Alcoholism is about 1 drink leading to multiple drinks. But then you think if you don't take the 1st drink, you won't get drunk. Wrong. The second piece of the disease is the mental obsession which will tell you that its going to be fine this time. That is the baffling nature of Alcoholism. Only a psychic can help a person who has reached that stage.
Going to meetings/group discussion may work for Hard-drunks but for a real-alcoholic, there is very little hope, unless he goes thru a rigorous transformation of the way he/she runs day to day life.
You say you where AA for 19 years, not sure if you read the book called Alcoholics Anonymous. There are pretty rigid steps to be taken and followed every day. Book talks about the progressive nature of the disease and if you are an alcoholic you will always be an alcoholic. The only hope is to have a psychic change by working the steps or some other form. Try to pick the Big book at your local center and get re-acquainted with this fatal disease and the solution.
If you admit that you are an alcoholic, don't you realize the only option is completely quit drinking and stay stopped? There is nothing you could do to make an alcoholic a normal drunk. You got to look for a solution to stay stopped.
If you are serious, find a fellowship that strictly follows the single-ness of purpose tradition and stick with it. There should be atleast a couple in every town.
I have been living a sober life without a conscious thought of booze last 2 1/4 years using the program of AA. Out of the gate i will tell you its just not about going to meeting and staying if booze 1 day at a time. you make a decision to quit and then work the 12 steps of AA. The 10th step promises are as follows:
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by
this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in
liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react
sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened
automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been
given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That
is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding
temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of
neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the
problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither
cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit
Caveat is, you are cured, so, we need to work the steps everyday.
sorry to bust your hopes of controlling your drinking. if you are a real-alcoholic, total abstinence is the only way out. real alcoholics have no choice on how many they would drink once they put 1 drink in the body. that phenomenon of craving is only a real one can understand. then there is no defense against that 1st drink. which is the obsession of the mind. if we manage to stay away using our mind, we are usually cranky. so, to get over the spiritual malady we need a psychic change. The 12 steps of AA offers that transformation. And one has to work the steps rest of your life. Just like taking medication for diabetics or other major ailment.
Alcoholics we imagine are homeless who live under a bridge or homeless shelter. Unfortunately thats not the fact, eventually we may get there if we don't die. Alcoholism is about losing control of drinking. There is something called physical craving that that happen until you pick the first drink, and then you end up drinking more than you originally planned.
Then there is the mental obsession that always forces you to take that 1st drink after a gap of few days or hours. And then if you don't, you are miserable: snapping at everybody you run into.
Once you reach this stage, you have no other option other than to abstain from drinking.
Alcoholism is a disease. After few days our mind will tell us 1 drink should be cool. And we take it. Then the craving kicks in and we end up drunk. When we are not drinking we obsess about it and are restless irritable and discontent.
We need to have a psychic change (a different outlook) like Dr. Silkworth talks about in the book called Alcoholics Anonymous.
if you are an alcoholic, the only solution is not drink. An alcoholic is one who has a obsession to drink all the time or at times tells himself/herself that this time its going to be fine and then end up taking that 1st drink. And then the craving kicks in, end up drunk. And between those bouts, they are restless irritable discontented.
Its nothing else. No dui, jail time, .............