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Posts created by Jessica30

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

I?m making progress

Hello groupies :)

Today I got a plan in motion. I'm registered for a woman's outpatient program which begins Tuesday. The wheels are in motion to get me moved into a supportive living building with other similar women (with some helpful restrictions on over night guests and alcohol etc). I hope that these restrictions will give me the time I need to focus on my own behaviour and my own emotional health in order to fully recover, or at least become strong enough to sustain regular life. And I'm happy to report that I'm on my 3rd day sober again.....

I know 3 days does not sound like much, but after the week i had, partying downtown over the weekend, and perhaps over celebrating with alcohol and drugs, I'm glad that the relapse was not as bad as it could have been. Strangely I was hit on by a woman in a bar during Pride weekend... and her pick up line was... ' wanna do a line?' ... so I promptly asked her if that ever actually works... then proceeded to do the drugs... I'm sure my brain was just soft from all the bud light limes/canadians/keiths I had in me at that stage .. I'm not proud of my behaviour, but I have learned that it is clearly too soon for me to go out to bars with people who are drinking (ie my bf) and expect to not bend under the pressure to drink.

I'm presently sitting at home enjoying one of those 'crystal light' margarita flavoured drinks, and contemplating busting into the non alcoholic wine in the fridge. Sadly my bf did bring home some coolers and a case of beer which I am trying to discreetly avoid. Getting healthy would be and will be so much easier when I'm on my own. Looking forward to it. He is just soooo oblivious to my struggle. He is so self involved that I think I could probably be drowning in a beer can and he would not see it happening... It is frustrating in a very big way, but the more I see this and the more I recognize that he is NOT with me in my struggle, the easier it is to see myself doing it successfully on my own.

I know this looks like a lot of whining, but I'm truly viewing this as a victory because although I did a bunch of stupid crap, I learned a lot of important lessons and made some great progress toward getting the professional help that I'm convinced I will need in order to recover.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

Ug.

On wednesday morning I deleted my facebook account for similar reasons. That and, well, I think it's time for me to work on my real life rather than the imaginary internet life that I found myself maintaining just to make others happy. My mother who is 3000 miles away likes to keep track of me on facebook, that thought alone is enough to drive me to drink. within 20 minutes of deleting my account my cell phone rang 8 times. I turned it off.

I'm fairly sure that anyone who calls me to see why I'm not on facebook is really only interested in hearing some drama story about some internet psycho stalker freak who hacked my account.. blah blah blah... None of them would be interested to know that I'm concentrating on fixing my personal/real life and that I'm entering a rehab program and commiting to getting well and having a normal-esque healthy life...

How many people on your facebook friends list would visit you in a rehab once you could have guests? how many of your friends would you be comfortable admitting your problems in front of? Those are your real friends... not the plastic people on facebook who click like no matter what you post or tell you how awesome your pictures are when you know you just got out of bed..

Sorry for ranting...

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

Negative Core Beliefs Part II

I suspect the bulk of my negative core beliefs stem from the early loss of my father through divorce, and then the neglect and disrespect suffered by my mother as a result of her drug use.

I know that a lot of my negative thoughts revolve around fear and anxiety about not being accepted or being judged harshly for being 'different' from others.

I have mostly abolished traditional 'negative thoughts' such as .. 'they won't like me' and 'I wont fit in' etc by hardening my feelings and preemptively deciding not to take part in activities or not be allow people to really know me to avoid possible disappointment or rejection. sadly.. these walls I build up to protect myself from shame, and disapproval tend to come crumbling down when I'm drinking and I tend to be extremely way too honest resulting in a lot of drama when I sober up... All the more reason for me to never ever drink...

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

New to this site

My saturday was good.

my bf as per usual was oblivious to the fact that I had not had a drink in nearly a week and suggested we have lunch at a bar! (MORON!!) .. He had 6 drinks; I suggested that I should refrain from drinking so that I could drive him to a party he was attending for his brothers birthday. After a great deal of pressure I caved in and had one beer, but that was it, only one.

On a brighter note I got a call today from one of the women only alcohol free buildings I applied to. Right after my first session at the womens support group on Tuesday I'm interviewing for a unit in the supportive housing building. I'm starting to get both excited and nervous about the future that seems to be coming so quickly.

Looking forward to new and exciting adventures :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

I?m making progress

The lessons I have learned include but as not limited to the following:

-I will need ongoing support and professional therapy to remain sober, and resolve the underlying issues which lead me to abuse substances.

-With the right people and the right knowledge behind me I can learn to fill my time and my life with people and activities that do NOT include substances of any kind

-I cannot allow myself to be in the company of others drinkers while they are drinking because on my own I am not strong enough to say now at this stage

These lessons will help me to get into the right situations while avoiding situations that could potentially be harmful to my cause. Tonight I'm home alone drinking non-alcohol beer I picked up with dinner at the supermarket. I thought I might have a beer with my bf over dinner, but he has decided to go out to buy drugs.... I expect him home sometime after 9 pm, likely wasted....

Aside from that stupidity... I'm REALLY excited about my orientation tomorrow morning at the Womens Program I applied to, and following that I'm interviewing for that Sober Living apartment complex I applied to. Then off to work, ... I have to be done and across town by 5 pm to pick him up from work so he doesn't figure out any of my plans... (he still does not know I'm getting sober or that I'm planning to leave ASAP... I thought it was safer to not rock the boat... )

I hope everyone else is having a Super Fantastic Day... :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

once more

Hi Mary!!

I read your reply there and it made me think of things I do sometimes to help me not drink. When I'm driving my car I never ever have any alcohol, it's a hard fast rule with me. So I offer to be the DD all the time, gives me a reason to still go out and party, but to also stay sober...

If you think you might have trouble limiting your drinking, it can sometimes help to let other know you are the DD, then if they see you drinking, or maybe drinking a bit more than you ought to, they might be more likely to remind you that you ar driving, and that might help you to regain control.

:) Good Luck

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

It?s Summer Now, Time to Move Forward!

As an addition to this comment Summer is a great time to make a healthy lifestyle change for many reasons.

The weather is great so you can get outside and do things that make you happy while making the most of the short summer season.

It's easier to talk your friends and family into going out for a walk or enjoying outdoor festivals etc.

If you are quitting drinking you are probably looking for something else to do with all of those hours you used to spend drunk or getting drunk right? Why not play organized sports? or join a league of some type. or take up running or swimming or something else.

With all of your saved booze money you'll be able to pay to join a team or maybe the Y or whatever..

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

New to this site

Turquoise ... that is some awesome advice .. :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

A super frustrating day!

my morning started off on the wrong foot entirely!

I had the orientation for the out patient rehab program today... Sadly the CAMH offices here in Toronto just moved so everything is in upheaval .. There were 20 of us in a tiny room listening to a woman who hardly speaks English who simply explained in detail exactly what it said on the questionnaire we were filling out ... ... Lady.. we have addiction problems... we aren't stupid!!!!...

In any event when that was done all 20 of us had to wait in a rudimentary line to make an appointment with one other person for a later date... The whole thing was like a three ring circus I could hardly believe what I was seeing... In the end i guess it's a government thing... and we all know the government ... this is how we roll...

The appointment in regards to the housing thing was okay.. the girl kept on about 'do you think you'll be able to pay the rent? ... do you think paying the rent will be a problem? ... how are you going to manage the rent? .. after it was all said and done they were not going to allow me a coffee maker, no AC, and no internet... so yeah .. it's REALLY not for me ... I guess I'm staying here with the bf a little longer than I planned ... It seems addiction/supportive services are mostly designed for people who are buried so deeply in their addictions that they cannot work and are homeless or close to it ... all of the options offered to me are basically one step away from homelessness, and do not allow any services for people who are trying to change their lives...

Although I'm disappointed with the outcome of both experiences I'm still sure something will come together and i'll find a way out of all of this crap...

Head up and eyes forward...

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 61

New to this site

I'm really annoyed but I'm convinced I will come out on top... I have an unusual amount of drive and I'm sure that will keep me moving forward; after all, I still have an appointment with my brand new doctor this week, so maybe I can talk to her and she might have some other ideas for me :)

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