This is such a wonderful thread. I am, of course, experiencing so many emotions and the major one is anger, then irritation. I am not having much luck with tuning into my softer side. Evidently I don't have one right now. Verbal altercations with my mostly loving husband who is currently cutting me no slack and being a pill. Well, ok, I'm super sensitive as well as irritated and angry, but I think in all reality I am depressed and trying not to let it get to me. I don't mean clinically depressed, but sad and feeling loss for something that has been in my life since age 12. That's 45 years, and I don't know how to be an adult without that crutch. I am feeling lost and empty and scared. Well, that sounds melodramatic and I'm not really so bad, because I can still laugh at myself, but still, the feelings are there. I feel like I could cry but don't, because I, like Aloha, don't normally cry about much of anything. Except, this is the 31st anniversary of my 1st husband's death. Now, you would think that 31 years would be long enough to let it go, but for some reason my quit is all tangled up in loss and sadness, so of course I am experiencing this damn loss more keenly. I was 26 when he died, and he has now been gone for longer than I was alive when he died. Such a strange thought. I am having a terrible time not just saying screw it and getting a pack. It's very hard and I don't really know what to do to stop myself. And this is not my first BBQ, either. I did 5 months once, about 4 years ago. One puff led to 4 more years of addiction, so I KNOW that's not the answer. I guess I just need a little help. Which is also something I don't ordinarily do. Enough rambling, I actually do feel better after reading this thread, even though it goes back to 2006 and has people I don't know, it still helps to know I am not alone in this. DeniseK
