also have
all the weird little health problems that people like us tend to
have--extreme muscle spasms, colitis, polycystic ovaries, and, of
course, chronic, severe migraine, which run in my family.
I like to think of myself as a happy person in reality. I love a lot of
people, I love my work, although it taxes the hell out of me, I love my
dog and all dogs, I love yoga, I love relaxing, I love nature. However,
the depression and anxiety often strip my "joyful self" leaving only
that skeletal creature you all probably recognize within yourselves.
The past two/three months I began to suffer severe physical anxiety constantly--a
non-focused, physical, heart palpitating, shaking anxiety--and started
taking Xanax XR to manage at work. In the past I have gone up on Lexapro
from 20 - 30 in times like that, but the sexual side-effects are too
much to take, and it wasn't going to be enough to cut it.
In the past 2-3 weeks, I had a severe recurrence of MDD that nearly left
me hospitalized. If it weren't for my seriously devoted pdoc, Abilify,
and a supportive family I would have ended up in a psych ward. That
scares me. I'm convinced the suicidal ideation was caused by Keppra, a drug my neurologist added for migraine prophylaxis.
Before I sprained my ankle, the plan was to keep me on Abilify for a few weeks to push the
depression back, drop the Keppra (as I believe that caused the
intrusive suicidal thoughts; my neurologist prescribed it for migraine),
increase the Lyrica to hopefully help with migraine prophylaxis (it
helped a lot for months at 300mg), keep me on only 10 mg Lexapro and
some wellbutrin if possible to help with sexual side-effects, and slowly
decrease the Xanax.been able to take it because I have to stay still as much as possible with my leg elevated, and it makes me completely unable to sit still.
Two days after I ended things with my boyfriend, I sprained my ankle and can't do anything for about two weeks. I'm missing him horribly and am dealing with the break-up as healthily as I can, but I feel rejected (big abandoned child syndrome) and alone (despite some good friends)
I am also having serious
trouble keeping my weight up due to my psych problems making me
nauseous and leading to a recurrence of smoking. Bad, bad girl. I'm 5'5" and 108 lbs, but I have a small frame. I'd like to stay around 110-112. I'm drinking protein shakes but I have no appetite.
I decided to seek support online because I'm really feeling a lack of support
from people in general, particularly those who can empathize. Al-Anon and ACOA meetings too
frequently are triggering
