MEDICATION

Hi Sonshine, i am also from Canada and also have an Rx for Effexor, but I haven't filled it because I am terrified of all meds, and have never taken anything more potent than a Tylenol 3. Obviously I can't tell you whether you should take the pills since I don't know your situation but i do think everyone needs to go with what they are comfortable with. Have you tried the CBT program on this site or thru a local provider? If not, you may want to consider that first or in addition to the medication. Good luck! This site will help lots too! Caitlin

Responsible for all the SAD things

Hi Beetlegirl! I just saw this post as I was perusing thru the old ones looking for some posts that seem to have been removed, and I saw the title "responsible for all the sad things" and since that's always how I feel I clicked on it and lo and behold you wrote it with me in mind! I also have never met or heard of anyone with this issue, but I'm so glad you posted this so we know at least there's the two of us! I am EXACTLY the same way about guilt as well, when I start to feel overwhelmed by the feelings of responsiblility or obligation for every suffering being in the world, I too try to move on or let go, and then feel terribly guilty for doing so. I try to spend a good portion of my time in volunteer and community service, and we donate a decent amount of money to charity, but it's never enough. If I'm at the waterpark with my little toddler, and I find myself smiling and feeling happy about how much fun he's having and how adorable he is and how lucky we are, the very next thoughts involve images of starving children and poverty and disease. I wish that doing volunteer work to help alleviate some small portion of the sadness in the world would help rid me of this overwhelming sense of responsibility, but so far it has had no effect in that regard. I agree that it is connected to the anxiety and panic, and I also have not figured out exactly how. I think it may go way back to childhood for me - my mom was very socially responsible and drilled those ideas into me from a very young age - I think the problem may be with the "drilled" part - the constant lectures and diatribes with lots of details about the horrible terrible things in the world and how it was our job to fix them. It was well intentioned but I think it made me suffer a lot of guilt and a sense of responsibility that was far too great for me at a very young age. Before this anxiety disorder took over, I was doing the same thing with my step-son who is now 12. I felt it was my job to educate him about how awful things are for so many people around the world, and to make sure he grew up to be someone who would care about these problems and work to fix them. Now I recognize this is unfair and unhealthy for children - so I have tried to stop the lectures and the guilt - instead we involv

feeling hopeless

Hey Alison! I replied to your post about the cottage/lake (on the original post called "CAITLIN", but they changed the title to something like "how are you?" and now I can't find it at all, not sure if you ever saw my reply about the lake, and about how I get along with my step-son... I know exactly what you mean about feeling hopeless in terms of coming to the realization that, when there isn't an internal physical symptom, we find external ones to fret about. I don't know what causes us to do this - maybe for some it is drama. I think for many it's something that gets mistaken for "drama" - it's the need to be in crisis mode. This is less about being dramatic or having people focus on you the way "drama" implies, and more about how we cope with life and how we know to survive and get through things. The problem of course is that living in crisis mode takes it's toll -for us it seems to have taken it's toll in the form of contant and unmanageable anxiety. I've been doing research on the impact of a parent's mental illness on their children as they grow up, and one of the main effects that I found fascinating and that really hit home for me, was that children who have to cope with their parent's mental or emotional issues grow up living in crisis mode as a matter of survival. My mother has a mental illness, whether it's paranoia caused by the pessimistic and isolated life she has led for over 20 years, or whether it's actual chemical imbalance like schizophrenia, I don't know. The doctor's don't really know either, but she refuses to see them anymore anyways. Growing up as an only child of a single mother (my parents split when I was 7 - my mom went downhill after that) is intense enough, but when your mom has issues like mine does, life is WAY TOO intense most of the time. When I was in my late teens, I came to fully recognize the extent of her problems and I totally took over the parenting role - my mother wanted and continues to want it this way, she as the dependent, me as the provider. She had been unable to financially support us for many years, and once I was old enough, I took this on, as well as being her only emotional support (she literally hasn't had a friend or other relationship besides me for almost 20 years). Even when I was a child, I

Depression with anxiety

Hi Nancy77. I had my first bout with mild/moderate depression a few weeks ago. It lasted for about 3 and a half weeks, and it was the worst time of my life because I felt utterly hopeless and not in control of my feelings. I was terrified I would never come out of it, but I did - thanks to my amazing husband who comforted me but didn't coddle me - he made sure I got out and about, kept me active and entertained, and protected me from any excess stress. I think those things are key, even if you don't have a significant other to do it for you - just make sure you think positive as much as possible, make a list of things to do that will make you feel you are tackling your problems (Alison has a great post recently that lists some things to take action on) and keep your stress to an absolute minimum, and keep your regular routine - get out, socialize, be active, no matter how hard it seems or how little you feel like it. It really can help keep you on track and eventually the clouds will lift. Let us know how you're doing! Caitlin

How are you?

This has been a fantastic summer - minus all the major storms which I used to love but which now cause me anxiety (interesting that you mentioned tornadoes in one of your earlier posts - I have a lifelong fascination with tornadoes and have had a recurring dream since childhood about a tornado). My kids and I live outdoors in the summer, and this year we planted a small vegetable garden in our backyard. Anyhow, my neck still causes me a fair bit of pain but I saw my doctor again about it and he assured me it was muscular. He also said that deep tissue massage can do more harm than good in some cases (in terms of causing pain) so stick to relaxation massage. I still have anxiety about my neck, and the whole left side of my upper body, but I am trying to let it go and move on!! I haven't signed up/downloaded the cbt buddies yet but I will try to get that done this weekend. We definitely should chat!! I had a lot of problems with the new site - my registration was lost and I had to re-register, and the first time I tried the cbt buddies download it didn't work, but I'll try again. I'll let you know as soon as I get it working!! I would also love that list of books you referred to once - I saw a post of yours that had some health related books but I think you also mentioned some anxiety related books too? I just received Hope and Help for your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes in cassette form, so I can listen to it in the car while I'm driving (which is where many of my panic attacks happen). Are you going out to the lake anytime soon? I didn't know about that driving prohibition at Victoria, but that wouldn't be a big deal for us. We've been keeping our eyes on the market, but there are very few cottages up for sale right now. We'll have to wait and see. Have you been on the ADAM (Anxiety Disorders Association of Manitoba) yet? I found it very helpful. Talk to you soon, take care. Caitlin

deep tissue massage???

Hi Alison, sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I've only had time to read the posts but not to respond, things have been so hectic lately. My mom has gotten much worse, she is fully delusional now (imagining conversations that never happened with people who don't exist) and refusing treatment and demanding money and time and help from me, but won't actually let me do anything that really helps, she just wants me to fix everything for her and I can't, I can't make her well. It is extremely stressful for me, and obviously causes my anxiety levels to skyrocket. But, I am coping ok. I haven't had a panic attack for about 3 weeks now, I have come close but have been able to talk myself out of them. I've also been doing my exposures and miraculously have managed to talk myself out of every illness before I start obsessing about them. I still have a few things I want to see the doctor about just to ease my mind, including some moles, which reminds me - what ever happened with that mole you had and the possible biopsy? Is everything ok? I've been reading your posts and see that you are in a difficult period right now - it will pass though - just try not to be too hard on yourself and focus on the positive (so easy to say!!). I really wanted to respond to a few of your issues but just couldn't get the chunk of time necessary to do so. I really REALLY related to your post about guilt and your mother. I know it's too late now, but to answer your question in that post: I would feel guilty - but I would know full well that I shouldn't. THat's always my predicament - I know it's not right or fair that my mother makes me feel bad - but I feel bad nonetheless. Still, I think taking your own vacation and not caving into her guilt trip is definitely the right choice. I just SOOOOO wish that I could have a mom who was a MOM - someone I could confide in and lean on and rely on for support, someone who actually wanted what was best for me, not what was best for me as long as it was good for her too. I read a novel recently where the main character said "the weight of my mother's life is too great for me to bear". That is where I am at right now. But, I'm hoping things will get better soon and that I will be able to find help for her. I start my CBT program with AD

inderal

Hi Paul, being the queen of symptom/medication googling, I checked what Inderal is as I had never heard of it. It is not an anxiety medication, it is a heart medication. You should speak with your doctor to clarify whether or not you actually have heart related issues, or whether your symptoms are anxiety related. You want to be sure your doctor has all the info she or he needs to make the right diagnosis. Let us know how it goes! Caitlin

Scared Myself

Hi Debbie - I am a former smoker and I grew up with a mom who smoked, so I used to get really bad bronchitis A LOT!! All the symptoms you are explaining are definitely normal for bronchitis. Also, quitting smoking will likely make you sicker (more vulnerable to sickness by weakening your immune system) for the first year or two - yup, you heard me - quitting will make you sick for a few years. I am not telling you this so you'll start smoking again - quite the opposite - we all know that getting more colds or bronchitis for a few years is WAAAAAY better than getting lung cancer or emphysema down the road. But, it might ease your mind with these illnesses you are getting to know that your body may be sick because it is in withdrawal from a powerful addiction. Withdrawal from anything - street drugs, pharmaceutical drugs, alcohol, smoking - it's all the same. You should seriously reconsider the cold turkey thing though - especially if you find the cravings are too much and you start smoking again. I used a patch, and it worked like an absolute charm. You just need - and I MEAN NEED - to relax and reassure yourself that these illnesses will pass and you will come out of this a new and healthier woman! You sound like the fear is really taking over - and I know what it's like to be there. But it's time to stop - stop dwelling on all these symptoms and illnesses and take CONTROL. This extreme anxiety is hurting you - it's time to let it go. Make a list of the 3 worst health fears you have - lung cancer might be number 1 for example, and take it to your doctor and explain that you are suffering from extreme health anxiety but you want to get control over it. To do that, you need a clean slate - so ask him or her to run a few tests to rule out your top 3 fears, and then make a promise to yourself that if those tests come back negative, YOU WILL LET GO OF THE FEAR AND MOVE ON, strengthened by the knowledge that you are OK!! Also, I really think you should investigate some counselling in your area, we all need help with this overwhelming fear we have of illness and death - remember that every minute you spend in fear of dying is a minute you have lost for living!! I still have relapses where I become fixated on symptoms and fear, but we all need to do what w

Help please... major decision

I've been doing pretty well these past few months, no major panic attacks, and I've been doing my exposure work and I start a local CBT program this month. But, I've had 3 near-attacks in the past week or so, and the health anxiety is seeping back in to daily life again. I'm coping fairly well, but I really don't want to relapse. Right now I am on the verge of a terrible decision - whether or not to have my mother committed. She is schizophrenic and refuses to take medications (they do cause her terrible side effects) but she is just unbearable when she is unmedicated. I have been dealing with her and her illness since I was a child, and there is no one else in my family to help - just her and me - single mother and only child. Dealing with her illness, her delusions, her screaming at me about what a terrible person I am and how cruel I am to her... I am certain that dealing with all that has lead me here, to this anxiety disorder I now suddenly suffer from. I read the other day that research shows people with panic disorder tend to have been raised by parents who were overprotective, under-affectionate, and overly controlling. That's my mother to a T. But I was born with my own distinct will and my own determination, so while we have been close in terms of her being my only family, we have fought intensely since I was in my early teens, when I first began to notice how unreasonable she was. At the time, I didn't realize her controlling behaviour was part of her illness, but in hindsight I do. But the guilt is unbearable - if I avoid seeing her, I feel suffocated by guilt. If I do see her and try to socialize with her to help her get healthy again, I end up in tears sobbing like a child because I can't bear to listen to her delusions or her ranting at me about all the ways I let her down. It's a no win situation, and because she has been off meds for years now, her condition is worsening by the day. I can't even really let her be around my kids, which angers her tremendously. And because she won't see a doctor, she has been cut off of her disability cheques so we are now paying all of her rent, hydro, food, etc, on top of our own mortgage and all our own expenses. It is not only draining me emotionally but also financially - which also makes me feel gui

deep tissue massage???

Hey Alison! I hope you had a relaxing and rejuevenating stay at the lake! We spent yesterday at the beach, and then had a whopper of a storm here last night, shattered windows and signs around all the businesses in our neighbourhood (South St Vital), and uprooted a lot of very large trees. Of course, my little 2 year old who is the lightest sleeper on the planet and wakes up if we so much as flick a light switch within 4 meters of his door, slept thru the whole thing!! While I of course was up monitoring the situation for possible tornadoes! We have got to get the CBT Buddies thing going - have you gotten it to work yet? I have a terrible cold right now (either that or I've gotten Anthrax from my garden soil... I know, how ridiculous is that!! But it's been worrying me ever since I got the sniffles and have been hearing about the Anthrax outbreak here in Manitoba... of course it doesn't matter that the odds are like 1 in 20 gazillion, it still worries me!!). Anyhow, I'm so sick right now I will likely stay home from work tomorrow, so maybe we'll catch each other on line sometime during the day. Caitlin