It's really hard to say "I'm not doing well today" especially when others appear to be tired of hearing it. I have one person that is supportive 95% of the time but I have limited access to this friend. My boyfriend is sometimes supportive and sometimes just tired of it.
My family doesn't understand at all. I can say to my oldest son that I'm not having a good day and he immediately jumps in to help me out and gives me a hug which makes me cry. My oldest daughter just rolls her eyes and says don't be so emotional. My mother says have a cigarette and you will be fine (I quit smoking 2.5 yrs ago) and my dad just says oh well. I think everyone else just thinks I'm crazy.
I try to hide my depression from my co-workers and if they ask what is wrong I just say I'm overwhelmed and tired. I totally avoid the depression conversation because I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it can understand how badly it really feels.
Confused,
I respectfully disagree with your analogy of this being self pity. My depression isn't self pity. I know that I am in the position I am in because of choices I have made and it is my own doing. I do not feel sorry for myself. Quite the contrary. I am actually proud of my accomplishments. I have supported myself, raised 3 kids on my own, and put myself through school. I graduated and then found a better job which relocated me and the two youngest kids. I am very successful in my career and I feel like most of the time I am a pretty good mom. I am a youth leader in my church and try to be a good example for the teenagers that I lead.
My "issues" are within myself. I have a hard time focusing for a time, have unexplainable tears, and don't understand all this crap called "depression". All I know is that I am in despair. It is dark and it is lonely. I don't see hope in it being any different. I am alone and feel that I'm not worthy of being loved by others. I'm not deserving because of the mistakes of my past. I don't consider this to be self pity. I consider it facing facts.
I have no control over this thing called depression. It comes and goes at will. I can be fine one minute and not the next or vice versa. To me that isn't self pity. Little things set it off. Mainly it is when I am overwhelmed or too tired. I get in both positions a little too often.
I am grateful for what I have. I adore my kids. I love my job and my new life. We have a nice home and a very full life. I wouldn't want to trade places with anyone. I believe I am where I want to be personally. I don't have self pity. I am depressed and I have no idea why. Does that make sense?
I think I have all these symptoms right now. My eyes are swollen and I'm just trying to make it through the day. I hate this feeling. It just seems no one cares.
Hello anyone who can hear me.
I don't know what has happened but this past week has been just awful with each day progressively getting worse. I have contacted my counselor 3 times this week.
In November my doctor and I cut my Effexor XR from 150mg to 75mg. I have been doing fine until this point. I also take Clonazepam for those times I need something a little more and I take Buspar twice a day. The last couple of days I've taken the Clonazepam and it looks like I'll be taking it again today.
I'm stressed out. I'm tired. I'm not able to focus on anything, although I'm trying to focus on little things and get through them one at a time it isn't helping much.
I did something this week that I can't even share here but it has had a profound affect on me and I can't handle it. I did something really really wrong and didn't even realize I was doing it. I feel horrible and like I belong in jail.
My eyes hurt and are swollen from all the tears. I constantly have tears in my eyes and am struggling with trying to keep them from falling. I'm also trying to stay away from everyone at work because it is very obvious that I'm not ok.
I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't even think there is help for me anymore. My doctor that I've been seeing for the past couple of years is now 4 hours away. I contacted a (family)doctor here that I have seen once before and they didn't even return my call.
Yesterday I contacted a Pschiatrist that is on the list of my insurance plan. They have to verify that my insurance will pay and then they can set up a new patient visit. It will be 3 to 4 weeks before I can be seen. I can't continue like this for that long. It's so very, very, very, very dark here.
Wildcat. Why are we constantly told that to need to be with someone is wrong? I had the discussion with my counselor a while back about people who are always saying that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Ever notice that these people are typically the ones who have been married for 100 years?
Anyway... my counselor told me then that I know how to be alone and that is fine. If I want to be with someone else, that is fine too. But that nagging... you can't "need" anyone else or you are a loser keeps coming to mind. Is it really so wrong to say to my boyfriend, I really "need" you to be with me this weekend?
Wildcat.
What you are saying makes perfect sense. Yes, I too give 110% and feel "obligated" to volunteer and be super mom, super woman, and super employee. I cannot be all things and that is true. I need some time to collect myself, regroup and find a center safe zone. I did move about six months ago away from my home of 15 years. I relocated four hours away for a better job, better area, better schools, and more opportunities for the kids. I do not have a foundation here. I'm still trying to find my place.
I have a friend who keeps telling me to just "live" each day but that is so complicated for me. It sounds simple but it isn't so simple. The thoughts that run through my head constantly are very draining.
I have gone back up on my effexor to 150 mg. 75 just isn't doing it for me anymore. I am also trying to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist in hopes that he can help me get the medication correct. I've played the trial and error game with my family doctor for 2 years now and it just isn't working for me.
Something else that came out in a discussion last night... I often feel I'm not loveable. There isn't much to love. Perhaps it is "I" that doesn't love me and not others. I am very criticle of myself and think that I just "have" to do this and that.
Oh yes, what you said below makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
I've now had four days of the Effexor at the higher dosage and I really think it is helping. This afternoon and this evening I started feeling better and like I'm climbing out of the slump.
Church this morning was also very helpful. I know many are not religous but typically I am. In recent months I have drifted farther and farther from God and for some reason cannot figure out how to get back. I know better but it hasn't mattered.
After church this morning, I approached someone and asked them to help me find the Lord again. She agreed to help mentor me. That is a step in the right direction. Baby steps and keep focus and keep pushing forward. I have to remember that on my dark days the sun comes out again eventually.
There is hope for me. I have to keep trying until I get better.
Confused,
This program right now for me is like everything else in my life. A mess and something I don't have enough time to work so that it is beneficial to me. I'm trying to reset priorities.
A couple of months ago I was really working the program and it was helping tremendously. I need to get back to it. The discussion boards at least keep me focused and give me a sounding board for the times I feel I'm alone and don't have anywhere to turn.
There are never enough hours but some things we have to "make" time for. I know the program is important and would help me a lot. I have to be proactive but like you said, it's difficult when in this state.
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