HI @DoodlesInk

For the first time in my life I've thought about taking a leave from work as well. I've battled depression my whole life and had felt I was getting much better at recognizing the downward spiral and catching it before it became an overwhelming wave (tsaunami more like it). This time is different, I'm so exhausted I can't function and I feel like I sound like an idiot most days. I can't remember words when I'm speaking and half the time I don't remember what I'm doing.

For a month I figured it was just seasonal and would go away but it's getting worse. To top it off I was supposed to see my therapist this week and the appointment got moved. I find I have a hard time opening up to new therapists and have had the most success with my family docter, however, it's not easy getting appointments for counselling at any kind of urgency, hence why I joined here.

I'm starting to think I'm just not a happy person no matter what but I'm hoping to fix that somehow.

Let me introduce myself.

I have an amazingly supportive family and circle of friends. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son and we have a family dog. I've been back to work after mat leave for a year now so I'm starting to get back on track in terms of career and have even signed up for some volunteering. My husband and I are connecting better than ever, we're consistently seeing my mom one weekend night a week, I'm consistently seeing friends.

But here's the thing, it feels all wrong. In thoery I have everything I've ever wanted or thought would make me happy and I'm miserable. Maybe it's because I have more people counting on me than ever before, or because I can't just go to bed for a few days and ride these feelings out, or maybe what I think is amazing and perfect is really just a lie.

I love my husband like no one else but occassionally and often right now, I think about leaving him. I think about this for many reasons:

1. I carry the mental burden of all of our financial planning, all of our activities, everything our son needs
2. I've been successfully sober for ten years (with the occassional slip of a couple drinks with friends one night); he is a struggling alcoholic who has made me bend to accept how he is as much as he's bent to accept how I am
3. He was in a horrendous car crash which has left him physically compromised which means he can't do everything I want us to be able to do together
4. He mentally has some blockaids about doing things or getting better that frustrate me
5. Our arguments can last for days with never any resolution really - just compromise and often hurt feelings

And yet, neither of us want to live without each other and we do have some really great times together. He makes me feel safe, he comforts me during my off periods, he's a wonderful father, and he tries really hard.

Right now I'm trying to deal with the overburden of financial stress, we are over spending monthly and when I try to discuss this with him he tells me I'm attacking him or cutting him down.

I'm also dealing with taking on a number of things that I want to do but maybe don't really have the bandwidth for.