From your description, you certainly seem to show symptoms of alcoholism. Obsession of the mind that tells us that we can handle a drink or two and then once we take that 1st drink, the phenomenon of craving kicks in. Then when we are not drinking we are restless, irritable and discontent.....anxious, fearful....depressed.....
Fear, self-knowledge will not help we are bound to take that dreadful 1st drink. The only solution is a psychic change. In AA, the 12 steps help you reach that and then the promises come thru....
This is from the big book aka "Alcoholics Anonymous".
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No
person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his
fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have
been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink
like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and
enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.
The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into
the gates of insanity or death."
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost
the power of choice in drink. Our so called will powerbecomes
practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into
our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and
humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense
against the first drink.
Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental
defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor
any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come
from a Higher Power.
Never. I would be the last one to grab a plate to eat and that too it will just a small portion of i eat now. But my hand will always hold a glass/bottle of something. Later I read the book called Alcoholics Anonymous, i realized i am an alcoholic and have lost the ability to control my drinking due to phenomenon of craving that keeps us drinking the moment we put 1 glass of alcohol in my body. And then the obsession to drink leads me to that 1st drink the next day. And always restless, irritable and discontent in forced sobriety.
yes close to 3 years thru working the steps of AA. I use to be restless irritable and discontent but not anymore. I am at peace. But i got to work the steps every day and maintain a fit spiritual condition.
by turning my will (thinking) and life (action) over to HP of my understanding. and lot of meditation. also selfishness and self-centeredness is the problem not alcohol. so try not be that,.
I started buying bottles with cash so it wouldn't show on the credit card statement and hiding them in cabinets or places
Hiding the bottles! Only Alcoholics can understand the need. if you read the book called Alcoholics anonymous there is a paragraph that describes a real-alcoholic. here is some excepts:
But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate
drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at
some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his
liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.
.......
He is the fellow who goes to bed so intoxicated he ought to sleep the
clock around. Yet early next morning he searches madly for the bottle
he misplace the night before. If he can afford it, he may have liquor
concealed all over his house to be certain no one gets his entire
supply away from him to throw down the wastepipe.
it is very difficult to convince the spouses that if we are alcoholics, we have no control over the things we do related to booze. hope your spouse is open minded and tries al-anon or other alcoholics support groups. you may visit AAs online site and read the book called AA on-line. Read the preface, forwards, Doctors Opinion, Bill Story and see if you can relate to what is included there.
If you cannot be at ease with yourself when you are alone, you will seek a relationship to cover up your unease. You can be sure that the unease will then reappear in some other form within the relationship, and you will probably hold your partner responsible for it.All you really need to do is accept this moment fully. You are then at ease in the here and now and at ease with yourself. But do you need to have a relationship with yourself at all? Why can't you just be yourself? When you have a relationship with yourself, you have split yourself into two: "I" and "myself," subject and object. That mind-created duality is the root cause of all unnecessary complexity, of all problems and conflict in your life. In the state of enlightenment, you are yourself - "you' and "yourself" merge into one. You do not judge yourself, you do not feel sorry for yourself, you are not proud of yourself, you do not love yourself, you do not hate yourself, and so on. The split caused by self reflective consciousness is healed, its curse removed.
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