This Stinks
I have a hard time talking about this, but I feel like posting here will be a good idea. Lately I have been dealing with some pretty major anxiety and depression, for which I'm seeing a therapist. I also realized that I had been drinking a lot to cope, and obviously this is a really bad idea so I've stopped. I've been exercising regularly, about 4-5 days a week, which always helps while I'm doing it and for a while afterward. I have also been doing a lot of relaxation exercises, which are specifically from the Freedom from Smoking program from the American Lung Association. Whenever I feel unusually wound up at work I go for a walk. Many times a day I find myself breaking into tears for no reason, and fortunately there's a lab at work that nobody but me uses, so I can generally go in there when I need some time alone.
My therapist suggested that I start thinking of things that I like to do and planning them so I have things to look forward to. I immediately thought about smoking, and how if I were smoking again I'd have something to look forward to 20 times a day. The thing is, right now, I don't really know what I can do to "look forward to." I go out with close friends once a week, exercise regularly, take a class once a week, etc. I'm getting my nails done tonight which is sort of something to look forward to. But nothing really seems exciting or fun anymore.
Every time I think about smoking I feel like my entire body is going to rip apart because I get so excited at the thought, and then I feel so guilty at feeling excited, and then annoyed with myself, and then I have to spend what seems like an eternity convincing myself that it's a bad idea. I feel like I'm so desperate right now to have something to help me cope with how I'm feeling, which is the only reason I'd even start drinking heavily or smoking again in the first place. It seems like this is never going to end. I know that smoking is counter productive, but it's so hard to keep that in mind all the time and I don't really know what to do.
