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Posts created by lemontwist

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 96

I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression lately, and was referred here from the stopsmokingcenter.net website. Lots of annoying things going on in my life at the moment, nothing really on its own bad enough to make me miserable but in sum probably not helping much. I've always been a perfectionist and overachiever, and am in a really difficult job situation where I feel like a failure all the time. My job is also temporary but also high stress and a lot is expected of me before I leave in October. I also have to start job searching so I'm not unemployed when my contract is up. I'm also living about 1000 miles away from my family and friends from college, although I feel like I've done a good job making a lot of new friends where I currently live and I feel like I have a good support network here. I'm also struggling with figuring out my sexual orientation, suffered a very bad injury and surgery a few months ago and also just recently quit smoking.

Lately I have been noticing I've been drinking a lot, and feel like I have been hanging on by the skin of my teeth trying to avoid smoking again. I'm going to therapy once a week and have stopped drinking after discussing it with my therapist. I feel a lot of self-destructive impulses, and when I feel good I feel like I'm not supposed to, which ironically makes me feel bad and confused.

Anyway, life isn't all bad. I exercise a lot, I love to run and figure skate and do so 5-6 times a week. Exercise always makes me feel better when I do it. I see my friends at least once a week, take a class once a week, and at least work gets me showered and dressed and out of my apartment 5 days a week. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes just OK, sometimes very anxious, sometimes miserable, sometimes like a robot, and sometimes I have no idea.

Hopefully talking about it here will help. I know it'll be good knowing that I'm not alone.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 96

How to deal with first thing in the morning cravings?

This is my 3rd time attempting to quit smoking. I'm on day 4. The cigarettes I miss most are the ones in the morning: first thing when I'd wake up (usually would smoke 2), then I'd make coffee and have one or two more, then another one or two before work. (If I would wake up in the middle of the night I'd smoke then as well, and it would help me go back to sleep again.)

All the advice says to avoid triggers but I don't know how to avoid waking up in the morning. I stopped drinking coffee for a few days but couldn't handle losing two of my addictions at the same time. I don't necessarily physically crave a cigarette but I fantasize about it all morning. I also have a hard time sleeping. I feel that I can get through my cravings later in the day pretty well, but mornings are unbearable. It's also a stressful time in the morning because I feel like I'm always in a rush to get out the door (although of course that didn't stop me from finding the time to smoke). I feel like I can't do this.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 96

Junkie Thinking - A Survival Guide...

I am having such a hard time dealing with these thoughts lately, it really helps to know that I'm not alone and that it's not stupid to feel this way. This is my 3rd time quitting and I just have to remember that maybe I would have been successful sooner if not for that junkie thinking. Thanks for this post!

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 96

Closet smoking and relapsing

Was anybody else here a closet smoker? I have been trying to tell people that I'm quitting... The first few times I tried to quit (which I don't even really count as tries because I don't think I knew what quitting meant back then) I didn't tell anybody and felt completely unaccountable. One of the reasons I am quitting is because I'm so tired of hiding it, which gets hard when you need to disappear every few hours for a cigarette and come back smelling like smoke. Lol. However now that I'm telling people I'm worried about relapsing BECAUSE it would no longer be something I'd have to hide. I mean I'm not planning on relapsing but it's something I've worried about.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 96

Can people share their relapse stories?

It truly is difficult to trust that just one drag will lead you into the rabbit hole again until you do it, and then it's too late. There are a million excuses I can use for my last relapse but ultimately they don't matter. It had been almost 2 months and that first cigarette was terrible and made me vomit, something I hadn't done since my very first cigarette ever. I bummed the smoke so I figured I was ok. And it was so horrible that I thought "oh good that was gross and I never want to smoke again. Glad I did that." Did not expect to have a hurricane force craving several hours later followed by knowing that I would be smoking again, and not only was I smoking again, I was smoking more than I ever had within just a few short days. It comes back with a vengeance... Actually the addiction never goes away, I just forgot what it can be like.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 96

How to deal with first thing in the morning cravings?

Kristine, thanks for the idea about the coffee making. I have a french press but no grinder, I usually just get my beans ground at the grocery store and take them home. I guess it will give me something to look forward to in the mornings. :) Any recommendations for a bean grinder?

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 96

High standards

I'm sorry you haven't gotten a response sooner. I am exactly the same way. I like to be the world's leading expert at everything I do, immediately, and know everything there is to know, yesterday if not sooner. I have a hard time getting negative feedback (even though it's the best kind of feedback, take it from an electrical engineer) because I have a hard time disconnecting the lesson to learn from personal criticism. I think the #1 thing to keep in mind is that failure isn't a reflection of your character, but I know exactly how hard it is to remember that at times. Mistakes aren't a problem unless you don't learn from them.

It definitely ties into smoking because, at least for me, I feel like I have to be good at quitting, and when I'm not, when I struggle with it, it adds another load of stress to the equation. I feel like I'm supposed to be really good at everything that I do, so when I am constantly battling with thoughts about smoking, it seems like I should be so beyond that already. I also overanalyze things to death (which was good for getting a PhD, not so good for quitting smoking) which leads me to second guess everything I do, which does not help when I'm having those awful addict thoughts about relapsing. Don't play devil's advocate with an addict.

Wish I could offer some advice, other than to just go easy on yourself. If anybody else knows how to stop being your own worst enemy, I'll be all ears!!!

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 96

How to deal with anxiety?

How do you all deal with the anxiety of smoking? I am doing a lot of deep breathing, reminding myself that I only have to take things day-by-day, etc. But sometimes my anxiety doesn't go away. I know that anxiety is a result of having some kind of fear, but sometimes no matter what, I still have just awful anxiety (about smoking? about work? about life? about everything? who knows!) that does not go away even after a careful analysis of what is going on in my life and what positive steps I can take to solve any problems I have. When I have anxiety I find myself getting caught up in my own thoughts, and it can be hard to concentrate on things like reading or doing chores or watching a TV show.

Usually I cope with anxiety by running, but I had a severe injury recently that leaves me unable to run, and walking is very painful. So, I have basically had two of my anxiety coping mechanisms taken from me. Hopefully the running will come back eventually. The smoking, I'd like to keep away.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 96

Boy I sure need to quit

Six days smoke free is excellent! Just take it day-by-day. Don't think about forever: just think about not smoking now, this minute, this hour, this day.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 96

Mad scientist

I've posted several times now but figured I may as well officially introduce myself. I got tired of obsessing about smoking constantly and bugging my friend with endless text messages about how much I hate quitting (she's a non-smoker, happy to help me but really doesn't understand what I'm going through) and was really happy to find this website and find out that I'm not alone in any of my thoughts and experiences. I haven't been a smoker for a terribly long time (which ironically hasn't made it any easier to quit), maybe several months, and this is my 3rd serious attempt to quit. I'm ready to be over it. I'm using the cold turkey method, relying on my good old willpower. The first time I tried to quit I didn't realize that quitting means more than just going a week without smoking and then lighting up again. My last relapse was after almost 2 months smoke-free, and although I can use every excuse in the book for why I started again (anxiety, traveling, being in Europe where smoking is more ubiquitous) it just boiled down to I wanted a cigarette and I gave in. I really don't want to relapse again and am starting to learn from all of the posts here that it truly is up to me, and that I have to admit to myself that I will always be addicted to nicotine.

My day job is research scientist, which means my curiosity has at many times gotten the best of me (why else start smoking at my age?). I also recently suffered a very bad ankle injury which means that my ability to cope with withdrawal by running/exercising is seriously limited, but I am not letting that derail my plan to quit. I am very excited to regain control over my life and I dream of one day being able to go over 24 hours without thinking about smoking. I was a closeted smoker, only one or two people knew that I smoked, so I am happy to be able to stop hiding and sneaking around.

Thanks for all of your help, kind words and support. It means SO much!

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