Need to quit, but can?t
Hey everyone, just offering a small update and a few thoughts I've had recently. Also, thank you Eyja for the reference and the insight. I'll be sure to think about what you said and check out that book.
My smoking hasn't gone down at all, in fact yesterday it was really, really bad due to some stress I was having. But on the positive side, I've begun to think a little more seriously about the costs/benefits of quitting, and I'm beginning to think a little more positively about the prospect of actually accomplishing it.
I've just been thinking a lot about how much smoking has impacted my life, in small, subtle ways that I haven't even really noticed until lately. Just today I thought about what I was like when I was 17, before I started smoking. I was creatively and intellectually vibrant, I felt pretty good most of the time, and I could feel emotion strongly. Now, at the age of 26, and after 8 years of smoking, I'm tired and apathetic most of the time, and incredibly emotionally numb. Now, I've been through a lot over those years, including the normal aging process, but I can't help but feel that part of it is because of my smoking. I just think about all the thought and energy I put into making sure I can get my next "fix" -it almost seems like that vibrance and energy has been sucked up by this habit.
My girlfriend doesn't like that I smoke, so I never smoke around her. I wish I could be around her without the irritability and fatigue that comes with withdrawal. I want to be *me* when I'm with her and not have this habit tarnish our relationship.
I've been dabbling in meditation for the past few months. It's amazing how, when I have a really good meditation session, I can come to such peace and clarity of mind, even if only temporarily. I want to have that state of mind without the aid of substances that can kill me.
Now, keep in mind I haven't quit yet, but I am cutting down again after the excesses of yesterday. I have a fairly bad headache right now, to be honest. But it doesn't really bother me. Hopefully I'll be able to handle the *real* withdrawal headaches when the time comes.
Thanks for listening.