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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Panic just started

Hi all, I've just discovered this site and forum, and have spent the last couple of days perusing some of the threads. I am relatively new to the whole panic/anxiety thing (I have not yet seen a dr. or been diagnosed), but I've only just realized that my feelings are not going to go away by themselves. I am sure this is going to get very long, but I would like to tell my story.

My first serious panic attack ever happened just over two months ago, and although I felt tinges of anxiety since then I'd only had one other serious one... until three nights ago. Like with the first one, I thought I was about to die, felt like I could imagine what the moment of death really felt like, nauseous and dizzy and feeling like my life was entirely illusion. My husband of over 8 years, who is no stranger to panic attacks (he has long since learned how to deal with them on his own, from adolescence, and can now cope brilliantly), was and is instrumental in making me feel sane and grounded. Since my big freakout a few nights ago, I have spent the last few days in a dissociated state. I have occasions here and there where I feel "clear" and normal for some minutes at a time, and last night I even felt ok for a couple of hours. But the blurry feeling is nearly constant and I feel nauseous and starving at the same time. I am unable to eat more than a couple of bites of anything (it took me three hours to finish a slice of toast yesterday morning), and I'm sure my lack of nutrition isn't helping any.

I do think I understand the source of my problem. The first attack a couple of months ago was preceded by a visit to my mother in the hospital. She was diagnosed with late-stage ovarian cancer about two and a half years ago, and all of a sudden the reality of death (not just hers, but my own) seemed to wash over me. I must make clear that I am not a religious or spiritual person, and I have a hard time coping with the thought that my consciousness, my being, will end. Although this strong panic reaction is relatively new to me, I remember as a child (age 5 or 6?) feeling worried about death and of course my parents helped to reassure me that death was a natural process that happened to everybody and that it was nothing to be afraid of and that I wouldn't feel anything. But then as I wondered at the concept of nothingness, my mother suggested that it was probably a lot like before I was born (i.e., I didn't feel anything then either, as I didn't exist yet). An interesting notion, as I reflect on it now, but it does not help control the fear.

So fear of death, my own mortality, is my biggest problem. I question whether my life is even real, and if it is I worry about our collective insignificance as life forms in this immense universe. I feel calm while writing this, but lately I find it difficult to read about or watch tv about anything relating to human evolution or the environmental fate of our planet or such things. For a little while I was able to watch only game shows, as they were trivial and didn't hint at any "grand" ideas, but then the triviality of it started to scare me. That is, how can somebody care so much about winning a vacation or picking the perfect outfit to wear on tv when it all really doesn't matter in the long run, and does anything really matter?

This weekend has gone all right with my husband home from work to help me take care of basic household stuff and look after our two sons (ages 4 and 2). But when I consider potentially driving my older son to preschool tomorrow (Monday) I have no confidence that I will be able to do it. We went out for dinner last night as I was unable to cook, and I had a couple of mild attacks in the car and at the restaurant. I have never been claustrophobic but that is what it felt like. I am terrified of both being alone and darkness right now. I have had to make my husband sleep out on the couch with me with the lights and tv on, although last night I was able to sleep in bed with a small night light. I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow when I will have the kids and the house to myself all day. I've considered something like Bach's Rescue Remedy or some similar herbal things just to take the edge off until I can learn some real coping techniques. Anyone had success with such things?

I have not yet started the 12-week program on this site, as I keep thinking that I should just go see a doctor, but as it is Sunday there is nothing I can do about that until tomorrow anyway. I absolutely do not want to go on drug therapy, although I am desperate for an immediate fix (as I'm sure everyone is). I've tried deep breathing, changing my visual focus, going outside for fresh air, and although these things can help me ride out a panic attack, they do not prevent one. Counting helped briefly, up to 100 and back down, until I started to contemplate numerical infinity, and then I started to panic again. Also, I cannot shake the dissociative state. I feel that if I could stop that feeling of distance from my own life, then the panic would not happen. I wake up in the mornings now and feel blurry/cloudy and wonder how can I feel that way already and my day hasn't even started yet? Has anyone else been able to break out of the dissociated state somehow and has it helped to avoid having a PA altogether? Last night cuddling in bed with my boys and doing storytime before their bedtime really helped me feel good; that's where I was feeling well for a couple of hours. But I need to be able to recreate that feeling on my own, anytime, while running errands or just being at home without another adult around.

Do you all feel that this program would be a good fit for me, or would you recommend some kind of medical intervention? I've been reading a lot about CBT, but wonder if I should also have a physical and get some blood tests or something done just to rule out any physiological reasons for this happening. I don't have a regular doctor aside from my ob/gyn, so I'm at a loss as to what kind of doctor I should even try looking for to begin with. I don't want someone telling me it's just stress over my mom's illness and that I'll get over it and send me on my way. I also don't want someone training to become desensitized to the feeling. I want the feeling to stop.

Ok I guess that's it for now, I'm sorry this was so long but you all seem like such kind people from what I've been reading here that I'm sure you'll understand.

Thanks,
Marisa

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Panic just started

Thank you Faryal for your kind words. I have actually been thinking about finding a naturopathic dr. for some time now. Haven't had a chance though, as we thought we were moving but then the sale of our house fell through. But now that I know we're staying in the neighborhood I should really start looking.

I actually had a pretty good few hours just now. Had to go buy groceries so my husband and boys could eat something, and some bland things my own stomach might be able to handle, and picked up some Rescue Remedy while out. I saw lots of different calming teas I thought I might try but I could not decide which one might be more effective than another (for instance to help keep my mind calm in the evenings). No panic at the store though, and we were out of the house for some time. It seems that I can function all right as long as I keep my mind focused on "busy work," not too much actual decision-making, and as long as I don't drift off thinking about anything too existential/philosophical. The harder parts of the day are trying to relax while the kids are napping, and then in the evenings after they're in bed. The downtime makes it too easy for my mind to wander into scary places.

I will start reading and working through the program and see how it goes. Thanks again for your support.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

life, the universe, and everything

So I'm finding that one of my triggers (among a couple of other things) is rather existential in nature. As soon as I start thinking about our purpose here on earth (if we have one) and what might happen to our consciousness after we pass, I start getting panicky. I have always said that I am not a religious person, but one of the mods suggested that I was actually more spiritual than I might think, given the nature of my worry. I have never been good with not knowing things, even on a small level (like whether a job offer will come through, that sort of thing), but I find that ever since my anxiety started it is the "big" universal concepts that trouble me. For those of you who have gone on a real spiritual journey yourselves, and in particular I mean those who were not raised at all religiously, have you found any peace of mind? Does your understanding (or lack thereof, like me) of life and death trouble any of the rest of you?

I am still early in the program and as such just being aware of my anxiety and learning what my triggers are seem to help a bit, but I have this intense desire to research connections between chaos theory (patterns out of chaos) and such vs. theories of the afterlife and the human perception of reality... yet realistically I know all these scientists have not been able to figure out a unifying answer yet so what chance do I have? Does my poor brain require enlightenment in order to truly be calm? Or must I simply accept that being alive is like switching a light on and off?
- Marisa

These are thoughts that I have a hard time challenging with logical questions, as the concepts themselves are not at all concrete.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

life, the universe, and everything

Hi all, thanks again--you have given me some good points to think about.

I have been doing pretty well the past few days; although I've felt twinges of anxiety if I allow myself to consider my existential questions, I've been successful in just acknowledging that Yes, I feel worried, but No, the worry doesn't need to control me. For those of you ladies who have children, you won't be surprised when I say I've discovered that dealing with my panic is a lot like dealing with labor pains. Both come in waves, and the fear (of pain in labor, or in this case of panicking) makes it feel worse. What did I do when I was in labor? Focus on something outside my body, something comforting and "real." Know that it will only last a few minutes, even though these minutes may be intense, and once they pass I will feel normal again. The feeling is transitory, as is everything in our lives. Acknowledge the feeling, allow it to touch you, but don't dwell on it. I find that I am starting to relax more quickly now. I just remind myself, the fate of my consciousness is nothing I can change, and that it is a waste of my valuable time to allow it to affect me so deeply.

By the by, I was not implying that chaos theory has anything directly to do with life/death. I enjoy physics as well; I only meant that our natural world has a way of manifesting predictable patterns within something that otherwise seems like chaos (to us). And we, of course, are part of that world. Whether or not we can understand a purpose or reason for anything, there is some underlying "equation" that just needs to be teased out of the seeming disorder. There may not be purpose, per se, in the sense that there is intent in the universe, just that all things seem to follow a particular pattern.

So my thoughts on the matter currently are, whatever may be, we cannot change it. Accept, and then let it go.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Panic just started

I must say, there is such wisdom here that I feel grateful to have found this community when I did. You all have a way of putting things into perspective, not the least of which is the knowledge that "it's not just me." In learning that the panic itself cannot harm me physically, I have been thinking a lot about the old adage "whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger." How can I turn this to my advantage? Aside from getting through the attacks themselves, what positive things can I find in these experiences?

Our lives may be finite, which only means that we should enjoy life to its fullest. I must be fully present for my children. I must find the joy in each day and cultivate joy for others. Enjoy the companionship I have with friends and family, experiencing the journey of our lives together. Experience the magic of small things the way my children do, and encourage them (and myself at the same time!) to live with a sense of wonder and gratitude. Pursue a feeling of contentment and fulfillment within myself. Recognize the things I can change and those I cannot; don't waste energy worrying about the latter.

A lot of the time, this all sounds like platitudinous psychobabble to me, yet when I feel the panic coming on these thoughts have helped it wash over me quickly. I think, if my brain is creating and perpetuating the anxiety (that is, these thoughts come from within me, rather than from some external source), I should somehow be able to harness it. I don't know that I can/should strive to control it, just not allow it to control me. I, like all humans, desire to be happy... yet I remember reading some time ago that theoretically speaking we can't truly experience the positive unless we have a little of the negative to balance it against. So some of us have anxiety, and yeah it really sucks. But perhaps without it we might not fully appreciate what's positive in our lives. I may never get back to the carefree, worry-free life I had (although I'm sure there are some that can do this), but I feel empowered knowing that I can truly value the happiness and contentment I experience.

Perhaps I should have posted this in Challenging Your Anxious Thoughts...

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

How to explain to kids?

Hi again, I have a few questions here that are kind of jumbled in my head so I hope this makes sense. I've worked my way through to week four of the program so far... had a couple of really good weeks in between and am going through another rough patch at the moment. Not sure if this is hormonally related but it's starting to seem like my monthly cycle has something to do with my anxiety levels these days. But that's a whole different topic!

Anyway when I'm at my low points, where I feel derealized and the anxiety level is higher (whether or not a PA ensues), I get really withdrawn and irritable and weepy, and am unable to eat (feel nauseous and completely lose my appetite). This feeling lasts for not quite a week--5 or 6 days?--before I start feeling "normal" again for a couple of weeks. That's how the cycle seems to work so far (I'm new at this). My problem with that now is how do I explain it to my kids? They are 4 and 2, and the first time around I just told them mama was feeling sick and that I needed extra rest, etc. And then my husband/their dad steps in a lot more during those days when I find it difficult to handle basic daily tasks. But if this is to keep happening regularly, even if I am able to manage it, they will start to realize that maybe I'm not ok. I don't want them to worry, and especially my 4-year-old who has a great sensitivity to other people's feelings seems to be worried in general a lot more himself (germs, fire, loud noises, etc.).

What can you tell little ones who don't even know what anxiety is and who should be able to trust in their parents absolutely? I get so snappy and irritable at them when I'm like this, and I tell them mama's just having a bad day and I'm not mad at them, etc. but I don't want them to start seeing me as being so angry and unhappy. Since I've been feeling like this, I've made a point in telling them how much I love them, no matter what, and giving them more hugs and kisses, but I feel like even all that is just masking my fear and that they'll see through it.

On a side note, since this started for me I've had trouble answering questions for my ever-inquisitive four year old, like when he asks about what the sun is made of and how things decompose. I have been having trouble thinking about concepts that involve the life cycle of creatures and how immense the universe is without a huge surge in anxiety, so perhaps in a way answering his questions is like exposure practice for me?

Anyway, those of you who have little ones at home, I sure could use some pointers on being sure I can make my kids feel safe and how to explain it to them when I'm crying for seemingly no reason or sitting on the couch breathing deeply while they watch tv for waaaay too long. I do plan, of course, on continuing with the program, but I understand that while I may be able to manage my anxiety better as I encounter more of it, it may not necessarily ever just go away. I don't want my struggle to turn out to be their struggle.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

How to explain to kids?

Hi Faryal, thanks for your reply. I don't take any meds at the moment, and so far would like to avoid doing so. I do have a Stress-B Complex I try to take regularly, although I have been known to skip vitamins for a day or three--I just forget sometimes. It's a bit harder when my stomach isn't agreeing with me and I have no interest in regular food, let alone pills! But I do try to remember more often than not.

Thanks,

Marisa

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Sugar Substitutes

In our family we try to avoid white sugar as much as possible, and do use honey and molasses. We also use another natural sweetener you haven't mentioned: agave nectar. It comes from the same plant as tequila (yes!), yet obvoiusly without the alcohol. It has slightly more calories than some other sweeteners, tablespoon for tablespoon, but it is slightly sweeter than some, so you can use less of it. From what I've read, it doesn't cause your blood sugar to spike the way other sweeteners do. It has a neutral flavor and I like using it in herbal teas.

- Marisa

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

How to explain to kids?

Oh my gosh, that's brilliant! Now that you've said it, it seems so simple, but I couldn't come up with it on my own. My son loves computers and we often look up things together, science facts and how things are made, and this would just be another thing to learn about. It would be a great way for him to discover how his own mind works as well as mine. He may discover why he's scared of certain things, rather than just my trying to reassure him not to be, as well as other emotions kids sometimes have trouble handling. Call it Intro to Psychology for Preschoolers.

Thanks!

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