So I'm going to a hockey game tonight with some friends and my husband. However, when I look at this "hockey game" I don't see a "game", I see a threat. I have to be there with thousands of other people, and I'll be stuck in a row and ugh. I used to find these events fun, I used to LOVE hockey games but now it's just stressful. I wish I could just think of this as fun instead of a threat! I would love to be able to go to events like this again and actually have fun, see it as fun and enjoy myself instead of stressing.
Now that the Christmas Season is mostly over, I have nothing to do really and it's making me feel kind of nutty. During most of December I was busy doing baking and spending time with family like everyday, and on weekends I had my husband to keep me company. But now he's back at work I have nothing to do during the day while he's gone. I'm definitely not OK to go get a job yet, but I just need something to do so desperately. I can only clean and do laundry so many times...I know I should be working on this program, but I find that when I concentrate too hard on something it freaks me out. I feel disconnected from myself some how, it's bizarre. I don't concentrate very often because my mind is always spinning and I never focus on one thing in particular. I'm just so bored I want to cry! :( I have a hard time leaving the house by myself, I kind of hate doing anything by myself...I'm so dependent on people - especially my husband, and that in itself makes me feel worse. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Being calm and relaxing and concentrating just bothers me...it's foreign to me. Ugh....:(
Ever since I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks, I've noticed that I have a lot of regrets. For example...I was in University in 2006 studying to be a High School Teacher, then I started having panic attacks and it was just too much for me so I dropped out. Now I sit around and think, "If only I hadn't dropped out...I'd be almost done school". Or I think, "If only I wouldn't be such a procrastinator I could be better or mostly better by now". If I had only cared enough to do something about my anxiety and panic 4 years ago maybe I wouldn't be in such a deep rut right now. If only...if only...if only...anyone else have these thoughts about regrets too?
Hi everyone! Been quite a while since I've been here but I do get email notifications when people respond to threads that I'm subscribed too, and that prompted me to come back and respond.
It has been decided that my husband and I are not going to Churchill after all. He doesn't want to go because the hours he would have been expected to work did not appeal to him, so I'm secretly very excited that we aren't going *whew*. Right now I'm just focusing on getting ready to go back to work in May/June of this year. That in itself is a huge deal, just to go back to work in my city where I live (never mind in a town hundreds of kms away). I'm paralyzed by fear, I'm terrified of going back to work but if I don't go back...I just don't know how we'll manage. So that's just another stress that I don't need, but...we'll figure it out.
Glad you were able to go back to work after two months off, and now you're one of the top performers in your region. That's seriously awesome!
I have been off work since mid-September 2010, and I won't be going back to work until May or June of this year. I really want to get out and work and do something, I day dream about it a lot. However, when I really think about actually getting a job it's quite panic inducing. I just focus on the negative things about myself like weakness, fear, lack of desire to do things. I'm afraid of failure, the most. In October of 2010 I volunteered at a Veterinary Hospital to keep myself busy while I really focused on getting over my anxiety. Animals are the one thing that I truly love and they fully consume my time and energy when I'm with them, I get lost in their presence. However after the first two weeks of volunteering, the novelty and excitement had worn off and I was right back to experiencing terrible panic attacks. So I'm afraid that when I go back and get an actual job (not just volunteering) that I might experience the same thing; first few weeks will be great and exciting and then I'll be back to having panic attacks and losing the job...again.
I haven't been here in a little while, and I'll admit that I've been ignoring this great place because I was in denial. I tried so hard to deny that there was anything wrong with me, and that I didn't need help...and that I could just lay around on my couch all day and be comfortable and do nothing, and that could be my life. Reality has set in though and I need to go back to work by May or June of this year, or else my husband and I will really be facing financial difficulties.
My problem is that I've allowed myself to become a total shut in. I am so frustrated because I KNOW that I need to get out and do things like go for walks, meditate, practice deep breathing, and exercise but I just don't do it, I don't do any of it. I have more than enough time to do it! In the 7 or 8 hours I stay on the couch each day I could be doing so many things, and they pop into my head and my mental response is "meh". I just don't know what to do with myself anymore! I need to change and get better and I know it, I'm so sick of being like this, but how can I do that when my response to everything is "meh"? I am paralyzed by fear, I'm terrified of leaving the house alone. I'm so scared of driving that I have let my driver's license lapse by 2-3 months already. I am so scared of even going for a walk by myself (a quick walk, down the street and back) - if I can't do that, how am I supposed to be working by May or June?? I'm so lost, and fed up...I feel like I'm stuck because I have no hope.
It appears I worded that phrase "the novelty wore off" terribly wrong. What I was trying to convey was the initial excitement wore off, not the novelty. At first, the excitement of being around animals all the time who needed some serious love and care was enough to keep my panic completely at bay; I felt healed or normal because I was able to give them the love, care and attention that they so desperately needed. The need to help animals will always be in my heart, it's something I've felt since I was a little kid and still do to this day. When I was volunteering I did it for the animals, I tend not to think about "what's in it for me"; I personally think that might not be the best way to go about doing things. I was just thrilled to volunteer at the animal hospital because it was a chance for me to do something I love: take care of animals. And I wouldn't normally get a chance to do that because I never went to school for Animal Health Technology or Veterinary studies so I jumped at the chance to be a volunteer. I'd have to say it was very satisfying for me to do that volunteer job because I got to do something truly meaningful, as in it wasn't just benefiting me. The only reason I stopped volunteering was because the panic attacks got to be too much for me to handle. I don't think I explained myself very well earlier, hope this new post helps clarify what I meant :)
Hi hugs4u, I like your name and thanks for responding to me!
First thing I'd like to say is I like how you noticed my name, and thought that maybe Helen of Troy could come out in me. The reason I chose the name Spartan was because of a video game hero haha! I'm not sure if you're familiar with the Halo series but I'm a huge fan, and the main hero's name is Master Chief and he is a super race of humans called Spartans. His codename is Spartan 117. I've always wanted to be a hero, and I used to be quite the leader before this anxiety took over my life.
Anyway, sorry to hear that you've had such a hard time with people and negative experiences. I would type more right now but I'm having a really bad panic attack, and I just want to go lay down. So sorry! :(
And ~m, sometimes I have a hard time believing that I can do this but my husband and family give me hope.
I'm a regular on Panic Center and when I found out about Depression Center I was pretty excited. So I guess I should introduce myself here.
I'm a 23 year old female who has been suffering from severe anxiety and depression since October 2006. As of late, I've felt like my depression has been far worse than my anxiety, and it's frustrating beyond anything. I have absolutely terrible mood swings, I get angry so easily and the worst part of it all is that I take it out on my husband...and we've not even been married for three months yet. I'm paranoid, scared of everything, I will leave dishes for days because I refuse to clean, I hate cooking I don't even like to cook for my husband...and I should be taking care of him, and loving him. All I want to do is sleep...and sleep and sleep. And I can't concentrate! It took me probably 40 minutes to type this little blurb, and I assure you I am not a slow typer...I just can't concentrate.
The worst part of all this? I never used to be like this, and I don't see an end to it either. I used to take medication for depression and anxiety, but the side effects were far worse than dealing with the depression and anxiety without the meds. I just don't know what else to do, I am so SICK of being miserable and paranoid :(
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