Furgittit,
What an absolutely frustrating situation for you. Please keep pushing for help. I am confident that you will get it if you just don't give up. I have a tendency to just accept what the doctors tell me and slink away, feeling let down. I am really working on being bolder and not taking no for an answer. Help is out there; sometimes it just takes a little while to find it. My family doctor (who is only a physicians assistant) has told me a number of times to call her directly if I am ever feeling like a danger to myself. Of course, I have never called (fear of hospitalization I think), but I feel reassured that she made the offer.
Like you, when I have thoughts like that, I appear very calm and still and rational on the outside. Maybe doctors only think people have to be out of control when they feel like that, but I know different. In fact, when I am upset or out of control, that is when I would be least likely to do anything because my emotions are an attempt to reach out for help. But when I get calm and still, then I have turned inward, focusing on my own thoughts. Maybe doctors should study this phenomenon more so they can be more attuned to when a person is in true danger of hurting themselves. If I was ever taken into the emergency room, I could totally see myself calmly sitting there, reading a magazine or watching the movies they play, contemplating my own demise. Creepy to think about really. Thankfully, the current meds I am on have helped with that whole issue, but I remember how it was before I was on meds. Bad, bad times.
Your letter sounds very, very good. I like how you logically explain everything and give concrete examples of what is causing you pain in your life. Definitely take this letter with you to any doctors’ appointments. Maybe the letter can speak for you when you can't (I freeze up and forget everything at the doctors, so I like the idea of a letter).
Sometimes the calmness I show (I know it is really more of a fearful distrust and careful watching) seems to send a message to the docs that I don't really need help. But purposely acting highly emotional is just not me. Because of this, I have also been dismissed and patronized by most of my docs (drives me nuts!). I know I am very smart, and I know who I am and what I am feeling (as opposed to someone who just met me for 15 minutes). It is unfortunate that docs treat patients this way. We wouldn't be there if we didn't need help. I remember making that first psych phone call was the hardest I ever made. I think they forget how hard it is for some of us to just reach and out ever look for help in the first place.
You are right. Thinking about death is not healthy (wouldn't it be nice to think of something else all the time!).
When you say you "quit," how did you do that? It sounds like you made some sort of positive change in your life? Maybe? Or was it negative?
Sometimes, when I am completely stressed out by home life (why is it that our home life and family seem to be the major/main source of our stress?), I call a relative with no kids (like my older brother) and go stay there for 1-2 weeks as a decompression time. I know not everyone has that opportunity, but since I do, I take advantage of it. If I didn't have family, I think I might get a tent and go hide at a campground somewhere. Often, when I return, I am appreciated more since I was not there to do everything. I think, maybe if I was yelled at and came home to a scary, messy house, I just wouldn't come back at all. My own health and life is more important than serving selfish, ungrateful people. I would just have to set duty aside to be able to survive.
Please stay in touch and let us know how your doctor/doctors react to the letter. Hang in there!
