This whole post motivated me to write a list of all the things I hate about smoking. I was expecting it to be difficult but once I really thought about it I couldn't believe how easy it was. These are all things I'm happy to have given up.

 

1. Hiding it

2. Trying to light a cigarette in the wind and chipping my nail polish because the lighter won't stay lit

3. Freaking out because traffic is really bad right outside my apartment and all I want to do is be home so I can smoke

4. Being afraid to talk to my sister on vacation because I knew I smelled like smoke

5. Purposely staying back on my vacation and not doing fun things because I wanted to smoke

6. Feeling nervous and guilty every time I smoke at work because I'm afraid somebody I know will see me

7. Getting cigarette smoke and ash in my eyes

8. Burning my favorite clothes and shoes

9. Feeling like I'm being judged every time I buy cigarettes

10. Feeling guilty about throwing the butts on the ground and leaving them there

11. Feeling completely unable to get any work done for long periods of time because all I can think about is when I'm going to have my next cigarette

12. Being unable to work long shifts in the clean room

13. Feeling guilty every time I cough

14. Coming up with constant rationalizations for why I am out smoking

15. The sinking feeling that I have absolutely no control over my smoking

16. Being completely unable to smell or taste anything

17. Having to go outside to smoke when it's f***ing cold out, or raining

18. Spending almost every waking hour of my day thinking about smoking

19. Freaking out when I only have three cigarettes to get me through the morning when I really need more like five or six 

20. Being unable to sleep without nicotine in my system

21. Feeling like I'm going to die if I don't get a cigarette immediately after waking up

22. Hating a guy, for no reason, who's out walking his dog because I'm afraid he doesn't like my smoking so I feel I have to put out my cigarette and finish it later

23. Forgetting what it's like to be a non-smoker

24. The burning feeling when I smoke the end of the cigarette

25. Being incapable of feeling normal without having a cigarette... or two... or three

26. Getting locked out of my hotel room in Firenze... although that was rather hilarious

27. The cognitive dissonance of doing something that kills me

28. Having only five minutes to smoke a cigarette during the train station stop on the Amtrak, and spending half that time wondering where my lighter is and the other half frantically smoking a cigarette after I find it

29. The realization that my tolerance is quickly increasing and that I need more and more cigarettes to get through a day

30. Having to plan where I'm driving to include a stop somewhere that sells cigarettes

31. Having to get the taste out of my mouth after smoking

I am an avid runner and marathoner, only stopped by my recent injury. Actually it was probably the only thing that kept my smoking in check before my most recent relapse, because running means so much to me. I can't wait to get back to it again.

 

If I can give two pieces of advice to any running newbies it's these two things, one of which you've already learned:

 

1. Invest in proper running shoes. A good running store will be able to fit you and find the appropriate shoes based on your gait.

2. Take your time and don't do too much at once! Don't try to train for a marathon first thing. Start slow and go from there. Take things day by day. (Sound familiar?)

 

I'm so glad to hear you're still able to run after smoking... I feel like it is a common theme for ex-smokers to take up exercise, and running is such a great way to work out. I wonder if part of it is how addictive it can be, but fortunately running is very healthy. Of course it's still important to take care of yourself: hydrate, stretch and make sure you eat enough. Feel free to send me a message if you ever need any running advice. :)

I was hoping to avoid ever having to tell her (I *had* quit before we met), but since my recent relapse I feel the need to tell my girlfriend about my history of smoking and nicotine addiction. I think it will help in many ways, mostly because she can better understand what I'm going through and also because I feel it will help keep me more accountable to stay quit for good this time. I'm sure she will wonder how she can support me through this rather rough time, and honestly I don't even know what I would tell her, as sometimes it's hard for me to know what I need. She's never smoked and is very anti-smoking, so I imagine she will be supportive of my desire to remain cigarette free, but I also realize that she will not understand the addiction, as nobody who's never smoked can truly understand it.

 

Any resources that anybody can recommend? Did any other closeted or relapsed smokers come out to their significant others or close family members and have advice to give me?