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Venting


14 years ago 0 2606 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0

Furgittit,

Thanks for sharing your experience with group. Take it one step at a time and continue to keep us updated! It may not make total sense to you at this point, the important thing is that you are giving it a fair chance. Keep us updated on your experience.
 
 
 
 
Samantha, Health Educator
14 years ago 0 271 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hopefully this message doesn't get lost in la la land like my last one.
I have made it through week one of group, it still makes no sense to me:
1.  You have to ask for medication in front of the whole group,
2.  They will withhold psychotropic medications if you do not do exactly what you are told to do,
3.  People insist on calling me by that name, even if I blow up at them,
4.  Volleyball is still not fun,
5.  Aerobics and relaxation is not relaxing, it is terrifying and painful,
6.  Projectives makes me feel like I am in kindergarten and I take the "project" literally not with imagination,
7.  Communications is total common sense and if people don't know it they really need to be ther,
8.  Large group is intimidating, with everyone listening to everyone else's problems (nothing new for me) with 4 judges at the front of the room and the creeper (you know the guy on the bus who makes everyone uncomfortable and sits beside you and spreads his legs just to make you squirm) sits in the group, interrupting and interjecting in his monotone voice.,
9.  No-one tells me how this will benefit me, I am told wait and see.
Good things about group,.......
1.  I don't have to be home until late, ha ha
2.  I get 1/2 hour to be by myself, so long as no-one finds me and tries to make friends with me,
3.  yep, that's about it.
Now all I have to do is gain the courage to beg for some anxiolytics and then maybe I can stop vomitting and participate in the group so that I can be a good little girl and do what I am told.
On the upside, my hubby fixed his own truck all by himself this weekend, (I didn't have to do it, yay).  My hubby has lost a total of 87 pounds we are scheduling his gastric sleeve with his surgeon on November 30th barring any bad test results, I got a free flu shot (and refills on all of my prescriptions from my GP, she doesn't believe it is right to withhold medication from patients when they need it).  Tat's almost healed up enough to take a nice picture and post it.
Group tonight, I am going to psych myself up to beg for the anxiolytics and hopefully they earn a small degree of my trust by providing them to me, and if they do, then I will advise them that I got my refills from my GP.
Have a great day everyone.
14 years ago 0 1044 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I don't want to  sound like a broken record....but Samantha said it first.  Please keep us posted.  Let us know how group continues to go and please let us know how you are doing?
I look forward to seeing a picture of you tattoo.
I also look forward to your posts which also include feedback and a contribution to the whole group.  Don't leave us now......
14 years ago 0 2606 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Glad that all the bugs are worked out again furgittit. Let us know how the "group" experience goes next week. Please do make the time to pop in here when you can, we appreciate your posts and like to get updates on how you are doing.
 
How has this symbol of turning over a new leaf helped you?
 
Members, what types of things have you done to symbolize turning over a a new leaf?
 
 

Samantha, Health Educator
14 years ago 0 271 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi everyone,
 Looks like all the bugs are worked out yet again, (my bad, cookies!, they are to be baked not on a computer)  Anyway, I start next Tuesday in the "Group".  I am still quite anxious, but I can wrap my head around it now. 
As a symbol of my turning over a new leaf in my life or onto the next chapter, I got myself a tattoo.  It is very pretty in my favourite colours black and pink.  Once it heals up, maybe I will post it as my picture.
I am still breathing and hoping that I can make time to pop in here once in while to update everyone.
 
Well gotta get back to work.  Stay well everyone.
14 years ago 0 1044 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Wow, sounds like this program you are going to attend is addresses issues from a comprehensive and totally wholistic approach.  I can see why starting something like this would create anxiety.  I know I would be anxious as well.  I hope you find it helpful and think it's great that you are giving it a try despite your anxieties. 
Let us know how it goes.  I look forward to reading more of your posts.
14 years ago 0 271 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hey guys, looks like the system has finally fixed its bugs.  I can log in and reply.  Yay.
Well I have been accepted into the group, but I am not sure about it.  Now I have to work up the courage to actually attend when they finally call and tell me they have a spot.  So more nausea, more chucking, more anxiety.  Now I have the thoughts of what is the point in spilling my beans for all to see and be able to trust complete strangers that I cannot make my friends and have no relationship with them outside of group ever.  Again I don't find the point.  But then again I don't think I am supposed to see the point.  There are other issues with the group that I am still trying to come to terms with, like the TV group, apparently, now it is not just the tv group that gets to watch it, but they may show it to people that have nothing to do with the group.  And they have me over a barrell, I want help but they aren't willing to compromise.  So this is not a great start to earning my trust and making me feel safe.  At least the assess
or got my name right.:)
Before I get too far gone, I will sign out for the night and try to relaxbefore bed.
Thanks everyone.
14 years ago 0 271 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hey guys, sorry for not completing my post.  My computer booted me out of the sight and now I can't access the website anywhere except at home.
 
I lost my train of thought and have no idea where I was so, again sorry.
My days are down and more even than usual, just sad and confused.  I am probably just waiting for the boom next week.  Well keep your fingers crossed that this group will be the thing for me.  If not, I guess I will continue to muddle as I have been doing.
take care everyone.
14 years ago 0 271 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi everyone, the book sure explained alot about the why I am the way I am.  Now to tackle the how do I change certain aspects without losing who I am.  I don't know who I am, but I do know my name (which everyone refuses to use, they prefer the shortened masculine version, so this complicates things) and that is a part of who I am.  Now to figure out everything else.  Big job ahead.
I don't like the term insightful, it refers to having information and being able to utilize it.  I have the information, I just don't know what to do with it.  "Insight" is to me just another psychiatric term to say someone has heard but not necessarily understands what you are saying.  Sorry guys, that's the negative, angry BPD talking.  This is something I will hopefully get to work on in further therapy.
I am still pretty anxious about attending the "Pre-Group" interview.  I am waking up and getting sick every morning.  I am not pregnant.  All I can think about is what if they reject me, what are my alternatives, blah, blah, blah.  What are the finer points of the program (like what exactly is done during the small groups, etc.)  I know there is aerobics and volleyball and drama and tv group.  Yay, my most favourite things in the world.  The volleyball is supposed to help "healthy competition" in a social atmosphere.  I don't believe competittion is healthy when you always lose, or always fail or others make fun of you so competition .  The drama and tv group sound absolutely horrific, people pushing you to acknowledge things you have no ideas about, people watching you and scrutinizing every little thing about what you say, how you react and what you look like.  The aerobics is supposed to help you learn the signs of stress and healthy ways to deal with stress, this is just stressful thinking about jumping around in front of complete strangers who will laugh at your butt as it jiggles up and down and getting sweating and more exhausted.  I already know the signs of stress and the supposed healthy ways to deal with it (I have tried numerous things to no avail, aside from b@#ching).
Social, I don't care if I am social, I just want to stop the cyclical thinking and the constant anger and sadness, I don't want to make friends I can't keep, I had enough of that as a child.
So I went to the Psychologist yesterday, the one who kept calling me by that bad name.  She was to give me further information on the "Group" which didn't happen. I left with more confusion than I started with.  She was interested to know that the thoughts of this "Group" make me physically ill.  She asked if a more supportive structure would be more appropriate and I told her that is what I asked for in the first place and all they could offer me was this evening program because I have to work and pay bills, blah,blah, blah.  She tried to come up with alternatives to try to get me into a day program but I do not have the flexibility in employment to allow for any of her alternatives.  But she did keep trying to convince me that the evening program may not be for me.  Duh this is why I am chucking all the time, the fear of the group, the fear of rejection, the fear of having to spill my deep dark secrets to people whom I have no knowledge of. 
Having to trust healthcare professionals, without them having earned it or proven that they are trustworty is just as difficult.   I do not see that these people actually have my best interests in mind when they prescribe medication, tell me studies show, and the vast majority of people improve, blah, blah, blah.  In case they haven't noticed I am not like the vast majo
14 years ago 0 11216 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Very on the ball furgittit; actually quite impressive how well you are able to articulate what you are going through.
 
It is very clear to me and it will be quite teraputic for others who have BPD to read. It would be interesting to start a thread dedicated to BPD or Personality disorders in general.  It is very common for sepression to accompany other mental health issues and I think a discussion on the topic of personaility disorders could be a great addition to the forums.
 
Although many health care professionals may not understand you; here we will always try to and never judge you if we can't.  Keep posting and reflecting.  Your contributions on the forums are very appreciated. 
 
 
Ashley, Health Educator

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