Your health is more important than anything. If you feel you need to go to AA then don't let anything hold you back. AA is anonymous. You do not have to tell anyone, you do not have to lie to your mother, you can simply say you are being responsible and addressing your addiction.
All the feelings you are going through right now are normal. It is hard to address this, but the fact is it is essential to address this. You can do this. You are a strong woman. You take care of your mother, supporting yourself. That is one of the hardest positions to be in and you are doing it. You can do this.
I also suggest that you find a support group for people caring for their elderly parents. What you are doing is very stressful and your addiction may be a symptom of what you are going through. With stress management and support your task to defeat your addiction may be more manageable. You have been using alcohol as a coping mechanism and you now need to find new ones.
Around the time I started to realize that I had a problem I planned to go to AA but I felt strange about it. I kept thinking that since I wasn't getting drunk every day my problem wasn't serious enough to justify my presence at the meetings where people with far more hard core addictions than mine were looking for help. I felt like an 'amateur' that was blowing my problems out of proportion just to get attenion. It was a stupid excuse, and in many ways I'm still doing it.
I should be making plans to go to AA tonight given that it's Friday and the heavy sense of depression that comes over me at the end of the work week is one of my biggest triggers all on it's own. But (believe it or not at my age) I still worry about my what my mom thinks about the choices I make in life. She's old fashioned european and believes that people keep their problems to themselves and deal with them in isolation so as to not inconvenience others. She knows damn well that I have a problem, but if she knew I was going to AA she'd make the fact that I've disappointed her yet again very obvious (yet another trigger). She makes a big deal about feeling sorry for herself that her only child has failed her so spectacularly. So basically I'm toying with the idea of lying to her to protect myself emotionally and I'd end up hating myself so much for doing that, that I'd end up feeling worthless and drinking anyway.
I'm weak and I hate it. I just don't know how to be stronger right now. I feel like tattooing 'lacks emotional autonomy' backwards across my forehead so I'll see it every time I look in the mirror.
Anyway, that's where I am with the whole AA issue. I'll get there. Baby steps.
From your description, you certainly seem to show symptoms of alcoholism. Obsession of the mind that tells us that we can handle a drink or two and then once we take that 1st drink, the phenomenon of craving kicks in. Then when we are not drinking we are restless, irritable and discontent.....anxious, fearful....depressed.....
Fear, self-knowledge will not help we are bound to take that dreadful 1st drink. The only solution is a psychic change. In AA, the 12 steps help you reach that and then the promises come thru....
Have you started working through the program yet? You will find it to be really helpful.
It is a big accomplishment that you have joined this site. Recognizing that you seriously have a problem is the first very important step to change.
Is there another therapist you can talk to in the meantime? Have you thought about AA or other therapies? All the help you can get right now will be beneficial. You should also talk to your doctor about the Disulphuram. She/he will be able to advise you about symptoms etc.
Everything you have wrote is very good. You are able to analyze your addiction and question your actions. It seems very difficult now but you can do this for yourself. You deserve better. Keep posting. We are all in this together here.
Just wanted to introduce myelf to the group. I'm a 41 year old woman of european descent living in Toronto. Single (never married) and childless. Regular office job. Caregiver to my 84 year old mother. I've been avoiding this site for a while now because I keep telling myself that once I join the forum it will reinforce the fact that I truly have a problem.
Last night I drank enough to really scare myself yet again. Binge drinking is a hobby I've been part-taking in every weekend for years now. Over the last six months it's gotten continually worse. Once the hangover is gone I go right back to thinking that I can handle a couple of drinks and stop. I can't. I keep going until there's nothing left and to make it worse, I've eaten everything in the house that's not nailed down.
My therapist is on vacation and I won't see her again until late August. I told her I'd be okay and then turned around and started drinking almost right away. I've got a bottle of Disulphuram capsules in my purse but after reading about the possible side effects I'm too scared to take them. It feels like I'm reaching for alcohol on automatic now though I know what I'm really doing is giving up the battle because it's easier than fighting. I'm embarassed and scared. I need to stay vigilent and not react to my triggers - and trust me, there are a lot of them. I'm hoping that posting to this forum and reading/responding to other posts will help.
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