Hi Samantha: not sure I like the word "lurking" around the site. Sounds like something a little on the scary side, like someone lurking in the shadows. How about perusing, or searching the posts on site? lol
Anerol - on-a-roll: You brought back some memories. I didn't want to talk to anyone either, because I would turn beet red and then I figured they knew I was nervous - can't hide that. Believe me with the exposure work you are doing, it gets better. You're doing great! You're getting better every day. Congratulations. I enjoy reading your progress.
D: sounds like good news for you re: walking. I'm really happy for you. Hope this fellow works out well for the summer and the home care person helping on her off days.
Anerol: thanks for the comment. I just don't want to overdo - I think if I were a true artist I would need to hole up somewhere and not be bothered by phone calls or visitors. I work well alone and when I get really inspired, tend not to stop to eat or drink. I know that's not good, so am trying to be careful about it. I always found art classes too noisy and distracting with comings and goings - though it is fun and inspiring to see others' artwork.
Hi David: I remember a few yrs. back I was driving somewhere and suddenly, I didn't know where I was going, didn't recognize the road. Luckily it was a quiet road trafficwise. I was concentrating very hard to figure it out and told myself, don't worry, it'll come to you, and it did. That was a weird experience. I've only had that a couple of times. Another time was when I was highway driving and felt "floaty" - don't know how to describe that, out of body I think - anyway, I concentrated on the car ahead of me and again the feeling passed. I do remember I was very stressed those two days. Is it something like that?
Anerol: Glad your day went well with getting errand done. Davit is right - one day you will be able to help someone else - perhaps even someone who is going through anxiety and panic attacks and you'll be great at it because you will understand and have empathy for the person.
Anerol and Davit: There seems to be a common thread here. The aloneness of the person, the watching and observing and the preference for a quiet life. Not to say that we don't enjoy a good time every now and then. When I asked my older brother a couple of summers ago about our family life (because I couldn't remember birthdays, but know we had them) he said he saw me as the "forgotten one". I was rarely asked anything nor was I ever fussed over. He told me that I would sit quietly and watch and observe the goings on. I could not rely on my mother if I had a problem. On several occasions I remember telling her about "bad" things which had happened to me or frightened me, but she never did anything about it, not even a hug. I usually had to solve it on my own as best I could. So I never bothered to speak up, it didn't get me anywhere. I swore I wouldn't do that to my children, and I didn't. I gave lots of hugs and listened to their problems.
Davit: Glad you had a nice grandmother to show you love and affection. I understand that older woman who has difficulty "saying" what bothers her. I still have lots of stuff inside, if it comes out I feel uncomfortable because it sounds like I'm whining and weak, and I am not. It bothered me to even write that last post about my mother not being there for support and I wondered if I should have written that. When my parents fought about me, I would hear my Dad say, "you never wanted that child".
Anerol: Yes, I have siblings. an older sister who lives on another continent and an older brother, the eldest, who lives in Arizona 6 months of the year and comes back to Canada for 6 months travelling around. I had another sister who died of cancer and two brothers (my playmates, closer to my age) who drowned in a tragic boating accident.
Red: Congratulations! So happy for you. Learning something new and meeting new people too. It can be very exciting. You will never forget this past exposure work you have gone through. You'll remember it for another time and you will know that you can do it. Since doing my clay work I can't wait to get up and start. Bet you feel like that too.
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