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Posts created by Athene

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Hi There! Nice to meet u! :)

Hi there Pinky.

It is so reassuring to know that there are other women like me out there. I am also a professional who is "put together" for work, but drink myself to oblivion when I am at home. I work in children's mental health (so I know how my drinking affects my children) and also worry that attending a group could affect my credibility. I am going into day nine and I am startled by the clarity that sobriety is bringing me. I think that I was fooling myself into believing that no-one was aware I have a problem. At work - I think people would be surprised to hear that my problem is with alcohol, but this new clarity makes me so much more aware of how often I had trouble forming coherent sentences at morning meetings, or how forgetful I was (and still am to some degree) or how moody or tired I was. I have not told anyone at home about my problem, but the effect of my sobriety on my children and husband are staggering. There has been so much less tension, conflict and drama than usual over the past week. Today my nine year old daughter said, "I had the best day today - I don't know why but I am really happy!" - this from a child who spent at least three or four evenings a week in her room in tears or having a tantrum.

Pinky, I am very new at this, but I am starting to believe that I am someone who should never touch a drink. But I now know that the same strengths that enable me to function in a high pressure environment at work can be mobilized to keep myself positive and optimistic. You are stronger than you think!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

How do I create an avatar?

How do I create an avatar?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Why did you quit?

My reasons for quitting

- to set a good example for my children

- to find time to do the things I enjoy

- to get my self respect and memory back

- to stop a downwards spiral that would inevitable end badly

- to get rid of the shame

- to feel better

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

slips

I am on day 12. Yesterday was brutal. My kids were both ratty all weekend. They are excited about Christmas coming but they don't know what to do with all that nervous energy. I was craving a drink so badly last night. I went down stairs to my mother's kitchen and got out the carton of wine she keeps in her kitchen. I looked at. I walked away. I wend back - took a giant swig and then put it away. Walked a way. Didin't drink mor - I know that that is good and that this was in mahy ways a success. But it scares me to think that it takes so much energy and will power to resist - how can I ever keep that up?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

slips

Tiana,

How do I know? Last week I was convinced that abstinence would be the only option for me. This week I would desperately like to belive that moderation is possible because I like to drink. I just have a real problem in stopping. I thought about allowing myself one glass of wine next time I am out for dinner (my problem is drinking alone at home). Then again, the last time I was able to quit for three days, it was the glass of wine in a restaurant that set me back to drinking again.

I thought about having the goal to abstain for one month. But then I am afraid that at the end of the month I will overcompensate by drinking way too much. Self control has never been a strength for me. Neither has making decisions.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Journaling physical symptoms

~m, I feel your pain. I have also used alcohol for years to numb the pain of unbearably intense feelings. The irony is that the times I have felt the most desperate have been when I have had way too much to drink. Now that I am not drinking I find myself in a strange state where I am still sort of numb. Plenty of anxiety but I haven't shed a tear- or been excited - or happy - or sad... Just irritable. And a little afraid that I will be blindsided by an unexpected flood of feelings.

We need to find a healthier way to deal with our feelings. The only way we will break free is if we can have faith that the universe will not implode if we allow ourselves to feel strong feelings. And despite how terrifying and overwhelming it may seem - we will not disintigrate, nor will we feel such intense pain forever. I know that in my mind. Now I hope that with the support of others, I can accept it in my heart. Have courage.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Something to be thankful for!

Yesterday marked two weeks since I stopped drinking. I have had three little slips where I snuck a drink from the bottle but I am so astonished and thankful that I am here.

I am 47 years old. I have had problems with alcohol most of my adult life and for the past few years I have been drinking one to one and half bottles of wine a night. The only times I have abstained from alcohol in the past 15 years was when I was pregnant with my two children and once when I stopped for four days. I have "fallen asleep" (passed out) in the middle of reading bedtime stories to my five year old so many times that he is surprised now that I finish the stories. My short term memory is so bad, I often forget what I am saying before I even finish my sentence. I have stolen money from my children's piggy banks to buy wine and I have frantically dug through all the cupboards in my house, my brothers house and my mother's apartment looking desperately for anything to drink when I have been out.

Now all of a sudden I find myself here. I am sober and clear headed. I have a plan. I have hope and for the first time in a long time I can look around me and see that despite everything I have done, I have been a good mother and my children are both doing well. I am good at my job and I make an important contribution to the lives of many people. I am intelligent and compassionate and creative and there are lots of things that I want to do with my life.

How is it possible that I am here when less than a month ago I was so stuck in self destructive patterns and negative thinking?

Obviously there isn't a simple answer and I know that this is just the beginning of a long journey, but I can tell you that without a doubt, the support and encouragement I have found here has been incredibly important to me. So, to everyone at AHC, thank you for:

- being there night and day, anytime

- offering continuous hope and encouragement

- sharing your stories and feelings

- reminding me to re-read things I have written on good days

- helping me remember that bad days don't last forever

- offering tips and strategies

- having the courage to share your journeys with me

- reaching out to me and others, even when you are having a bad day.

Happy Thanksgiving to those of you in the U.S. To the rest of you - Happy Friday!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

New Day

Welcome Anne,

I have found the AHC to be a tremendous support. I hope that you will too. Congratulations on taking an important step. You can do this!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Why do you drink?

This is a great topic. I can relate to so many of the things that people are saying here.

Why do I drink? Because it feels good, because it turns down the volume on my anxiety and stress, because it helps me slow down, because it helps me overcome my shyness and self consciousness... Somewhere between the pleasant buzz of the first couple of drinks and the inevitable heavy, dark, empty numbness, for a moment - I feel FREE. The problem is that I can't hang onto that feeling but I want to so badly.

I think I have a fair amount of insight into why I pick up the first drink, but I want to understand why I can't seem to stop after one or two, even when I feel awful. I often wonder if it is the same thing that made me exercise compulsively when I was anorexic and eat too much when I was bulimic. Do I have some genetic flaw that impairs my self control or is it simply that I am never satisfied. What I have is never enough. I never take the time to savour the taste of what I am drinking - I just pour it down my throat trying to get to that elusive good feeling faster.

I am on day 19 and apart from a couple of minor slips, I am not drinking. I am finding it much easier to drive by the liquor store without feeling the need to stop and I am not consumed with the thought of drinking or not drinking all day. But I am working hard to keep myself safe. I haven't bought any alcohol. I haven't been out to any social events or restaurants. I want so very badly to believe that I could drink safely when I am not at home but I am very afraid that I can't; that this fatal flaw runs too deep and that I cannot risk it. But I miss my wine soooooooo much.

I read something in a book about responding to cravings by recognizing that your body and mind are lying to you. You don't need a drink, you want one. Having the drink won't even satisfy the "need". I know that after a drink or two I can rationalize just about anything. It is very unsettling to accept that I can't trust my own thoughts and feelings.

What I need to focus on is that without alcohol, I feel less stressed, less tired, more alert and my whole family seems to be more settled. I don't think anyone has really lost their temper or been brought to tears in our house for a few weeks.

I think that the biggest challenge for me right now is the emotional ups and downs of this journey. I need to keep reminding myself to be patient when I am down and to have faith that eventually, the pendulum will swing the other way again. It helps to know that I am not on this journey alone.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

I did it!!!

Today was my mother's birthday and we took her out to dinner to one of my favorite restaurants. This is a place where the waiter knows us well and usually has a bottle of my favorite wine open and ready before we even order. I had been going back and forth in my mind about whether or not to have a glass of wine tonight. I actually practiced outloud in my car saying "not tonight thank you, I think I'll have a Perrier instead". And then 10 seconds later I would talk myself into thinking that one or two drinks wouldn't hurt.

When it came down to it, the waiter said "wine?" and I said "no thank you" and that was it. We had a good meal. I honestly didn't really miss the wine. Once I had made up my mind, it was actually much easier because I didn't have to struggle with the decision anymore. And the food tasted good. My husband and I are connecting again (although he has not said a word about me not drinking). My mother thinks I have cut it out because my doctor said alcohol prevents the absorbtion of calcium and I apparently have weak bones.

I can't believe that I am here. Day 15. Dinner out and my head is still clear and I feel good. My daughter had a rotten day at school and was in a really bad mood which usually makes me want to drink but I actually have more patience with her. I think its partly because I feel more hopeful not only for myself, but also for her. If anyone had told me a couple of months ago that I could do this, I would not have believed them.

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