EvolutionHealth.care

Home
Members List
Member View
Posts created by Athene

Advanced Search Form

Members List
Moderation Team
Member View
Posts created by Athene

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Quote for the day

I had an extraordinary experience today. I was at an conference about autism because of my work. I had the opportunity to hear from 6 adults with autism about their experiences. One of them talked about how he is hypersensitive to all sensory input and how life can be not only overwhelming bu painful. He described how if someone was looking him in the eye, he could no hear or understand what people were saying. He said that he didn't feel emotion until he was in his thirties and he started singing and writing songs (he is very talented). He said now he is so emotional, he undersatnds why he blocked out his feelings for so long. Somehow he is in a place where he seems to understand his strengths (unbelieveably intelligent, artistic and highly focused) and forgive his weaknesses (obsessive, unable to communicate in casual social interactions and easily overwhelmed). 5 out of the six speakers talked about having been suicidal at points in their lives.

I was blown away by their courage. This was a group of individuals who hate crowds, social interaction, people, bright lights, noise, unpredictability etc, and they each had the courage to to stand up in front of 400 or 500 people and talk about their greates challenges and vulnerabilities.

It helped me understand that my need to turn down the volume of life is not unique. It helped me realize that even people who think they don't need friends benefit from friendships. It reminded me that no matter how big my own challenges seem sometimes, there are people who have successfully overcome even bigger obstacles. It also helped me to believe that even odd, quirky, eccentic, intoverted people can be likeable and form caring friendships that are good for both people involved.

I have always worried that I need so much that a friendship relationship would be unbalanced. When I am in a relationship, I tend to overcompensate by giving, being the supportive listener and the thoughtful friend, but I wont ever let anyone give those things to me. This is a new insight for me!!!! I always though that people just didn't like me. I think maybe I didn't let them in...

Today I found myself envying people diagnosed with autism and Aspbergers syndrome who had found a supportive community among like minded people.

Next Wednesday I will go to the Women for Sobriety group. I called this week to make sure I could just show up and didn't need a referral or something. I have always been happy without people or friends. I like to be alone. But now I think I just need to find some people like me that I won't have to hide from.

m - I don't know you, but I feel like I can understand how you feel. You are smart, but still struggling. It doesn't seem to matter how much you understand things cognitively, there is another level of understanding that is still out of reach. Let's not be afraid of the intensity of our feelings. Lets dare to find out what happens if we just give in and feel them - no matter how painful.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

How do I stay motivated?

For so much of the day I have the best intentions. My primary goal over the past two weeks has been to begin to establish a support system. I am posting here. I have found out when and where I can attend a Women for Sobriety group (AND I WILL ATTEND NEXT WEEK!) and I accepted an invitation to a social event with a group of my former co-workers, a group of women I really enjoy (even though I usually prefer to be by myself).

I had a couple of glasses of wine before I went out to give myself courage.... It was a "jewelry" party where someone was selling jewelry. I have never been to something like this before. It was really stupid (sorry, very judgemental, I know). I sat around with a group of people I have not seen much for the past three years and everyone pored over these catalogs of overpriced , mostly ugly, costume jewelry for the whole evening. I ended up spending $100 on christmas presents for people who would probably prefer to receive something else and when things finally started to wind down and I was ready to sit down, mellow out and catch up with old friends, everyone else was ready to go home. I had three or four glasses of wine there and another one when I got home. Social situations are really stressful for me. I can't make small talk. I like to talk about things I feel passionate about and it often turns other people off. I'm sure that if you asked anyone else who was there they would say that it had been nice to see me - but I find myself left with this horrible feeling of hopelessness and isolation.

I know that I need support from other people if I am even going to begin to address my drinking problem. But somehow when I am with other people, I feel much more lonely than when I am by myself.

I seem to go from feeling somewhat hopeful to completely hopeful, dozens of times every day. How can I stay hopeful? How can I make a commitment to myself and stick with it?

Where do I begin? I would really like to hear from people who have been drinking daily for years. What does it feel like to stop? How can I possible carry on my day to day activities and mobilize enough energy and determination to tackle this problem. I have wasted so much of my life and I know it. It appalls me that I am not able to make more positive choices. I was raised to believe that I could be anything I wanted to be, that I should aspire to great things. Now after three weeks of thinking about it very hard, my greatest hope is that maybe I could find someone who would like to play scrabble with me occasionally to distract me from drinking. What a waste.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

OK It?s now or never

Ever since I have started seeking support for my alchohol addiction I have been spiralling downwards. I have doubled the amount I drink every day and I am having a very hard time coping at work and at home.

I will not let my kids see me fall apart. I do not need to hit bottom to understand how serious this is.

Tomorrow, I will go to my first Women for Sobriety meeting. I have told my family I need to work late. I have hired a babysitter. I have phoned to confirm the time and to make sure that I can just show up.

7:00 tomorrow - I will be there.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

OK It?s now or never

So I didn't go. I went and sat in the parking lot for 45 minutes trying to get the courage to walk through the door. I couldn't do it. I thought about stopping to buy a bottle of wine - but I didn't. I went home and my family was so happy to see me that it felt good to be there. I had two glasses of wine (that's what was in the fridge) and for some reason I felt calm. I had a very vivid dream where I did walk into the building and this gentle young man, took me by the hand and walked me upstairs to the group. There was no one there that I knew - which was good. I didn't feel any connection to anyone there either though.

I am very confused right now. I had an awful day yesterday where I couldn't get out of my head. Every interaction I had was filtered through these rambling thoughts - what if they knew?...maybe they do know... how can anyone be so confident and accomplished?...it's too late for me ...I will never be satisfied with who I am.

Yet somehow when I got home I felt calm. Or maybe I felt numb. I'm really not sure.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

OK It?s now or never

thank you everyone for your support. It means so much to me to know that there is somewhere I can be open about this without feeling quite so ashamed.

Knowing that there are people out there who understand also helped me to feel like my attempt to go to the meeting was not a total failure. My typical way of dealing with difficult challenges is to give up. I don't like my job - I find another one. I don't like my partner - I find another one. Facing this challenge is going to take courage and stamina. I can find courage in short bursts, but I don't think I will make it in the long run without others to support me. I have always thought I could be completely independent. You are helping me to understand that I don't have to be and that there are other chaices I can make.

Yesterday, I didn't stop at the liquor store. I had one small glass of wine (I found a bottle with a little left in the back of the fridge). The world didn't fall apart. I didn't explode in pain. I pretty much ignored my family - I got through the evening doing yoga, playing the piano and watching a really bad movie. This morning, I still have a headache, but I feel good.

Reading everyone elses posts can help me remember that this will be a long journey that I need to take one step at a time. I know that one of biggest risks is talking myself into believing that I can control this.

I am going to follow up on some of the suggestions that you have made. I will find out if it is possible to meet someone from Women for Sobriety before going to a meeting. I think I could have gone in if someone was with me.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Day five

Day one 2 glasses of wine

day two 1 glass of wine

day three 3 huge swigs straight from a carton of wine my Mother had downstairs (she lives with us)

day four NO ALCOHOL!!!

day five I pledge to go another day without a drink.

This is incredibly difficult and all consuming. At the same time I am floored by the realization that my drinking has had a huge negative impact on my family. This new clarity has opened my eyes to how much my children's moods and behavior are affected by my ability to respond in a mature and sober manner. Reading to my five year old, he kept checking to see if I was still awake. How many times have I passed out mid-sentence?

Yoga, keeping busy and playing the piano have been my main coping strategies. Whenever I have a craving, I drink water and I keep repeating a phrase I learned in a book recently - "banned from my hand" - in other words - don't even touch it.

I am also surprised to realize how many triggers I have. I was aware that coming home after work, the time of day, my children whining or being difficult and general stress are triggers. I hadn't realized how much I am affected by the sight of a wine glass, a picture of alcohol or someone mentioning alcohol. I had to go out of my way to go grocery shopping at a store that didn't sell wine or have a liquor store nearby.

I have been having crazy dreams where everything has changed - at work - at home. I have been sleeping but I am so tired. I need suggestionns of ways to stay motivated in these early days.

Today I will not drink.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Day five

Thanks for your encouragement. It means so much to know that there is someone out there who understands what this is like. I made it through yesterday without a drink! Piano and yoga got me through the worst of the evening. Fortunately my niece was over and she kept my 5 year old busy. My daughter was out at baseball.

If I am alone with them and they are fighting or crabby or upset - I think that will be when I am most likely to give into a craving right now. I am trying to keep it top of my mind that for the next little while, I need to do whatever I have to do to get through to the next day and I cannot afford to get sucked into their demands unless they really, genuinely need me.

Doing yoga for the past five days has given me a glimpse of how much better I could feel if I were fit and healthy. I have been so inactive lately. It is also a great way for me to try and still my racing thoughts.

I am just beginning to consider the possibility that I am one of those people who should never touch alcohol. I don't think I am good at moderation. As a teen I was anorexic and excercised my way down to 73 pounds. For the next 19 years, I was bulimic. I got on top of that problem with a good therapist, medication and determination to be healthy enough to get pregnant. I have replaced my eating disorder with out of control drinking (although I always drank a bit too much). Has anyone else out there struggled with eating disorders?

When I am experiencing a craving for a drink, I can get past it by drinking water or eating something. I have stocked the fridge with healthy snacks but I am afraid of replacing my drinking with out of control eating again.

My family will be my big motivator. I have a locket with a picture of my son and daughter on the day he was born. I have started wearing it every day. But I know I also have to do this for me. And for my relationship with my husband.

Day six (!) - I will not drink today.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

21 days.....

You are an inspiration to me. I am on day 6 of cutting back / not drinking. I am encouraged to hear that you are having success without AA. I too am checking in regularly with my family doctor and I have asked her to help me find an individual counsellor. I haven't yet told any frineds or family - but I think my mother and my husband must have noticed that my behavior has changed completely in the past few days. I am thinking of letting people know that I am not drinking because my doctor told me that alcohol is a factor in my borderline osteoperosis. I think that if I told a friend (none of whom are particularly close friends) they would be surprised too.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Blog of the Month- November

how do I find m's blog?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

day seven

Day 7 !?!!?? Today join me in my pledge to get through another day without alchohol.

Other than when I was pregnant, I have only ever done this once since I was in my 20s (I am 47 now). The encouragement of everyone here is really helping me get through each day.

Yesterday I realized that I am even triggered by deciding which exit to get off of the highway on my way home from work (one leads to the liquor store and the other directly to my son's daycare. My family doctor has been on vacation and I will be seeing her on Friday. I am looking forward to telling her that I can actually imagine that this might be possible without residential treatment. Telling her about my drinking was a crucial step for me. She responded in such a positive, non-judgemental and helpful way. She is the one who who told me about looking for supports. She listed each day of the week and told me that my homework was to find something or someone who could support me through each day of the week. It really helped me to think about support in a different way. I have been so afraid of burdening someone with the role of supporting me - I feel pretty needy right now - and I have been afraid of risking the important relationships that I do have (my husband, my mother) in case I am not successful. I have recently joined a book club with a group of women from my former place of work who I always got along very well with. They don't know about my problem, but they have become my Thursday support.

I have been thinking about Christmas time. How do people plan to cope with all the social activities that happen in December? My days this week have been so carefully structured to keep my away from anything to do with alchohol. I don't want to be a complete hermit - and there are some work functions that I really do need to attend (I am a manager). Although I don't have an active go-out-drinking social life, I work with women who regularly "joke" about going home and opening a bottle of wine whenever there is anything stressful going on.

today's top discussions:

This Month’s Leaders:

Most Supportive

Most Active

Most Loved