Well, I've got a hot date coming up on April 10th with my orthopedist to have another round of surgery on my ankle. This time he's going to remove the plate and five screws that went in 7 months ago when I fractured my ankle. They're causing me a lot of pain which is limiting my ability to exercise at the moment. (It didn't keep me from spending 2 of the last 3 days skiing at Vail, but I'm definitely paying for it now.)
I'm not really that scared this time, because I know what I'm getting in to and I know I'll be able to walk out of the hospital (unlike last time where I was on crutches for 6 weeks). However, I definitely still have some anxiety and post-traumatic stress issues with my ankle, as thinking about it tends to make me feel sick to my stomach and really anxious... Thinking about that coupled with spending the day in airports today on my way home from Colorado, I'm really giving myself a ton of credit for not smoking. (Out of two relapses one was at a train station and one was at an airport. And whenever I've slipped and bummed a smoke, it's been at an airport.)
I really can't wait to have some closure on this injury of mine, and get back to my healthy coping mechanisms. It's been a truly difficult winter for me, without having ANY outlet for my anxiety. I'm also looking forward to seeing a psychiatrist soon to hopefully get my depression under control. I don't like to blame my cravings on being depressed and anxious constantly, but they certainly haven't been helping me out much!!!
The surgery went well, but I'm definitely not walking as well as I was expecting to afterward. Anyway, I'm not using crutches so I can't really complain. Surgery always puts me out of sorts for a while. Trying to ease back into everything now, and fortunately I'm taking some sick time from work so I can do it without any additional stress.
No desire to smoke whatsoever, and I'm coming up on 6 months. My reward is going to be a leather jacket, so I suppose it's time to schedule a shopping trip at some point soon!
I'm not going to smoke. But I need to vent. I haven't craved a cigarette so much until the past few days; I just started taking an antidepressant and I hate the side effects (which are temporary) and I can't believe it's making me want to smoke so much. UGH!! I feel like I am going to crawl out of my own skin, and I have no appetite (above and beyond any lack of appetite I've ever had in my life), feel dizzy, and just like a giant ball of weirdness. I would love to be able to go for a run, but I can't with my ankle...
This is all very helpful. I'm trying to be present with my emotions and feelings lately, which are weird as I feel like I'm re-learning how my emotions work right now. I also think the physical discomfort I've been feeling the past few days has made me want some quick fix relief, which of course a cigarette won't provide but that's what my brain was latching on to. It also doesn't help that the spring weather is triggering me something awful. I'm just trying to sit back and take a deep breath when I start feeling really awful, and ride it out, and then get on with it. So far so good.
Thanks again everyone. Didn't realize I made it into the 200s.
Been a rough few weeks. I was hospitalized for my depression, and just trying to get through it. I'm glad smoking wasn't allowed while I was an inpatient. I think nicotine (gum and patches) was the most heavily dispensed drug, over antidepressants and sleeping pills. :-P
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