Yet another newbie

Hello, I'm Katie, I'm new to the website.  I first experienced anxiety when I started a job in 2007, was unemployed for a long time, and worked DBT with a counselor while I was living in Boston.  I moved to NYC in August of 2009, got a job, took it one day at a time, pushed through the anxiety, and felt virtually full relief from my symptoms pretty quickly, actually.  I started to get my master's in social work in January, and on the way to a final exam last week, I had a heavy-duty panic attack on the subway, and for the first time I truly believed I was going to pass out and no one would help me.  I feel as though my mind has circumvented all the work I did and now I'm dealing with new triggers - which could be pretty much anything at this point.  Suddenly I am completely afraid, since I am going to be starting internships in the fall where I am going to learn to be a clinician myself, that I'm not equipped to be a good social worker.  What I struggle with most this time around is the depression that comes with it, the need to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head, and how painful it feels to force myself to get up, get dressed, walk out the door, get on the subway, go to school, and especially to go to work on my feet for nine hours (I work part-time in retail).  I haven't had a restful night of sleep in a week, and I've lost 10 pounds in the same amount of time because I cannot force myself to eat.  I recognize that my panic attacks are not as severe as they've been in the past, but the baseline of anxiety remains (so do the obsessive thoughts), and I must admit that it infuriates me that if it can get better, it doesn't just go away altogether.  I end up weeping all the time, in private and in public, because I don't know what else to do but break down.  I also harbor a lot of anger at myself for continuing to "do this to myself", as well as a ton of guilt for putting my wife of 10 years through this...AGAIN.  I find myself sitting in my house staring at people out the window, and even fictional characters like Homer Simpson, and feeling jealous of their ability to not be miserable.  All I can do is cling to the hope that I can push through once again and reach the other side, with a little more humility, and perhaps some real acceptance.  It's just really difficult to believe, right now, and it would be nice if it could happen already.

Yet another newbie

Thank you so much for all the wonderful responses.  So often when I describe the experience as painful, people around me cannot or do not understand what that means, and it can be really lonely.  It's nice to see that I'm not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes.  kt

The aftermath

Today was a really hard day.  I got fairly decent sleep, only one bout of anxiety in the early morning, and I felt pretty good going to work today.  I had a minor twinge of panic on the subway, but I got through it, and worked the first half of my shift being able to manage my fears pretty steadily.  After lunch, though, I praised myself for one second for being able to eat, and was immediately struck with panic.  It subsided after about half an hour, but I was left feeling sadder and more dejected than ever.  I'm proud that I stayed until my shift was over and didn't have any more attacks, but my sadness and depression, no matter how many times I've gone through this, I wasn't expecting, and I'm not sure how to deal.

The aftermath

After a really good night's sleep, I do feel much better today.  Again, thanks so much for all the kind words of encouragement.  In response to the question about where the sadness comes from, I think more than anything I just feel completely exhausted after the panic passes, and I've found that it is when I am tired (as it is with a lot of people) that I am most vulnerable to the toxic thoughts that cause the panic in the first place.  Plus, after a period of distraction I find myself checking to see if the panic is still there...sometimes it's not so bad, and sometimes it means a full-blown attack.

The aftermath

You are so right.  I just told a friend earlier that I don't ever push my own agenda regardless of what I deserve, because if I put myself out there, what if I can't find my way back?  She said that if I put myself out there, already I would be in a better place than I am now - in whatever way that made a lot of sense to me, and helped me feel like I am on the right track.

Can´t sleep... again

Hi everyone, I'm Katie, I was pretty active on this site a few months ago, and then I was on an summer break from grad school, and my anxiety practically vanished into thin air.  This has happened to me before, where I believe that I am over it, and I put off therapy or treatment because I imagine I'll be fine, or I just don't want to deal with the anxiety because I would rather it stays away.  Of course, Monday I started working early mornings at an internship three days a week, and I have woken up with anxiety the past two nights after sleeping for about five hours.  If I wake up enough to turn over, I can insert a thought into my brain almost immediately that triggers panic.  Then it feels like torture having to be "on" when I feel like I am falling apart in the morning.  Getting up early is nothing very new for me, and I have been able to do it even recently without panic, but for whatever reason I am having such a hard time coping with the return of the anxiety this time around.  I feel trapped, like this is going to happen to me any time I start something new, or even any time I have to wake up early in the morning and have virtually no defenses built up yet.  I'm so disappointed in myself for not having dealt with this sooner.  Please, does anyone know how to cope with sleep issues when they happen in the middle of the night?  People who don't have this kind of anxiety just do not understand what I mean when I describe the pain of it.  I just want to sleep.

Can´t sleep... again

Thank you for the responses, it helps to feel like others relate.  You know, I really do feel like I am at odds with myself.  I had a friend today tell me how "normal" anxiety is and how I should embrace it, but how can I embrace something that has kept me up for three days?  Last night was my worst night yet, I didn't even need the obsessive thoughts to trigger the panic and wake myself up.  I usually am able to cry to relieve some of the stress and fall back asleep, except that last night I was just too tired to cry, the whole thing was pretty much a nightmare.  But I don't have to get up early tomorrow, so I am hoping by just telling myself that tonight is about resting, I will fall asleep and stay asleep.  I don't go back until next Tuesday, but already I am worried about perpetuating this cycle for myself.  I love the work I am doing, and since this is my education and career we are talking about, I feel like I cannot escape this time around--maybe that's the best part about the panic coming back, now I have to really deal with it instead of running from it.  Honestly, what petrifies me the most is the idea that I will have to deal with this forever.  Thinking that was is more depressing than anything else.  Is that something you guys have felt, and if so, what did you do to overcome that fear?

Can´t sleep... again

Hi again.  I was out of town for a conference over the weekend, and I actually slept more than 8 hours each night--I found that I was able to make excuses, like, "Oh, it's okay, I still have two days to sleep before I have to think about getting up early again."  But what I've also found is that by thinking that way what I was really telling myself was that I could put off the anxiety until tonight, when I have to get up early tomorrow--and of course, as soon as I got home I had a panic attack thinking about it.  I had a good cry, which generally helps me break the tension, but I do feel a little out of sorts tonight.  I'm trying to stay hopeful, and I've been doing the homework.  Thank you again, everyone, for your kind words.  Reading from all of your perspectives is definitely helping me feel less abnormal, even if the road ahead of me is long and arduous.

Can´t sleep... again

Thanks Davit.  I wish I could say that I find the anxiety interesting, but I don't quite think I'm there yet.  Last night was pretty terrible.  I literally did not sleep more than ten minutes at a time before I jerked myself awake... all night.  I know I'm supposed to be patient, but barring completely screwing up my sleep schedule by falling asleep whenever I feel like it, the exhaustion that results makes the depression part of all of this pretty unbearable.  There was a moment last night when I literally told myself I would never sleep properly again, and that pretty much scared the living daylights out of me.  I really don't mean to dwell, and I would pretty much do anything at this point to keep from spiraling further, but I don't know how to turn my hope that I will sleep into me letting myself sleep.  Does that even make any sense?  Ugh.  Somehow there's always some new safe to crack.  Then I feel like I'm just complaining all the time.  Which I am.

Proudly dealing with the issues as they come.

Brittany, you should be very proud that at your age you can recognize the symptoms for what they are.  When I was 17 and felt anxious, I chalked it up to hormonal misery that I promised myself I would not have to deal with later in my life.  And that's exactly what happened: I didn't deal with any of it.  You have such a leg up on most teenagers who feel anxious, because you can see it for what it is.  Of course, that doesn't necessarily make it less unpleasant, or less frightening.  I had a therapist tell me once how happy she was every time she saw me cry, not because tears meant misery, but because tears meant I was allowing myself to release the fear.  Now, every time I cry, I feel a huge wave of relief from the physical symptoms of panic, that I myself feel really happy when I shed tears.  Thank you for the tip about eating, it is one that I would not have thought of on my own, and already it has worked in helping me finish my dinner tonight.  And keep getting the massages - be selfish, take care of yourself, and know that you are not alone in your stress and worry.  I have felt such immense support from the people in this program, and I hope that I can pay it forward.