is it normal?
I have always been a very self sufficient self motivated individual. I have not told anyone of my intention to stop drinking as of yet. I think my motivation for keeping it to myself is the same motivation that keeps me from starting smoking again. No only do I have an extreme fear of failure but the thought of not succeeding when others know of my intention to quit would be devastating.
I do a really good job of appearing to be normal so most people who know me would not think that I have an issue with alcohol. The only person(s) who might think that I do are my bf, a couple past bf's, and my best gf from grade school. My family is blessedly oblivious. I never drink around them anymore after one mortifying drinking moment (many years ago).
Today my plan was to go into camh and see what can be done to help me in my current state, and I'm proud to say that I did in fact do that today. Sadly I found the person there to be particularly unhelpful. I was handed a stack of 4 papers and told to have my doctor fill out a referral. I fought with myself from 630 am until after 12 noon to get motivated to go and do this. I called 3 different alcohol addiction centers and got 2 voice mails and one automated message that would not accept a message.
I'm presently feeling pretty discouraged, but still going to move forward with my plan. I live in Toronto, Canada's biggest city and the city with the most and best doctors in the country, if there is anywhere in the country where a person like me can be helped it's right here. I think for right now because I'm a really high functioning problem drinker (wishful thinking maybe?), I should maybe consider working on one problem at a time.
First I need to get moved. My current housing situation sucks, but I find it hard to do everything I need to do all at once including: leaving my bf, moving, finding a place, finding an additional job to support myself alone (or finding a new partner who wants to support me), all while keeping my current job and maintaining my health and quitting drinking.
My drinking problem is only a problem if I START drinking, and even then it only tends to be a serious issue if I'm outside of the house alone. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but if I go to a bar to drink (by myself) I'll drink till I black out 9 times out of ten(more than 16 beer), At home 9 times out of ten I'll have only a few beer in a sitting(under 10 beer). If my mother or another family member calls me I tend to drink more heavily, if I was already drinking when they called. Some nights i'll drink no beer at all .. (maybe twice a week, usually on a weekend)
I think deep inside I still want to believe I can do this myself.
Once I get into my own place I will be buying some grocery store beer (cause I LOOOOVE beer for its flavour) and will try to party like I do now without the alcohol. But living where I am now I'm having trouble with the bf, he is 100% non-supportive of me making any positive changes in my life or his. he wont even let me buy 'light' foods (even though we're both put on 40+ lb since getting together)... I need to get out of here before I can make much of a change.
Thanks for your support, I look forward to hearing more about you and your experiences as well :)
