Hi, I´m Hannah
Wow, this is going to be a very, very long introduction. But...my name's Hannah. I guess I haven't technically been diagnosed with panic disorder, but I was diagnosed with depression about 4 years ago. I had my first panic attack around that time. It was absolutely terrifying. For the next week or so, I felt awful. Eventually I was able to get back to school, and it made me feel a LOT better, but I would get home and start feeling anxious again. I became an absolute hypochondriac. I would start feeling as if I were sick and as if I were dying. Usually I'd throw up and feel better again. The doctor put me on some kind of antidepressant. It didn't work too well, but eventually my symptoms cleared up. I was put on Effexor (which I can't really remember if that was before or after I stopped having panic attacks. I was going through quite an ordeal at that time.)
Anyways, with my Effexor, I've felt almost completely normal for about the past 2 years. Sometimes I'd forget to take a dose, and I'd start feeling anxious again. Also, I'd get to feeling really nervous when I was around certain groups of people. Other than that, though, I felt healthy and non-depressed.
About a week ago, I left my Effexor behind at my grandma's house. I figured I'd just get it refilled the next day since I was almost out anyways. But I didn't get it back for three more days. I felt alright the first two, and had my first panic attack in a long time that next day. I started taking it again. I normally feel fine after only missing it that much and starting again (and it's happened several times). This time, I could tell I felt kind of blah at school. The next day (Saturday), I had another panic attack.
Since then, I've felt like I'm in a living hell, and I have no idea why. I'm terrified all the time for no reason. I always feel kind of surreal, like I did a few years ago. This time around, it seems even worse. I can't eat anything. When I do try to eat because I know that the lack of food is making me sicker, thus making me worry more, I can hardly hold it down. The thing about my previous panic attacks...usually they would take place a certain time of day, and I knew I didn't need to worry until then. Now I feel like I'm having one giant panic attack all the time because I'll start shaking all of the sudden. Sometimes I think about suicide, which I know I would never actually do...I just want to sleep for a while and wake up feeling good again. It's just so strange because my life was about at its best when this came about. I understand that Effexor has some pretty nasty effects when dosages are missed, but like I said, I usually go right back to normal. At this point, it's just one giant circle--I feel sick, I get scared that I'm sick, I get scared that I'm going to die, I'm so scared that I WANT to die, over and over and over again. I'm going to the counselor on Thursday. Until then, I guess I'm just going to have to stick it out. I'm thinking I may need some time in a place that can specifically help me with these problems.
I know that if I survived it once, I can survive it again. But right now...every minute seems to be dragging, and I just want to be done with all of it so I can get back to living.