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Venting

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Sorry about not posting in a long time, I was at an all time low in my last post. I did quit all of my medications and this did not help, and there were numerous crappy things that happened (people dieing, health care professionals lieing, and doing exactly what they said they wouldn't do etc.) and I kind of lost it.

Well I just needed to ask what is a patient/client to do when the healthcare professional psychiatrist/psychologist says oh, there, there dear, this isn't anything you can't handle and sends you on your way to figure it out for yourself. This is not something I can handle on my own, I recognize that, crap I am not even trained for this and the head of the Psychiatrist in this province says that to me, you would think he would be alot smarter than me. Then the healthcare professional types a report totally contradictary to what he/she told you in their office. Then the reports suggests that during the further psychotherapy that certain aspects are done so the patient does not know this is being dealt with. Isn't that lieing?

So needless to say, I am back on all my med's, not feeling good about it, but what can I do, and stopped the Celexa (which is covered) and my doctor put my on Cipralex (which is not covered by my plan (looking forward to paying $70.00 per month for this stuff)).

If I don't talk myself out of it, tomorrow, I am going to the psych clinic at the hospital (the nice one here not the one that employs crazier people than myself) and hopefully I will be able to get some help.

Probably really need a psych consult now. I had to phone about my bosses dog that he had to give away last month. Well the dog was put down for attacking the new owners, my boss is pretty distraught and has been blue since he had to give the dog away in the first place. Now he doesn't know what to do, so I took charge and cancelled his appts. told him to call his wife and take the afternoon off so he can regroup himself. Me, who is ready to have anervous breakdown of my own can always find room to help someone else. I want to cry, I want to scream I just want people to leave me be so I can sort myself out.

And it is out again. All in all I think I am completely crazy and madly and desperately trying to find someone who will agree with me so I know it is not "all in my head".

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

furgittit,

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing.

Be well and please know that we will be here for you whenever you need to stop in, even just to rant.

Sarah, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Just thought I would do up a little post to let those who post here or read this that I am going to be stopping my posting for awhile, I am also going to be stopping all of my medication. Hopefully this will help improve my mood and get all my chemicals and hormones back into whack, I have to do something more before I completely lose it. Doctors aren't helping, medications aren't helping, psychologist didn't help, psychiatrist didn't help, following the CBT here doesn't seem to be helping, and posting sometimes only points out that everyone else is right and I am wrong, maybe I am just not ready for it, maybe I just don't get why I should have to change when everything and everyone else around me stays the same.

Don't worry, I will be back someday.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Yes, there are not positives in everything. Its not always positives you have to look for but ways of looking at it so you can accept it and come to terms with it.

Avoiding would apply if you a person is being abusive or you have tried all other avenues. Sometimes leaving the situation is the only option. Adjusting and adapting should not be looked at as giving in but I can understand where you are coming from. It seems you have a lot of thinking to do on how you can resolve these issues. Whether you resolve them in your life or in your heart it is up to you. Furgittit, I wish I had the answers for you. Unfortunately all anyone can do here is listen and offer support. We are here for you whenever you need us. Even if it is just to listen.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

I did feel like I was heard and understood. I cannot help feeling that it is still for nothing because while things may get better for the short term. It tends to revert back to how it was before. It has become increasingly difficult for me to not just give up.

As for couples counselling, this is one of the reasons why my psychologist won't see me anymore, I would not take her advice and leave my husband and my husband isn't comfortable doing couples counselling because he doesn't or didn't see anything wrong with his treatment of me.

As for the 3 A's it looks like there are only two Adjusting and Adapting are the same to me they mean to me giving up or giving in which are not good because what I want never gets viewed as important or worthy, it all ends up being for or about everyone else. Avoiding doesn't help either because no-one learns anything and it is the same as adjusting and adapting because you are giving the other people what they want and you are left to suffer through. I am tired of being the doormat and I believe I should be heard and considered not just by my hubby, friends and family but by people in the outside world as well.

On this website, I generally feel that I am heard and considered (albeit sometimes not understood because I cannot change my perception of some things even though I have tried). I cannot continue to try something if I have tried a million times and not gotten anywhere, what is the point, it means it doesn't work for me and to give up makes more sense than continuing to do something that makes me feel worse or understand less. There aren't always positives to someone taking their bad day out on you, there aren't always positives to being excluded from a very important meeting to learn about surgical options for your husband and not being able to answer questions from your husband because you weren't there, there aren't always positives to being dismissed by your husband The person who has all of this done to them in less than an hour has no positive outlook on the situation because there is none, it is a situation that I could not avoid and I can not adapt to something that felt like I was being stabbed in the chest by a knife by people I loved or trusted to not screw me over.

I am tired of the fight, I am tired of not giving up I am tired of not being understood and swept under a rug and if I stick up for myself then I am the B@#$%. I am just plain tired.

Thaanks for listening Ashley and thanks for your input.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

I think its good that you had a big discussion with your husband.

Did you feel heard and understood? This is very important.

It seems that there are still issues that bother you. Have you tried going to couples counselling? Every couple can benefit from going. Relationships always need maintenance and growth. It may be something you want to look into. It seems that you have a lot of resentment. You should not have to hold back your feelings. In fact it is good to address issues as they arise. If you are hurting, talk to him about it. Even if it is a past hurt. However, sometimes you will have to agree to disagree and work hard to let things go. So far you doing an excellent job at talking and expressing yourself. Keep up the good work!

It is very possible to change your perspective or angle on a situation. A good way to look at a situation is the three A's: Avoid, Adjust and Adapt. If something bothers you, can you leave the situation or avoid it? Or you may wish to adjust the situation, through compromising and so forth. The last choice is to adapt. Change your thinking by looking for the positive. This is the most difficult and it takes the most work. It seems to me that you already use the first two A's with great skill. We just need to work on the last one. I know you say it is becoming increasingly hard for you to do this, but you can't give up!

Members, any other suggestions?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Thanks for the suggestions. Just to let you know last night, I tried the walk, the deep breathing, the getting away by myself. These don't solve anything and in fact have brought me even more frustration as nothing gets resolved and more crying. They seem to be ways of hiding and avoiding and nothing every gets accomplished by avoiding (my perspective only, others may be different). So again, last night big fight with hubby, now hopefully he is serious about his making some changes and choosing which things to do on his own and which ones I need to be involved in for example, he will go with the kids when he wants to go to stinky firepit parties and leave me at home so I don't need to be around the smoke and the drunks (which I never enjoyed but always did because he wanted be to go). Hubby will include me in his important doctors appointments, ones involving the bariatric clinic, he will see his GP on his own. Hubby says if I need to go for important tests and surgeries, he will be there for me now (in the past I had to go by myself and arrange my own rides etc). Yay, let's shove cathetars in your groin and poke your heart and electro-shock it till it does the funky chicken and you pee the bed without anyone there for you that was so much fun, or better yet be all alone when you have 2 abortions because he doesn't want the kids and you do. At least he got whippy snippeed after that (I was there for him). We talked about these things last night and I truly believe he understands and means to turn over another leaf.

As for me doing anything different, it is not my actions that hurt me and there is nothing I could have done to make B@#$% nurse less B@#$%^ when asked how much longer till my hubby would be seen. I could not have changed my Hubby's answer when I asked him if that was what he wanted when the nurse said that I couldn't go with him. I cannot change my feelings about that hospital, as I have yet to be given any reason to change them. I cannot change my reactions as they are pure and honest and I will not force myself to swallow it up anymore and push it down until it explodes.

Reflecting on my experience makes me cry more, and I do know I cannot change others, and I do know there are certain things that I cannot change about myself. The only things I could have changed was my reaction to what happened and I am not able to lie to myself. Or # 2 not go to the appointment to support my husband and learn about the procedures and food and exercise which affects the family as a whole and not just my hubby.

I don't know what else I could have changed, but I am willing to listen to other points of views on this and other things that I may be able to change as it stands, I cannot view things from other angles as I once was able to. Since the depression has worsened, I am rarely able to find the silver lining and if it is perceived that I do, it is usually a lie to cover up what I am truly feeling.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

furgittit,

It sounds like you are going through a lot right now with your husband. You have also mentioned a lot of important points in your post. Through this all, don't forget to take some time for yourself and relax. If the deep breathing does not work, even a short brisk walk could be helpful? Seperating yourself from that environment will also allow you some time to reflect on your experience and what you can do to change your situation. It is important to keep in mind that you cannot change others' actions, only your own. If you could change anything about this experience, what would it be? What would be the first step to making these changes?

Let us know what we can do for you furgittit, we are here for you when you need us.

Sarah, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Funny thing that, it was originally my hubby who begged me to be with him for everything. I tried to get him to do things on his own as I had enough to do myself, but because he asked, I did it, love will make us all do strange things. I don't believe that he should be torn between his wife (whom he has been with for over 20 years) or a health care provider that is in it for the money, power and prestige, and who does not have a vested interest in my husband other than collecting that cheque from AHIC. As his wife, I should take precedence over a complete stranger and not the other way around. I would never put a stranger ahead of my hubby. But then again maybe I look at a relationship from a different view then others maybe I am seeing it wrong, it could be, I apparently see things differently than alot of people. And yes, I have told my husband my view and he does the shoulder shrug thing and passes it off.

It would be fun to put strangers ahead of my husband, maybe he would like it if, I left him, like my psychologist said I should, or maybe, I should just go completely crazy and go in the hospital and make him come see me everyday 2 or 3 times a day and bathe me, clean my urine out of the urine jug, bring me edible food, make sure I had money for television, make all of my phonecalls, come to my aid when a member of the staff abuses me, find a way to pay for parking when there is no money, make him pay out our last $10,000 dollars on a vehicle that we are going to lose anyway, phone at all hours of the day or night because I am bored etc. Yes, I am resentful, and hurt and, and, and..........

Sh@# I didn't want to go there again, yet here I am. He just doesn't get it and he probably never will and I will probably never leave him and I may just go crazy, but then I know I would be alone at the hospital.

Done, I have to stop this.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hi Furgittit,

My suggestion about being more supportive than aggressive was actually directed towards your relationship and communication between yourself and your husband. I apologize for not being clear about that in my previous post.

I meant that your husband may be able to understand your feelings better, and validate you as you would like, if he didn't feel torn between your wishes and the medical staff's wishes. Having said that, I absolutely agree that you must stand up for yourself and the rights of your family members and have your voice heard if you feel you are being treated unfairly or poorly by health practitioners. Respect is a 2-way street.

I hope the next appointment goes smoothly.

Faryal, Health Educator

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