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Posts created by Jessica30

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

Experienced ?Quitter? at 30 y/o

Hello Group! My name is Jessica and well.. I have a drinking problem like nothing I have ever imagined!

I'm 6 months 8 days free of cigarettes and 8 years free of IV cocaine, but I cannot seem to stop drinking for more than a day or two. I was able to walk away from cigarettes after more than 15 years of smoking and walked away from cocaine while living with a dealer and using for several years. But alcohol has a hold on me that I cannot begin to explain.

Sadly I have been 'that girl' who just cannot wrap her head around addiction treatment because for some reason I have always been able to just walk away from addiction. I think it took me a long time to come to terms with my alcoholism because I had myself convinced that I could walk away from booze anytime I wanted. I'm obviously wrong! Am I alone in this experience? I have never met another person who was so easily able to walk away from dangerous addictions but have such an insane problem with the one 'legal and socially acceptable' substance.

I am ready now to do whatever it takes to kick this. I aim to get support and treatment from a local mental health association. But the first thing I need to do I think is to move from my current housing situation. I'm with my bf of 4 years, he is a recovering cocaine addict (more than 5 years clean) but he drinks often (not as often as me) and his idea of 'supporting' me is to poke fun and laugh at my attempts to better myself. When I quit smoking he had nothing but negative comments for me. He spends his days making me feel small while he lays in bed eating junkfood and smoking weed and cigarettes. I really think my living situation is very very toxic and will not help in my recovery. I think I need to get out, get single, spend some time alone concentrating on my needs and my recovery, and surrounding myself with others who are in recovery and therefore more able to support me in my new lifestyle.

Can anyone offer any insight into my situation? Any and all thoughts/suggestions welcomed and appreciated.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

Who have you complemented today?

I feel like I'm in such a bad spot in my life right now that its difficult to think positive thoughts. I wonder sometimes if my drinking escalates when I am mentally tormented. I'm in a pretty crappy relationship right now that I'm trying to get out of, but finances are getting in the way of that. I think once I'm in a better spot personally this will get much easier to manage, and when I'm not expected to perform for my partner (100% of the housework and cooking and laundry are my responsibility as well as contributing through working) I will have more time to take care of myself... With more care taken with my own needs I think I'll be in a spot to be more positive with those around me.

On that note I would like to send supportive positive energy to all of the forum visitors today, best of luck in your journeys :) you can do it, and we can all help each other get there.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

Weekend failure!1

For me what has worked for family events is to drive myself there. I have always had a very very strict rule that I will not drive anything with a motor with even one drink in my system regardless of how many hours have passed, if I did not sleep a full night between drinking and driving I will not drive the car.

so I do not drink until I'm back home from the event. Oddly my car keeps me sober (not sure that's a good thing)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

Weekend failure!1

For a lot of years now I have not allowed visitors into my home. At first it was to hide my drug use, but now it's mostly to hide my alcohol use. I have 18 empty cases of Canadian Tall Boy cans in what should be my diningroom. I choose not to let people in to see that I guess that protects me from their prying eyes and from their opinions on my lifestyle or behaviours.

Before I met my current bf I had a rule where I did not have alcohol in my house and never drank at home. This forced me to spend more money on less alcohol by going out to drink in bars. Sadly this lead to other behaviours like allowing men to buy me drinks and from time to time more sinister activities.

I hope to return to a lifestyle of not drinking in my house. I'm working pretty hard at finding social places that do not include alcohol. I'm a very social person and cannot be happy with people to talk to and interact with, and sadly i'll not be happy without chicken wings either.... so that's gonna suck.... I guess on my first months reward shopping trip I'll have to get a deep fryer to make chicken wings at home :)...

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

Experienced ?Quitter? at 30 y/o

Thank you Foxman.

I am going to call the local Addiction Assessment place tomorrow and get an appointment with them, and I hope to start attending regular AA and other group therapy meetings by the end of the week. I'm really not sure how that will go over considering my living situation, but I need to start taking steps in the right direction or I could potentially stay in this cycle of spinning out of control indefinitely

Thanks again for the support and suggestion.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

Tomorrow is the day help

Hi Motivation...

I just read your post and I see that you should be into day 2 at this point. I just wanted to drop you a short note to wish you the best of luck, and to remind you that you are awesome!! and that you will do great no matter what :) I look forward to hearing more about your experience in the 'success stories' forum :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

Experienced ?Quitter? at 30 y/o

He has no intention of changing his life until he absolutely has to. I suspect it will require a heart attack (from the junk food and weight gain), or worse. unfortunately he has been destroyed as a man by a system I have difficulty understanding. 8 years ago (before we met) he had just retired from professional football, he was using a lot of drugs and drinking and there was a suicide attempt and then a bunch of 'mental health care' Through that health care and a successful stint in Rehab for the drug problem he emerged with this new attitude and view on life. He only does what he wants and what he thinks will make him happy and will never ever step outside of his comfort zone to do something for someone else. He is completely self absorbed. Although if you ask him he will tell you he is 'self aware'

What I know is that, for me.. the relationship has been over for a very long time, I just have not moved out yet. I will be looking for a sober living neighbourhood in the GTA, where I can hopefully rent a room or something. Then I will focus heavily on outpatient treatment and group therapy. Through these therapeutic avenues I will hopefully meet others in recovery and make a world of safe healthy friends.

Thank you for your kind words, I look forward to interacting with you and the others on the site.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

is it normal?

Hey everyone.

I have a question about how I have been feeling (physically) being 'sober' for a short while. I last drank on Saturday afternoon (fairly excessively although I only planned to have 4 drinks...) I drank nothing Sunday and nothing today, but I have been feeling nasty. I am really super warm and sweaty but to touch I feel cold and clamy. I feel like I just cannot get my head out of my ass (if that makes sense).

I was feeling fine yesterday.

Is this just the weather? or is it actually to do with the alcohol and my body? I have always just passed it off as poor nutrition or not enough sleep, but now that i'm really carefully analyzing my problem drinking I'm starting to see that I only feel this way after a binge drinking event. Am I reading more into it than is there? Or am I more physically addicted to alcohol than I thought?

I look forward to reading your insight.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

is it normal?

I suppose if I WERE physically addicted to alcohol I would potentially be a little easier on myself and not expect miracles like I have in the past. I suppose I'm just hoping for something to 'blame' my lack of self control on.

It bothers me that for one reason or another I'm having extreme difficulty putting down the bottle (so to speak) when I have been able to kick other habits with relative ease. I had next to no withdrawal symptoms from cigarettes (and I smoked for over 15 years a full pack sometimes more each day) and with street drugs I woke up one morning and said... 'nope, I'm not using today' and although my guy at the time continued to use I had no difficulty and no withdrawal symptoms. Why is Alcohol different? I guess I just thought that based on my past experiences that I had and would continue to have control over the situation. It seems as long as I don't have that first one, I do have control, it's after that 'first one' that I'm in trouble.

After I give up alcohol what is left? I suppose that is what bothers me the most. I have gone from crazy party girl doing drugs and drinking, smoking, and being social, to no drugs, no smoking,... I think I have held on to the drinking this long because it is the link to the 'social environments' that I like/need/want in my life. I know that without social interaction and intelligent conversation I will likely end up in a really badly depressed state.

I'm not sure but I think my issue is just that I expected more from myself.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

is it normal?

All of my past behaviours have been harm reduction steps.

I have a congenital heart defect and neurological condition so smoking and opiate use was particularly bad for me. nearly 10 years ago when I decided to cut the two from my life and lifestyle I actually rationalized that everyone needs one vice, and since I'm not a big fan of eating.. I guess my guilty pleasure will be alcohol... and it was from there that I cut out the drugs, and several years later the cigarettes followed.. I suppose this was one of those self fulfilling prophecies. (but why is it so difficult.. I just dont get it)

Last month my liver tests came back normal, and I would really love to keep it that way (considering how much I have been drinking and my past drug use I was pleasantly surprised). I have spoken to my doctor about my drinking and asked if there was anything he can do to help, and he suggested that I 'stop drinking'. As you can well imagine I found that to be annoying yet ignorant all at the same time. I did not expect much from him since all he ever does is try to get me on antidepressants, I have a headache he gives me celexa, I have a throat infection he gives me effexor (yeah I'm serious he's just completely uninterested in really treating anyone) So I was prepared for his no help response but I thought I would still give it a try.

I know I seem smart and well spoken and put together but that is what 3 times through post secondary educational systems will do to you. I suppose I'm sad evidence that addictive behaviours are not reserved only for uneducated, desperate helpless individuals. It is my education that makes my situation all the more frustrating. I should be smart enough to manipulate my own thinking in a way that will let me get the best of the situation. The longer I sit here thinking about this... the more I am thinking that I still might be able to do that. There might be a harm reducing option left. Going to bars does not mean I have to drink alcohol, I often go to bars and am the DD and do not have a single drink .. going out to bars is not my problem, going drinking is my problem.

It's not perfect but replacement might work for the short term.

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