I decided not to respond then I find out that hugs4U has a neck problem and long paragraphs were hearting  hugs4U neck. We have to be careful how we respond to each other because our responses are filtered through our own life experiences.

Had hugs4U said in the beginning of the post that long paragraphs were a problem for hugs neck the whole post would have provided a different meaning then the one we I interpreted.  Alternatively, I sure I had said that I had a learning disability then hugs would have understood that.

Perhaps hugs thread was not a response to mine or anyone else it was just frustration of having neck pain while trying to read. This is where CBT should be of used you should not make judgements about other people’s posts because we may not know what is behind (the filter) in a person’s post.

So if there is a problem like this again ask for verification of what the person said like Davit said he is willing to explain himself if you do not know where he is coming from.

I just wanted to through this one out for Davit to answer, you were replying to Red in that all her fear comes from a lack of control of agoraphobia. I agree with you that most people problem stem from a lack of control but I would also add that the control we lack is the onset of a panic attack. We do not want to feel intense fear in a situation that most people on this site now know is out of proportion to the event. This is where I find my control when I can separate an event that cause an attack from the attack itself.

When we can see the event as separate and not logical to cause such fear we gain control over the event. This works with a thought also and in any situation that one finds him or herself in that causes an attack.

Dizzy

This is where my problem starts I started analyzing the problem and what I would say about it. I have heard that it is said a lawyer never asks a question unless he or she knows the answer. This I where I get into real trouble going through scenarios of what I am going to say and then anticipating the other person response; so that I have a response ready for theirs.

Invariably the conversation never turns out the way I anticipate and I get stuck tongue tied with a response that I was not expecting. Then I in a brain freeze to answer back to their response. I have read that worrying does not help the situation, I am not sure that I am worrying I think I am just preparing myself for all responses.

However, I have learned that the response or the way you think thing things will unfold seldom happens. I have also come up with an alternative thought. The thought is I am am not in a one-hour debate that starts and stops forever. In the above situation, the answer I got was even worse than I ever considered. The answer provided an opportunity for me to add value to  the organization. However, the thought did not come to me until well after the conversation exchange. This is one question am I worrying about my response which serves no purpose or am I coming up with an alternative response that I could not think of at the time. I just realized something right know that even if I have an alternative response after the situation that if I wait and bring it up again and say my new thought; they may respond in a manner that again puts me into a tongue tied response.

One of the ways I was such a good auditor is that I would survey the situation and then go ask open ended questions (which is probably not assertive), but it worked many times because the person would always give too much information and hang themselves. I am not looking for symbolic victories in every conversation I only use the auditing example of another way I prepared for a conversation.

Question do people who are good at being assertive go into a conversation with the facts and remain open to any response so that they can quickly assess the response, and ask or respond to the other persons in accordance with what the other person answer was. One problem is where I am in an interview and it is a one-hour debate I cannot go back and reassess what was said and go back with the correct answer.

At the end of the interview I had, the person asked if I was looking for work elsewhere. I know they are not allowed to ask that question but they saved it to the last moment when I was preparing to walk out, and sprung the question on me. I know that an interview is a stressful situation for anyone, even for a person who is not by nature a nervous person. However, when your filled with anxiety is my inability to respond to the question in an appropriate manner because I am a nervous person; or is it because I am still trying to change to being assertive; or is it because I try to prepare for the interview and did not anticipate that question.

Or is it all three of these and the fact that I beat up on myself for not coming up with the right answer after the situation has occurred which just reinforces the helpless tongue tied response. I think I know the answer that the health providers will say is that I have answered my own question. I was wondering do other people have similar problems that I have. The answer to this one is probably yes because there is a session on being assertive and disputes. I just wondered how other people handle the situation. I have seen that there is the suggestion to use a conversation record in a dispute. However, I am not in a dispute in many of my conversations problems and I think by analyzing what I should have said reinforces the tongue-tied position I find myself in.

Dizzy

1.   The capacity to regulate the body to balance sympathetic and parasympathetic systems

2.   The ability to attune communication the ability to feel someone is open to you and can reflect your state.

5.       Ability to respond-flexibility to take in a situation stand back and then react

6.       Insight awareness that can connect past present and future

7.       Empathy

8.       Morality

9.       accessing intuition allowing wisdom of body to inform reasoning

These qualities can be found in a healthy child who has been brought up without attachment difficulties  to his or her mother. These qualities are expressed functionally in the frontal lobes of the brain. In addition, when looking at the brain they found people with these qualities have thicker frontal lobes. Finally, these qualities can be cultivated thought mindfulness or some form of mediation.

These qualities as you may have guess already show your how your relationships (at the beginning with you mother) affect your view of the world. The relationships and your view of the world are processed through the same part of the brain. Therefore, to some degree your relationships you have had or have know are wired in your frontal lobes also shows you how you relate to the world. This is not the sole purpose and only purpose of the frontal lobe as it also helps you describe your relationship with the physical world.

 Let us not start beating up on how we were raised unless you have not done a journal and got it out of your system. These qualities can be cultivated through mindfulness and the practise of meditation. It also may show you where your view of the world came from when you look at your relationships and how they may mirror your view of world.

To relate this to myself there is an event that changed my whole view of the world.  This event for me was starting high school and then lost my hearing (this is when my panic attacks started). This is when as Einstein says I put the” I” into my suffering. In other words  by putting the I in my suffering I became separate from the rest of society.

You can imagine that if you feel separate from the world in relationships shows me how I formed the opinion of the world as being separate from myself. I do not believe that this event was the one and only event that gave me the view of the world but it certainly solidified it. Even now, I can ask the question where I fit in. Funny thought before learning this I started to work on my relationships because this is where I determined my biggest problem was. By the way, you can obtain these qualities of the above with cultivating a relationship with yourself.

In other words, you can cultivate in yourself to be your best friend. How many of the people on the site who have a partner who they love can honestly say they love themselves as much as they love the partner. You can cultivate this relationship with yourself by being mindfulness and using meditation (meditation is where you start not where you end).  If you change the view of yourself as being greater then you sensations and thoughts then you are on your way.

This is not a call to religion it is a view that we are all part of the world the universe and we all made up of energy in different forms. This is where I am having trouble with as you know I said above that I felt separate from people when I lost my hearing this view continues as I search for a connectedness to myself and everything around me. This would be a paradigm shift for me.

One last point is that not everyone can achieve all of what I said, just as there is no one pill that cures all panic attacks, or there is not one thought that needs to be changed that will cure everyone in CBT.

Dizzy

How do we measure self-esteem in our current society by comparing ourselves to other. Consequently if someone told you were just average most people take offense to this statement. Therefore, if you look for self-esteem by comparing yourself to others then you are likely to want to be better than them and strive for perfectionism or some other infliction like workaholics.

I do not know if this is factual for Davit it is just what I am interpreting from what he said based on his post. It seems to me that most of Davit core belief came from comparing himself to his brother, the rest of society, or believing that it is bad from being different from everyone else. I wonder why it seems that our negative core beliefs come from comparing ourselves to others. Does someone have another answer other then the search for self-esteem. By the way, if I trace most of my negative core beliefs to their root they come from comparing me to others.

I believe that Davit has it right when he says that you have to accept yourself for who you are above average in some areas and bellow in others. The problem with looking for self-esteem if it is goal oriented, is that when we fail our self-esteem takes a nosedive. It waxes and weans with the ups and downs of life.

The antidote to this is self-compassion if you can show yourself self-compassion and you are on a down part of life your mood you will not be as exposed to the ups and downs of self-esteem and comparison to others.

Basically what Davit has said is correct in my opinion if you accept yourself for who you are right now and show yourself compassion in a hard times you will not be exposed to the negative core beliefs. You can be your best friend and not look to others this would be the one constant you will have all your life if you can develop compassion. It will never leave you and is not be subject to examination.

It probably does help to know where your negative core belief are so that when they show, you can show yourself compassion, so finding them is still a good exercise in my opinion. You do not have to like where you are right now in your progression toward mental health and a sensation of panic attacks. Can you accept yourself for the panic attack and anxieties and all the other faults right know and write yourself a letter as if you were talking to a person who is going thought the same problem you are right now. Does showing yourself compassion and accepting how you are right now scare you.

One of the reasons this works well as that even thought we are suffering from the same problem mentally, we will never know what it is like to be exactly in the other person shoes. If I say think of a yellow lemon in your head assuming that no one is color blind I do not think anyone can see the exact color or shade you are picturing. Although we all know what the lemon is (panic attacks and anxieties) you will not know the shade of another person lemon.

Don’t misunderstand me I think it is equally important to have someone who you can have a connection to and this site offers people with similar problems can certainly give you a different perspective then someone without a mood problem.

I forgot if you feel like righting yourself a letter try putting it away for a few days and read it latter it will blow your mind (no literally just joking).

Dizzy