This is a great topic. I can relate to so many of the things that people are saying here.
Why do I drink? Because it feels good, because it turns down the volume on my anxiety and stress, because it helps me slow down, because it helps me overcome my shyness and self consciousness... Somewhere between the pleasant buzz of the first couple of drinks and the inevitable heavy, dark, empty numbness, for a moment - I feel FREE. The problem is that I can't hang onto that feeling but I want to so badly.
I think I have a fair amount of insight into why I pick up the first drink, but I want to understand why I can't seem to stop after one or two, even when I feel awful. I often wonder if it is the same thing that made me exercise compulsively when I was anorexic and eat too much when I was bulimic. Do I have some genetic flaw that impairs my self control or is it simply that I am never satisfied. What I have is never enough. I never take the time to savour the taste of what I am drinking - I just pour it down my throat trying to get to that elusive good feeling faster.
I am on day 19 and apart from a couple of minor slips, I am not drinking. I am finding it much easier to drive by the liquor store without feeling the need to stop and I am not consumed with the thought of drinking or not drinking all day. But I am working hard to keep myself safe. I haven't bought any alcohol. I haven't been out to any social events or restaurants. I want so very badly to believe that I could drink safely when I am not at home but I am very afraid that I can't; that this fatal flaw runs too deep and that I cannot risk it. But I miss my wine soooooooo much.
I read something in a book about responding to cravings by recognizing that your body and mind are lying to you. You don't need a drink, you want one. Having the drink won't even satisfy the "need". I know that after a drink or two I can rationalize just about anything. It is very unsettling to accept that I can't trust my own thoughts and feelings.
What I need to focus on is that without alcohol, I feel less stressed, less tired, more alert and my whole family seems to be more settled. I don't think anyone has really lost their temper or been brought to tears in our house for a few weeks.
I think that the biggest challenge for me right now is the emotional ups and downs of this journey. I need to keep reminding myself to be patient when I am down and to have faith that eventually, the pendulum will swing the other way again. It helps to know that I am not on this journey alone.
mostly with myself.
