I Will Not Go Down

I came home and went to sleep for a while. Usually when I get tired I start to get down. I was a little more tired than I thought. I had to get up to go get the kids. I'm not feeling any better. I don't feel like doing anything but I have dinner on now. I just want to curl up, work on a blanket I'm making for my son and drift off in my own mind. I feel like an insane person. I hate this feeling. I've been doing so good and now it's gone. It's all gone. I fought, I lost. I feel so worthless. Why? Why? Why? The comment made to me was just that I needed to cut someone some slack because dealing with kids when you don't have your own and dealing with someone depressed isn't easy. It made me feel like a burden. I know that isn't what he meant. He was trying to make me feel more secure about the situation at hand. I just took it all to the extreme like I'm really good at doing. Even when I try to stop. I just don't understand. How can we be so in control and then just totally lose it in a matter of minutes? Please tell me. Someone please tell me!

I Will Not Go Down

Today is a new day. Danielle... Did you even read my post? I was challenging the negative thoughts. I've been challenging the negavite thoughts and doing really well for the past couple of weeks. Why I wasn't able to win the battle on this one I don't know. Perhaps I was tired. Perhaps I'm tired of fighting this battle daily. Winning or losing it is exhausting. Have you ever been here? Do you know what it feels like? I would be really curious to see what your training tells you about depression. I know you are a medical professional so please share with me and the group what they tell you about people like us. I'm not being challenging here, I'm truly curious and would like to know.

What???

I've been doing well... I've been fighting hard and yesterday I lost. Someone said something and I fought really hard not to go down that spiral but I didn't make it. For whatever it is worth I only went down about 1/2 way but isn't that like smoking 1/2 a cigarette? I left work and went home to bed. I slept for almost 2 hours and then got up and went through my evening routine with the kids. I was feeling ok by the time I went to bed last night. Perhaps I was just tired. I went to get my clothes this morning and saw that my son hadn't changed the laundry out like he told me he had. He continues to lie to me constantly. I can't trust him and what happened a couple of weeks ago is a direct result of him. I don't know what to do. As I looked around this morning I saw several issues of his lack of doing as he is told. I had a conversation with him the other day that the chores are not a punishment they are a lesson. If you can't be trusted with the little things, how can you be trusted with big things? There is a lesson and you are failing by not following through. It's about self control and doing things you don't want to do. I also told him I've had to do this many times. It makes no difference. He has betrayed all trust and isn't the young man I thought he was at all. He has broken my heart worse than anyone ever has in my life. This is my son. A mom isn't suppose to have favorites but if I had one it would have been him. He shattered my world a couple of weeks ago with what he has been doing and that is what almost sent me back to smoking. I'm sharing it here because I don't know where to turn. I picked up my bible this morning when I was frustrated and the passage I came across was in Proverbs from the Message (not the bible). It said a family stays together no matter what. So here I am in a new day. Distraught and trying to pick up the pieces and put it all back together again. Trying to stay positive and count my blessings. Praying for my child, praying for strength and understanding, praying and trusting that God can fix this because I know I can't. I don't know where to turn. I know a lot of you don't believe in God and have a hard time with that concept but that doesn't mean you don't have something you may be able to offer here. I do believe in God but I'm lost right now. This isn't easy and it is destroying me inside. Constant turmoil.

What???

Yes my son is 14 and I have a 5 year old son as well. I also have a daughter that will be 21 soon. She is married and starting a family of her own. She has entered into a marriage that isn't good and is making a lot of the mistakes I made in the past. I have a hard time letting her go and allowing her to make her own mistakes. The more I talk the more distant she becomes so now I just sit back and am an ear when she calls. I love her and she knows that. Other than that it is out of my hands. It has taken me a long time to get to this point with her. My 14 year old is so different from his independent sister. He lies and continues to do so. I can't believe a word he says. The more I think about it the worse I feel. I do blame myself but at the same time I know these are the rough years. I don't trust myself to guide him through them properly. I thought I was doing right with my daughter by showing her you don't have to stay in abusive situations and that you are you can raise kids on your own. And she is exactly where I was living the life I have lived. I feel I failed her and perhaps I'm miserably afraid of failing my son as well. I know I'm rambling but I'm tring to work it all out in my mind becuase I don't know what to do or what I'm doing wrong of if I'm even doing anything wrong.

What???

Thank you dumpling. You really helped.

I Will Not Go Down

I'm still working on session 3 and it has helped a lot with my understanding when I react the way I do and why. I just have to figure out how to control it. I'm doing better today. Moving along. Thanks. Looking forward to Session 4. Just wish I had time to work through it.

What???

I have come to the understanding and accepting the challenge that I must be the "Rock" for my boys. We have eachother and that is it. I'm the mom. I'm the one who has to keep it together for their sake. I must be firm and solid and a good example for them. My tears, discouragement and insecurity will only create the same in them or give them some sense of mom being weak. We can't have that. I can fall apart all I want to behind closed doors but in front of them I must be the stubborn, successful woman they have come to know. I can do this. We can do anything for our children and for the sake of our children. Right????

treatment plans

Wildcat, I use to say that I wish I could see myself as others see me. Instead I saw this woman who had fallen short in life and made a lot of mistakes. I've been working with a counselor for a year now and I also have been dating a guy for about 6 months. These two combined are helping me to be able to see the intelligent, successful, woman that lives inside of me. With each passing day confidence grows. I know exactly what you are saying in this post as I have felt the same for so long. I can tell by your posts that you are intelligent as well. We take one day at a time and we make it through. Perhaps better than the day before and sometimes we aren't so lucky. Still the days come and go and we grow and grow. Don't give up. I'm not giving up either. Are we ready for lesson four?

What???

Good advice. Thank you.

Goal Setting

I'm so frustrated right now! We are to talk of goals... we are set goals. We set goals where we work, with our kids, in our personal lives, with our relationships, with our education. I have way too many goals and now I'm overwhelmed with prioritizing each area of my life. It's like I need a serious time out everywhere I function just to put my goals in order and to know where I'm going. I need to develop a plan on how to get to where I want to go. But I just don't have any time!!!!!!