Might Be Too Little, Too Late...
I so appreciate what you are saying, Eyja. And Luna really is so lovely! I've re-read what Luna has written quite a few times, and Breather, you really got me on a few things. (Grin!) I like your refreshing frankness!
I will try to get a copy of the Alan Carr book, Eyja. I've read quite a few references to his work on this board. And you are so right - an addiction is just what it is. I actually don't have any problem saying or writing it. I have such a problem with the fact that it's such a damaging addiction, not just for me but for those around me. I've tried to limit the damage - I've been smoking outside for 12 years, but when I lost my little cat last year due to what was more than likely cancer, I wept for days and days, and still haven't finished. I framed photos of her - she's everywhere around here to remind me of what I lost. I'm convinced my smoking impacted her as well as my husband (who thankfully never smoked) and the other critters that had been in my life.
Thank you again for dropping in to offer your kindness Luna! I meant to say that I decided to treat myself a bit more kindly on this because of what you had written. It's an odd thing, but when I think back on some terrible times in my life and that I made it through okay, I can't seem to apply that to quitting smoking. That I really can do this, and that it certainly won't be even close to the most difficult thing I've ever done. That disgust and anger is so strong. I have hypothyroidism, and drinking just didn't agree with me so when I was 23 I stopped. Didn't even have to think about it. I decided it made me feel bad and although people don't question it if you drink, when you tell them you don't drink it's like waving a red flag in front of a whole bunch of bulls! I was really surprised at the reaction that it got and still gets. (A friend of mine who doesn't drink for the same reason as me told me that her co-workers thought she was a recovering alcoholic! I can't believe that people can't comprehend that maybe some people just don't like it. Sigh.)
But where drinking was not an issue, my oh my is this smoking thing a huge one. This addiction to the actual drug, and the nervous habit of lighting up. I initially wanted to do this cold turkey, but I'm thinking I may need to break that hand to mouth habit first. I did manage three days with the patch so I'm going out tomorrow to get some. Better to have it. I don't want to hear any excuses from me!!!
One thing is really unnerving me. The time I managed to stop for three days was about six years ago. There had been a terrible tragedy in my family in the late winter/early spring of that year, and it was late summer that I did the program and put the patch on. On the third night, I had some very disturbing communication from a family member about the tragedy, and then at 2 in the morning, one of my dogs suffered a terrible stroke. I won't describe what it was like, but I can say that it was unbelievably horrifying. We had to rush him to the emergency vet, and I had to coach the obviously new and very nervous young vet through euthanizing my dog. He was shaking badly. There was an all night liquor store on the way home. I stopped and bought a pack and killed my quit.
The reason I bring that up is because my two dogs are very old. One is having serious medical issues and I know that she and her buddy might not be around for long. I've been married for 26 years, no kids, loads of lovely nephews, nieces and a great nephew as well as friends that have their children. But I'm usually here working at home and spend a lot of time around the dogs. I am very close to them. I'm so stupidly afraid of going through a different version of that hideous night all over again, and losing one more good thing (my quit) on top of the loss of a good friend. I know realistically that there are no guarantees about those things beyond our control, but I realize the biggest problem is my anxiety and verge on panic feelings. I've been swamped with them all day. I did well last night with the cutting down - I smoked four less cigarettes than I thought I would, but when I tried to put off having that critical early morning first smoke I actually started shaking. (Here the anger at myself comes in.) It was a failure to me even though I am working towards what I want and on the whole not doing badly. At least I see where I'm at my weakest. Phew. Sorry about that. I feel like I'm all over the road with this!!!
Okay, I'm going wrap this up and go lay down and have a really long and hearty cry! Thanks for touching my heart so deeply with your kindness you guys.