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Posts created by Debora

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Very Scared

Hello,

I just signed up for this program and I am hoping and praying it will help me. I had this condition five years ago {panic depression anxiety and agorophobia and hypocrondria} five years ago and it went away and I was so grateful. Now it has come back with a vengence, I am basically housebound and only go out after dark I cannot tolerate the heat and sunshine I get dizzy faint and sick too my stomach, I am barely functioning and sleeping alot because its the only time the panic crying and pain go away for awhile, but you cannot sleep your life away and I have a special-needs teenager, a husband who works 12 hour days and no family nearby and very few friends, I feel so alone and isolated, the few friends I did have have gravitated away from me because of my condition and even my husband has, he is angry because this has been going on for eight months with no relief in sight. I have been seeing a therapist for five months {he comes to my home on insurance} but it has NOT been helpful in fact my husband thinks I am worse since seeing him, I also take klonopin {low dose} every day but I fear its going to hurt my liver and it does not work as well as before, I feel so alone like I am hopeless and beyond help.

When I suffered this five years ago I had a wonderful nurse practioner, some youth, and was not going through menopause. My nurse moved away {I see another one but its not the same} I am older and perimenopause is making it SO much worse! Am I "too old to get better" I am fifty and feel like its too late too get better like this is the way its going to be the rest of my life. My main worries are having a heart attack or stroke or getting cancer or getting locked up in a mental ward and leaving my son, I feel like now that I am older it will so much harder to get better and I know that is not positive thinking. This whole thing started last november, I got the flu then it went into broncitis, then I had an ovarian cyst burst, then another relapse of broncitis then I got a blood clot in my leg! and this all happened within six short weeks, somehow I got through the holidays but really fell apart in January, I really thought upping the klonopin and getting a therapist would help, I jumped right on it this time never did I think it would last this long and get worse, I am unable to take antidepressants because of severe side effects so Klonopin is all I have along with breathing and prayer, I have been praying for so long for God to help me or at least lessen it so I can function, I have lost so much because of this panic and depression, I fear I will lose my husband too, if I survive it, sometimes during an attack my blood pressure goes sky-high, like 176/104 and it terrifies me! Every panic I think I am dying, you would think after so many I would not think that but I do and now the depression has come, I cry everyday and the hypocrondria is so severe, I think that is what is causing the panic and crying. the severe bodily symptoms of death.

Has anyone ever been this bad and recovered? and I too old? I feel like all I have too look forward too is sickness, disease and old age, I feel like my life is over and I have spent so much time and money and I am even worse now, I am so afraid of death but I cannot live like this, its not fair too my son or husband. Is there hope? will this program help? will I ever be able to function again, even if it would just lessen or ease up it would help, I feel so scared and alone and people have been very very mean too me about this condition, my nurse called me a "nervous wreck" and my therapist hinted I got some "payoff" from it, 90% of my attacks come when I am alone so there is no payoff, I have lost such confidence in him since he said this.

I am so sorry this was so long, please forgive me, it felt some relief just too get it out. Do you think I can be helped at my age? Thank you very much for listening.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Very Scared

Thank you all for responding to me so warmly. I had trouble logging back in for two days or I would of wrote sooner I am so glad I was able to log back in today. I am so hoping this program will give me my life back, the panic and depression have been very severe and therapy has not been helpful and since I cannot take antidepressants because of the terrible side effects I suffered I am hoping that healing and recovery can still take place, my son needs me very much and I feel so bad that this disorder has effected him. Thank you so much again for welcoming me, everyone's words meant a lot.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Very Scared

Thank you Sunny for your reply, that must of been so scary for you I am so glad you are alright! I am so hoping the techniques can work for me too, this has been so hard on my body my marriage my health and my whole life.

I did not panic today {thank you God} but I have felt very physically sick all day. I woke up with a horrible headache I could barely see and very sick too my stomach, I thought I was having a stroke or some terrible fatal virus, I did not eat all day and I slept a lot which I did not want too do. Does anyone {even when not having an attack} feel sick and tired, nacous and dizzy and just plain blahh? I am afraid these bodily symptoms will bring on an attack, its very scary then I get depressed and cry and go to bed because I cannot handle the symptoms, is this normal? too feel sick even when not having a full blown attack?

I long for the day I can feel healthy and strong again, I feel if I could go just one short week I could turn the corner, depression with panic really is rough, and when I feel sick I get so anxious. Will this lessen in time? its so scary to feel so sick I feel so alone and terrified, my family and friends have just about given up on me and that makes me so sad, its hard for them to understand when they do not suffer from it, it makes me feel very bad, I hope this program can help me get my life back.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Very Scared

Thank you so much Sunny and Davit you both sound like you really understand how painful this disorder is and how I feel.

Tonight I have such a severe headache, its different from my "normal" headaches like I am having sharp pains all over, I am hoping it is because I have been reading a lot and trying not to think is a stroke or something. I am doing my diary and homework and doing my best to feel better. That was very helpful advice Sunny what you said and I will do it. As I mentioned I cannot take the antidepressants they made me violently ill and sent me to ER {that I am sure does not happen to most people I am just so med-sensitive} the klonopin helps take the edge off but I would rather not take meds but when the panic and anxiety get SO very bad I have no choice but to take the klonopin. I think the main problem is the hypocrondria I have to get over the feeling that I am dying all the time, that is what led to having panic attacks and then to depression.

I am going to really commit to getting better for my son whom I love dearly and who needs me with his special needs. Thank you all for being so kind and warm to me it means so much, thank you.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Very Scared

Thank you Bren. I am trying to fight off an attack right now I am home alone and getting very anxious, its so strange I do not want to be alone but I dont go out much because I look so bad and fear having an attack in front of people, many of my neighbors have asked questions why they do not see me anymore. I am doing the program and trying to relax and not let these bodily symptoms cause a full-blown attack, its very hard sometimes, I am willing to do the work to get better this has taken so much of my life already, I wish I could take the antidepressants but I cannot. You all have been so wonderful to me.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Very Scared

Thank you Vincenzia and Sunny for checking on me. I had a couple of decent days, no panic just very anxious, today I feel very sick, I did sleep well at all last night I could not fall asleep till almost 9:00 am! and then dozed off and woke up an hour later coughing and hacking and choking could hardly breathe, it really scared me. Right now I am trying not to panic, the bodily symptoms I fear are going to bring one on, I feel like crying too, my head is hurting and my vision blurred and I had a couple of "electric like shock pains" go down my left arm! that scared me to death, I took my pressure and it was 133/96 and I did some breathing and praying and relaxation and got it down to 121/83 which I think is alright? and took half a klonopin.

Does anyone else have these symptoms, pain down the left arm, dizzy headache, tired and weak? even when they are not in a full-blown panic? My husband is not well either his feet are very bad due to neropathy from his diabeties and I am sure that is not helping my nerves, and I am trying not to smoke due to the coughing spell last night, I do not smoke much, maybe 4 or 5 cigarettes a day, just to prevent withdrawal and calm myself, I am going cold turkey when this darned panic and axiety and depression go, quitting now my theapist said would intensify anxiety. If I can ask how do other members of this forum cope with the bodily symptoms of heart attack and stroke? how do you get through it? and not get scared, I am ready to call the paremedics but I know my husband will get mad, last time I called them they were not helpful or nice or compassionate so I will not call them. If anyone can tell me tips on how to cope with these heart and stroke symptoms please help me, I do not want to die in front of my son. I am sorry I sound so scared I am trying not too.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Very Scared

Thank you Sunny. I wish I could print out you're letter you just wrote me it was so helpful and compassionate. I would of wrote sooner but our computer acts up so much I cannot always get online our power went out and it caused problems.

I am so sorry about the loss of you're sister and brothers, that must of been so hard and I am so sorry. I lost my Mom of a brain tumor five years ago and my Dad just last year of congestive heart, they were only 55 and 67 when they died, not that old and it affected me deeply, my Mom was my best friend and of course I worry since I am only four years away from when my Mom died it will happen to me too and I will leave my son, I know when a lot of people around you die people like me worry it will happen to them, my main fears now are heart attack stroke tumor or cancer, even when not panicking the hypocrondrias and anxiety is constantly with me and its so effecting my life, actually its ruining my life, and I want to start to "live to live" not "living like I am dying" does that make sense? I am doing the homework and posting in the diary and I notice a slight little change, the panic's have lessened somewhat and I am so grateful, the bodily symptoms are terrible through, yesterday I thought I suffered a small stroke and today heart pains! it never ends! My son and husband went fishing today all day and I was by myself all day which I hate being, but I tried to get through it, I threw myself into my housework and tried to fill the hours being productive, I wore myself out, but I guess it was good to get the nervous energy out that way.

I am so hoping this program will help me regain my life, this has been going on close to a year and my birthday is at the end of the month and my only wish and prayer is NOT to go into another year like this, I so want my life back, to leave the house again, I am even scared to go to the doctor now, my primary is not much help anyway he does not understand, my therapist and nurse help as much as they can but I guess its up to me in the long run. Do you think I can get better Sunny? how long did it take you? It just seems so much to conquer, anxiety panic depression worry fear and the worst agorophobia and hypocrondria, I cannot tolerate antidepressants, thank goodness for the klonopin that helps take the edge off. Can a person get better when they think they are sick and dying all the time? I dont want to go through anymore tests. I am hoping this program can help me reclaim my life. You sound like a wonderful person Sunny, that really has been there and understands thank you so much for taking the time to help me I am very grateful to you and all who have so far helped me. Thank you.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Very Scared

Hi Sunny,

Thank you for writing me back. Yes I am doing the homework and reading the information hoping it will start to sink in. You have given me some wonderful advice and compassion and I thank you! Monday was a pretty good day, I actually was laughing during a phone conversation. Tuesday I was cooking dinner and I had a surprise attack, it came SO quick Sunny like a hurricane or something, I had to go in the other room till it passed, it surprised me because Monday was such a good day and I thought I was turning the corner, I tried not to dwell on it. Today I feel very physically sick, I went to bed last night with a stomach ache and woke up very nausated, I slept too much just to escape the nausea and pain I think, when I finally woke up I was light-headed dizzy and my eyesight was very very blurred, I did not have a panic but close, the bodily symptoms are scaring me, what I am having finding difficult right now is convincing myself "its only anxiety" "its only my nerves" but its hard, the bodily symptoms are so constant and severe, I am hoping as I progress through the program they go away somewhat, I feel sick and weak almost everyday my goal right now is just to feel somewhat human and healthy again.

My Doctor is not much help, last time I saw him in December, I waited two and a half hours for a ten minute appt, he looks at me like "I dont know what to do" and he said "dont panic be happy" not much help but I know wome MD's just do not get it, my nurse can be cold and my therapist is not being helpful, there is an anxiety and depression clinic nearby but my insurance does not cover it, its like two hundred and fifty dollars an hour and the evalution is almost $400.00!? who could afford that? they are top-notch in CBT but our insurance does not cover it and its impossible to afford it out-of-pocket.

You and the others here have given me inspiration and hope that I will get better again. I thought cause I was fifty years old it was "too late" with peri-menopause its all the harder this time around, hopefully in the next few weeks I will start feeling healthier, I even have bad dreams about hospitals and brain tumors, did you ever have bad dreams Sunny about sickness and death and things? Its very scary. I am praying and hoping this program will help me as it helped others. Thank you.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Very Scared

Thank you Sunny, I needed that encouragement today. I was making dinner before and another "surprise" attack came, it seems like this is my bad time but I enjoy cooking dinner so I do not understand that. I was able to fight it off by distracting myself and breathing, it almost was as exhausting as having it, just fighting it off but some how I got through it thankfully.

Tommarow is my birthday and I am so hoping and praying that I do not have to live another year like this, my husband was angry I did not order a cake and I do not want to celebrate, I think its because my last birthday last year a few weeks later is when everything "went south" so to speak, I dont want a cake or cards or presents I just want to get better, that is my birthday prayer to heal and recover, my husband wants to take me to dinner but I am kind of afraid to go I have not been out of the house much at all, I am hoping tommorow is a good day so I can go out, I have been having bad cramps for a few days in my lower tummy, I am in peri-menopause and I feel that just exaberates the condition, I never know what to expect and the heavy bleeding scares me to death, I read a book about menopause and it scared the heck out of me! no help there.

Do you think Sunny this program can help severe hypocrondria? I know I have panic anxiety and depression but I think what feeds it more than anything else is the health anxiety, do you think this program can help very very bad health anxiety? I think if that went away the other things would too. I am sure other members probably had this problem too I would love to hear how they conquered their hypocrondria. When I turned 50 last year I guess I thought "oh God this is it" and I had health problems and it all just spiraled out of control. My Mom died at 55 and I guess part of my fear is that I will too! I know that is in the back of my mind, if I could just forget about my body and symptoms I know I would be better, easier said than done, the panic and depression started after the flu, the broncitis twice, the ovarian cyst bursting, then I think the leg blood clot was the thing that "pushed me off the cliff" I have to forget about those things and stop thinking "whats next"? I have this mind-set that I am fifty years old and I am too old to get better that health problems come a lot more as we age, which I know it true, I just do not want to spend anymore time worrying about it. Do you think CBT can help severe health anxiety? I have read its very hard to cure and I am hoping that is not true. I hate thinking about disease sickness and death all time.

Thank you for listening. I feel a little hope at least and I hope this program will help me, I dont want to think I am the one and only one that it will not help because of my age and severity of it. I have to get rid of the negative thoughts, I will do the relaxation exercises and pamper and try to think good living thoughts and not of death. I so want to live again and enjoy life.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Very Scared

Thank you Sunny for that Happy Birthday Post that was very pretty and thoughtful. I would of wrote back sooner but I had a meltdown of sorts. The night before my birthday I developed some kind of urinary tract infection, I was up ALL night going to the bathroom and only slept about 3 hours, it was horrible, I drank a lot of water and cranberry juice and thought it was cleared up. We went to dinner on my birthday but it was very shaky, I was exhausted and panicky about not sleeping and the constant urination and my husband was not happy about it and showed his displeasure, I cannot believe I got sick on my birthday, I have had panic attacks for the last couple days and pretty much took too my bed and I am so mad at myelf.

Right now I just want to run to ER Sunny my stomach is hurting so bad, its like cramping burning pain down below, I thought perhaps it was my period but no flow just bad bad cramps, and that scared me so bad I had a full blown panic today, I cannot even eat, and my husband is very disgusted and mad, I try to stay in the bedroom so he does not see me like this.

I should of gone to Urgent care today but last time I went there it was not a good experience, they misdiagnosed me and it got worse, I am so afraid right now Sunny about this stomachache, I fear its like this horrible infection or bladder or ovarian cancer! The pain is so bad and it radiates to my back, I cannot even tell the difference between the physical and emotional anymore, I hate to spend the night in ER, I hope it goes away and I can go to my Doctor tommorow, I dont have a temp and I guess that is good, I am listening to my relaxtion tapes and I even took a whole klonopin, yesterday and today were very bad and my son starts school tommorow so I will all alone, I hope its just pre-period cramps but of course I think its something life threatning and I am so dizzy and shaky its hard to even leave the house to go to the doctor, I am scared my husband has just about had it with me, he wants a healthy vibrant wife not some sickly housebound emotional cripple, people have said he will leave me, God I hope not, I just pray this stomachache goes away and does not kill me, did you ever get period cramps bad but no flow? I hope that is what it is, I am in peri-menopause and everything it different, maybe I will go to urgent care tommorow, my Doctor is always over booked and cannot see my for a few days and then I wait over 2 hours to get in the room with him! I just want this all to go away Sunny and it seems like its getting worse even through I am trying so hard and doing the program and praying. I am afraid to sleep because I may not wake up, isn't that awful? I just wish this stomach pain would go away and I know I would feel better, I am so afraid its something bad and it just wont let up.

I am sorry Sunny, I must sound like a nut! its just all the pain and panic for 3 days have exhausted me, I am afraid to go to the hospital and afraid not too, with school starting my son needs me, I just hope the UTI did not cause some massive stomach infection. I am hoping this too will pass, please forgive my hysteria, I am alone and so afraid, I just want to get better.

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