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I really don't know if this is actually a place I belong, and I'm really rather tired of talking about myself. I've had a whole bunch of health issues for my entire life, everything from fatigue to trouble eating to systemic allergic reactions to beyond extreme pain. The funny thing is that I'm allergic to most of the treatments and pain medications do absolutely nothing. Its been a great inspiration for creative thinking, but there are times where I just pray for death. Especially on days like yesterday, where none of the usual things I do or take help and I feel like my bones are being crushed & my entire body is on fire for the whole day. Thankfully today is better and I've been able to work...I'm just exhausted & feel like just my face is on fire. It sounds weird & crazy, but such is life with rare chronic health issues. Just because its rare doesn't mean that its not real. I've left all the online support groups I was in since the member just repeated the gaslighting I've endured at the hands of doctors for decades...the very same gaslighting that delayed me getting accurate diagnosis and treatment and avoiding so much suffering that never should have happened to begin with.
None of this is the real problem. I have learned to trust absolutely no one. Even now that I have found doctors who truly understand the health issues I have, I do not want to communicate what I am going through. Part of that is because I have done my own research and know that I have already tried most of the treatments that are available. I have so much physical fatigue every day that I just do not have the energy to waste on doctors. Especially since my lung function is getting worse and I really struggle to talk. And quite honestly I would rather suffer in silence than waste precious energy on other people. I've also been able to solve a fairly major health issue (how to keep myself from collapsing from dehydration & having to go to the ER for IV fluids every 2 weeks) I was having on my own without doctors, so I feel like I really don't need them and talking to them is a total waste of time.
I also do not believe at all that emotional support is actually something real that is worth spending energy on. I've never felt truly supported by any humans, and have only had something like that from my animals. None of the therapists I saw during the misdiagnosis phase really understood me (btw trying to treat systemic allergic reactions & joints that slip in and out of place with therapy is in fact insane). I live with my dad and he's very helpful with stuff like getting food, helping take care of our puppy & helping with doctors & such...but if I ask for help with anything else he either flat out ignores me or says "I don't know". Which pretty much sums up my entire life. Most people I've known personally, professionally or medically either pretend I don't exist or say "I don't know" or "there's nothing else I can do for you". I used to fight through this and think "maybe I just need to find the right people", but I just do not feel well enough anymore. There's a lot of stuff I want to do that I don't have the energy to do, and I do spend quite a bit of time just wishing I was dead. I'm just so tired and in so much physical pain.
I don't have any friends and have no way of getting out and doing anything. I am so beyond allergic to all the disinfectants everywhere that its not even funny, and no mask filters out everything. Wearing a mask also worsens my breathing issues...holding my breath is easier than wearing a mask. So I've basically been a prisoner in my own home for most of the year. I've just been totally on my own for so long I feel like I'm best off on my own, since there's never been anyone I can truly rely on. I have work stuff I need to figure out, but the solutions I'm coming up with are all phone calls, videos or livestreams...I can barely manage to talk for 5 minutes before I get so lightheaded I can't concentrate & feel like I'm going to pass out. I have test results showing just how compromised my lungs are, and I can't do anything about it.
I'm in the middle of a bad flare up that only happened because the mail is completely unreliable and there was a really long delay in getting treatment components to me when I ran out. And I cannot get myself out of this damn flare. Resting isn't helping, so I'm now back to making myself work through the pain, fatigue & burning skin. I also have run out of certain feeds for my horses, again because the mail is totally unreliable. The already delayed packages were set to be delivered last friday but they sat there because the company couldn't be bothered to actually deliver my orders. Supposedly they're out for delivery today, but I am not holding my breath anymore. Oh and now I get to deal with how to get hay for my horses, since my normal supplier is out. The good news is I am totally absolutely numb and don't feel a damn thing in light of this news. Just irritation that several potential hay farms want people to call them and my lungs won't allow me to do that when I'm feeling well, much less when I'm in the flare up that's going on right now.
Even after writing all this down, this all just seems like totally normal, business as usual, the sky is blue, grass is green totally normal life and nothing at all to worry about. It is what it is and can't be helped.
Thanks Ashley. That helps.
I am just so frustrated. Its been a month and I am still beyond wiped out. I am fatigued beyond fatigue. Talking isn't something that my body is cooperative about. I can manage a sentance or two then I'm too out of breath & energy to continue. When I'm stressed/upset/worried/anything I just sit and stew in it since my body won't cooperate. I want to talk and share things & connect with people...unfortunately I had some testing done earlier this year that showed my lung function is 50% of normal human...plus I have asthma & am allergic to medications. The only medication I could use for asthma was discontinued. And it never helps that my ribs shift in & out of place...painful & limits my breathing.
The isolation & stress really gets to me, especially since I had so many plans for what I wanted to do this year. Stuff with my puppy, work stuff.
I am just so physically exhausted that being awake is draining. Sleep is never restorative. Totally normal for someone with the health issues I have. Being dead just seems so relaxing when being awake is so exhausting. I am so tired sometimes my brain doesn't work & I forget things I know how to do.
I'll get so excited about an idea I have for work and then reality hits...how am I going to make a video or live stream when my lungs won't cooperate. I push through a lot of fatigue & pain, but there are some things I can't push through. It really pisses me off. I'm been through so much & endure so much. Most days even being upright is a struggle. I hate it so much that this illness has taken talking from me.
I really enjoy singing & thought "hey muscles control your lungs...maybe singing will be good physical therapy and they'll get better". It didn't work out that way and just exhausted me.
My puppy was so cute yesterday that I laughed so much I almost passed out. Got lightheaded & my lungs seized up.
I just wish I had a doctor I could rely on for help. I don't want to have to do all my own research for myself, but what I've come up with on my own has helped the most. Had to do all my own research and work alone to save my pony's life. And I did it. I have a 30+ year old pony who acts like a horse half her age, and she's still alive. But my body won't cooperate with me to connect with others & further my education.
I guess I don't so much have an anxiety problem or a depression problem. I have a LOT of anger and don't know quite what to do with it. So I internalize it and ignore it, and maybe that is taking up too much energy. Maybe there needs to be a rage course?