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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Missed a Step?

First of all, I would like to thank you for your very thoughtful post, Samantha. The things you said really resonated with me. And second, I have to report that I finally relapsed. I broke down and smoked a cigarette a few minutes ago. I had somehow managed to go almost six full days without having any strong cravings, but after writing my post, something inside of me just snapped and I found myself just ditching every rational thought and "just doing it." Even while I was smoking, I knew I shouldn't be. I can't even say that it was particularly enjoyable. I think I may feel ashamed, but I know that's not a useful feeling. Worse, I feel as if I have let everyone down; everyone here, my family, my co-workers, myself. Why did I do that? How could I sacrifice what was really such a good thing for me?

I think it really comes down to this post. The problem is, I don't have many interests. The highlight of my day is when I'm out hiking in the woods - even when the mosquitoes seem to be at their worst. When I'm at home, there's really not much for me to do except work on the computer or watch television. I don't have any friends who live near me, and the friends I do have all smoke, so they are not really people I can easily associate with right now. As far as writing, I'm on my 19th journal in close to a decade. In the last couple of years, I've found myself writing less and less, but while I was quitting, I wrote a lot. I have been writing three or four times a day. But that's it, I don't really have anything else to fill my time up with. I'm basically a workaholic. I'm a programmer and I can spend all day working on the computer, but this past week I have not accomplished anything in that regard; my mind just hasn't been in that space.

So I don't know what to do now. Well, I kind of do. I learned a lot these past six days. I was doing things that brought me a lot of pride, but I think perhaps I rushed into this unprepared. I'm going to go back through the "My Program" and next week I'm going to buy that Carr book that I've heard mentioned on here quite a few times. I don't want to give up. I really believe that quitting smoking is the best thing I can do for myself. It was so nice to be able to smell the flowers at the nature preserve and I was looking forward to hiking one of my favorite trails next week, and I was taking so much better care of myself than I normally would. It seems that smoking just stops me from doing all the things I always want to do. I'm really choosing not to see this as a failure though; it was a great first step in my book.

I know what everyone here would say. Quitting is a process, put them back down and try again, prepare yourself, post here and wait for five replies (for that, you'd be waiting half the day), don't give up. I don't know what else, but I don't think I really need to hear any of that. I think what it really comes down to is that I need to find things to fill up my days with, to make my life feel more meaningful. I don't know what those things would be; I am going to have to search for some new interests I guess. I took Chantix for a week on a whim; I never thought it would actually be all that useful. So once that first week was over and I stopped taking it, I was certainly grateful to be smoke-free, but I think a part of me also felt sort of rushed into this. I don't know. Wow, I must sound totally whacko right now, haha.

Bottom line, I need to take stock of this experience and figure out how to move forward. I would appreciate any helpful advice on that front. Everyone here is just so great; I want to be able to count myself among "the family of quitters who have actually succeeded and help those who are just getting started." Well, there's one thing I know for certain; I don't feel any better having done this to myself. That is something I told myself a lot this week, that it wouldn't make me feel any better, wouldn't make life better, etc.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Missed a Step?

Thank you, Carlos. You are such a nice guy. Hard not to beat myself up, but I think it is a good sign I still feel motivated to try again. At least I'm not just going to throw in the towel and say oh well and forget about it. Even though the last six days were hard, there were too many good things about them that I can't so easily forget. Sheesh, one cigarette and my lungs feel heavy. Two days after quitting, that was gone. Four days in, I could smell flowers. I had no idea they smelled so good, lol. Plus I smelled so good myself! I've always been self-conscious about that around non-smokers and it made me feel good to know I didn't smell like an ashtray! There are just too many good reasons to quit and they don't even take that long!! I will definitely get the book - maybe I can read the book and take Chantix for a week and then quit again.

Jim, I know hardly anything about you but I just have so much respect and admiration for you. Yes, I do like fire a lot, haha. But I'm not a pyro and it has nothing to do with smoking, lol. To me, fire is a spiritual element and I think of it in those terms - like meditating to a candle for example. And I love campfires!! I even love the smell of campfires. I'd love to make some dychroic glass art though - that would be really cool actually, never really thought about it before. Maybe I could make some kind of jewelry - bracelets and stuff, that would be fun. I haven't tried to quit in about five years, so yes this was my first attempt in a long time. I did not know the 6 P's! Thanks for sharing them with me. I wasn't prepared at all. I quit during a time when I'm pretty financially strapped, but that is something I can resolve without too much trouble. I think the most important thing you said is making sure I have my coping mechanisms ready at any moment - clearly, I failed there. What were your coping mechanisms? Just keeping yourself distracted? Do you feel like you had any long-term side effects from the Chantix? I know it can really help, but the side-effects do concern me. God only knows what they are doing to your brain and people have reported being suicidal while taking it. It's hard to ignore those things. By the way, I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. Both of my parents live across the street from me and I'm very close to my mom. They both smoke and my mom has a hereditary disease that has gotten to the point that she is sick a lot now. It scares me that I may lose her and I think my slipping has made her consider quitting with me. I could start taking the Chantix again on Sunday and quit again soon after that. I really don't want to give up; I just need to prepare!!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Missed a Step?

Awe, thanks Josie. That's sweet. :-)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Nine Reasons to Quit Smoking!!

Hi, everyone!

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching since my slip today. Admittedly, it's like I never quit - I just keep smoking. Terrible, I know. I hope that no one has to go through this like myself; it's just not worth it. I can't even begin to tell you just how much better I felt when I wasn't smoking, even if it had only been six days!

It's amazing the benefits I discovered in such a short period of time. My sense of smell is so much improved already that I can smell the smoke on me! Not good at all. So anyway, I wanted to share my "Nine Reasons for Quitting Smoking" and to also state that I have set my new quit date for 09/09/09. There's just something magical about that number!

That's 12 days from now, not counting today. I don't want to set it too far into the future and risk losing my confidence, but I felt this was a good day because it gives me time to properly prepare and to begin taking Chantix again so it can build up in my system. I actually stopped smoking on the 8th day like it says to, so I may wait 2-4 days before I start taking it.

My Nine Reasons for Wanting to Be Smoke-Free

I smell so much better! I don't have to be self-conscious around other people. I can go to public places, business meetings, and just be out-and-about without worrying about how I smell, because I know that I smell great compared to how I smell when I've been smoking!
I can breathe so much better! I honestly never realized that I had a difficult time breathing until I quit. But after only two days, I noticed I had a lot more stamina and it has allowed me to enjoy the outdoors just that much more. I can't ask for a better reward than that!
I can smell better! After only four days, the forest came alive with the smells of flowers. It had such an intoxicating effect on my senses. It prompted me to want to build a garden on my balcony with trees and flowers of all kinds with the money I save from not smoking.
I take better care of my health! When I'm not smoking, I take so much better care of my health and hygiene. I shower more often. I brush my teeth more often. I go hiking more often! I take pride in my appearance. Rather than poisoning myself, I feel like treating my body with great care.
I write more often! For too many years now, my journals have been collecting dust and I've already been writing in them once every month or so. This happens because I've become complacent about my life and that is never a good thing. I write so much more often when I'm not smoking.
I have more self-confidence! I can leave the house without needing a crutch to carry around with me. I even feel more comfortable around people, even strangers. I can't explain why, but the simple act of not smoking breathes new confidence into my step.
I save money! I save $200 a month by not smoking. If I smoke, then I go to Starbucks, and that alone costs me $100 a month; smoking also costs me $100 a month. If I don't smoke, I go hiking instead. There's so many positive things I could do with the money I save!
I feel ten years younger! I really do. Just one cigarette is all it takes to make me feel miserable, but if I'm not smoking, I feel so much better. Life itself feels better; easier, even childlike at times. I can be in the woods and feel like I've never been there before, with the same wonderment I felt in my youth.
I'm free! Most importantly, I am no longer living life in the passenger seat. I control the choices in my life. I'm no longer controlled by addiction. I choose to live a healthy life, a structured life, one that is free of the debilitating effects of smoking. I have the power to choose my own path in life!

My Milage:

My Quit Date: 9/9/2009
Smoke-Free Days: -11
Cigarettes Not Smoked: -242
Amount Saved: $-35.91
Life Gained:
Days: 0 Hrs: 0 Mins: 0 Seconds: -108871

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Missed a Step?

Thank you PB and Rock and everyone else. I've taken all of your advice to heart and I have set a new quit date for 09/09/09 and set my 9 reasons for wanting to be smoke-free (my benefits of quitting). It's just a start. I still have much to plan and do but I'm certain that I will be ready when the time comes. :-)

My Milage:

My Quit Date: 9/9/2009
Smoke-Free Days: -11
Cigarettes Not Smoked: -242
Amount Saved: $-35.91
Life Gained:
Days: 0 Hrs: 0 Mins: 0 Seconds: -108848

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Question

Thank you, Brenda. I really appreciate your thoughtful and very thorough response to my question. I've read many posts from you where you've researched things and you've clearly learned a lot from it. I had never heard of cotinine before. After reading Allen Carr's book, it was clear that every time you smoke a cigarette, you are restarting the chain reaction. He also suggests many times not to avoid other smokers, but that felt to me like a contradiction because it seemed to me that secondhand smoke could restart the chain reaction just as easily. Perhaps nicotine does so but cotinine does not? That would certainly make it easier for me to be in the presence of smokers and not feel like I'm giving the addict in me something to feed on.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Starting Over

Okay, well first of all, I'd just like to say that I really contemplated whether I would bring this up at all. I don't want to discourage others and I don't want anyone to feel like they are wasting their time responding to me.

After I read Allen Carr's book, I wanted to be like the "non-smoker" he describes - you put the cigarettes away and you just go on about your life without ever wanting to smoke again; you're free from the addiction and life is a joyous experience! Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's exactly the sentiment he describes in his book.

I found all of the reviews from others at Amazon encouraging, although part of me did indeed wonder just how many of them were genuine. (I noticed a lot of the reviewers were not confirmed users.) And I saw little clips of both Ashton Kutcher and Ellen DeGeneres talking about how they had quit after reading his book.

I wanted that to be me. I wanted to wake up the next day and feel joyous that I was free of the demon, that I would be able to go through life months and years down the road without ever again having the desire to smoke. I wanted to hit that magic red button and reset my life to when I had never smoked before!

It even made me think twice about visiting this site anymore because he talked about not using an aid or any crutches to get you through the beginning stages - don't eat more, don't take an NRT, don't do anything differently - just go on about your life because "quitting is easy" and you're now a non-smoker, and non-smokers wouldn't do any of those things! What Allen describes in his book is counter to the philosophy of this site, which is all about planning, coping, and using willpower to get through this, even if it takes years.

If I sound particularly harsh about this book now, I'm really not. It was certainly valuable - it dispelled many of the psychological reasons for smoking. And it has made me 100x more conscious about my smoking now. I caved again last night; I didn't even make it 24 hours. The saddest part is that I spent most of those hours sleeping, at least half of them. I made it through the day, but it was tougher than last week, and by nightfall I was smoking again. Ever since I decided to quit, it has been at the forefront of my mind. Last week, I went five days without smoking - and for the most part it really was easy, and I definitely enjoyed it. But I gave in and smoked. And I did it again last night. The good news is that I now know why, and I think the book certainly helped. I smoked for no other reason than I was bored.

I smoked knowing that was the reason why, and I did it knowing it wouldn't make me any less bored. Either I really don't want to smoke, or I simply lack the willpower or the "easiness" to do this. I've tried to quit so many times that it is so discouraging. I've taken the patch many times (smoked on it even, which I know is dangerous), I've tried cold turkey plenty of times, I've tried cutting back in very bizarre ways...yet here I am, 16 years later (half of my life) and I'm still smoking. I'm discouraged; the fact that I keep trying doesn't make me feel more confident. It makes me question my ability to really do this, but I cannot give up. I do not want to smoke for the rest of my life. I absolutely hate cigarettes.

And yet I still smoke. I hate doing it yet I still do it. I'm a junkie. Plain and simple. What a sad thing to have to admit to. So disgusting. So undignified. So completely and immeasurably sad. But it's the truth - I'm a stupid junkie! So regardless of what Allen Carr says, I can't do this the easy way. I have to do it the same way that everyone else here is - the arduous and difficult way - one day at a time, distracting myself in every imaginable way, doing whatever it takes not to cave, because one day, some day, some how, I will actually get to the other side!

This meant really examining the choices I've made since I decided I wanted to quit again. And the bottom line is that I can't do it alone. I started taking the Chantix again today and I'm going to take it every day, no matter how it makes me feel, no matter what state of mind it puts me in, and on September 9, I am going to give up cigarettes for good. I just want to throw up a white flag in defeat and say, "You win! I can't do this anymore. I'm out." I hate this. I hate this more than anything, being dependent on something so disgusting, and being dependent on something else just to get over another dependency. It's ridiculous. But it is what it is, and if it gets me out of this dark hole, then I certainly can't complain.

I didn't have an official copy of his book. I read a copy online because I couldn't afford to buy a copy until today, which is the first thing I did. I went to two different bookstores to find it. The one I read was an older version, and I'm going to read this one also. I'm really going to prepare for this. I'm going to take my meds, read what everyone has written to me, and I'm going to be ready when the 9th comes. On the 10th, I see my dentist for a root planing (periodontal disease) and I'd really like to leave the dentist knowing that I've done a good thing for myself and that I won't screw it up by smoking and only exacerbate the problem more. I've already caused my body damage; most of it reversible, some of it not. Such is life. But I can't continue down this path for much longer, because I know it will kill me. I just know it will.

I didn't know what I was going to say when I set out to write this. I just had to get this off of my chest.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Starting Over

I would say it just gets harder the more times you try. You just start to feel like you're not able to do it. On the bright side, I am smoking less. I don't believe I have smoked more than half what I used to when I first relapsed. But it only takes one and my breathing is more labored. I don't think I ever realized how much smoking had come to affect my breathing until three days after I quit. I don't want to lose faith in myself. It seems like all day I found myself wallowing in self-pity. I've done that all my life at times and I realized that's about the only time that I enjoy smoking. A friend once told me to take the bat away from myself because I'm such a harsh critic of myself. Today is a good example of beating myself with a bat. But after many hours I thought to myself how stupid to actually enjoy this state of being. It made me think about how much of my journals tend to be negative thoughts too. Nothing good can come from that. I don't think I realized that I may actually be suffering from depression until tonight. It is not a big deal - I'm good at picking myself back up. I never let myself stay down for long and as far as the depression it is all external factors, all things that are well within my power to control and change. I want those five days back, lol. That's another thing I have thought a lot about. Those five days were not really all that difficult. I did not have any cravings. It just felt a little uncomfortable. But it also felt really great. And I think what happened is that I was met with the nicotine's final big stand at 5d 18h and I caved. If I had not I just might have been running a marathon right now. So at least I know to look out for that now. Anyway I am probably rambling a bit. Sorry for the lack of paragraphs. I'm writing this from my BlackBerry. Having trouble getting to sleep, one of the side effects I haver whenever I take Chantix. Brenda I'm really sorry to hear you are still having cravings after four months. Please stay strong. Have you thought about why? Does a part of you still think it is missing out on something? That's the one thing about Allen Carr's book I could really relate to - so much of what makes this process hard is psychological, just learning to let go of the habit and accepting that we really are not losing anything by quitting. There's just nothing good about cigarettes, nothing at all. They don't do anything good for us; they never have.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Starting Over

Man, there's just so much wisdom in all of these posts. Thank you to everyone! I'm definitely going to be printing this thread out and keeping it handy with me!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Starting Over

Hi, Rosie's Friend. I have just been taking diphenhydramine to help me sleep, it's been working, but oh yeah, the dreams are something else. In one night, I dreamed that I was the victim of extraordinary rendition in which I was kidnapped and taken to South America. Later in the same night, I dreamed that I was somewhere else and that someone killed a friend of mine I had not thought about in ten years; they chopped his head off and there was blood everywhere! I've never had such dreams before in my life, lol. But it's all good; I only plan to take the Chantix until the last day of this month. I basically quit the same day as you - just an hour and a half before Midnight on the 8th. (I tried to hold off till Midnight but I had finished reading a book and just thought to myself, what's the point in continuing to smoke? No one cigarette is going to be any better than the one before it.) Doing good so far; feels a lot like last time (a few weeks ago) -- not really all that hard, just moments where I find myself annoyed to be thinking about cigarettes, haha. This is it for me; I will never go back to that evil weed again.

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