I realize it's quite an accomplishment for me because a year ago I wouldn't have imagined myself at this stage. I still am very anxious about getting back into "society" when I have been sheltered for so long.
My anxiety has left me unable to work since Jan/07, you see my work was my life. I now see myself only as a person with Panic, GAD disorder and depression, not a whole person. My disorders have become my life I'm sorry to say & I constantly beat myself up for not being able to work like other people. I see myself as defective in some way & it's as if I don't know how to think any other way except negative and frightening the wits out of myself.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to my first course at George Brown College and I'm terrified. I woke up this morning with all sorts of thoughts going through my head (some making no sense at all & that frightened me). I am terrified of maybe having a panic attack, maybe I can't handle it, I will be away from home, what if I'm a failure, all the crowds, how am I going to handle going on the streetcar again at rush hour? All these negative thoughts bombarding me and I don't know how to stop them. I feel as if I am going to go crazy!
I was supposed to meet with a friend for lunch last week and called at the last minute to cancel it because I thought I couldn't handle all the crowds at lunchtime.
Josie I understand what you are saying that in the long run we are doing ourselves more harm than good, but trying to overcome these situations initially brings on the anxiety. It's not an easy process, I know from my desensetization phase of my panic disorder last year. Confronting my fears terrified me but I knew there was no other way to conquer them.
I think the anticipatory anxiety is sometimes worse than the actual event we are avoiding but it's a spiral I am still caught up in.
Congratulations on your success and for your advice. I will try to take it one moment at a time as I know that this course will be the best thing for me right now.
I like your outlook & what you said "They do not define who you are. They are aspects of your
personality they are not your entirety." You have made me think about how I look at it, you see I try to fight it tooth and nail. I know it only makes matters worse but I don't know how to accept that this is part of my life now whether I like it or not.
It has made me look at myself & realize that I can go to all the psychotherapists around but ultimately I am the only one who can change me for the better. You see I have been such a negative person for so long that I don't know how to be any other way. I actually had 4 not so bad days last week & it felt very strange feeling better. Funny eh?
We it's the day of the course 8.04 am here in Toronto & I am terrified of going to the course. I can't breathe right and I am trying to ward off a panic attack.
It's so easy to whip myself into a frenzy of negative thoughts but not easy to look at the positive side. I know there is one but my thoughts can only dwell on the negative. I wish I never would have got this thing.
Things that are normal to other people are a struggle to me to the point I don't know if I can handle going. I will try my best because I know if I don't I will feel like a failure & that could lead to more depression.
My first class was from 9.30am to 10.30am & then I was to go to pick up my schedule at 11am. This was according to the co-ordinator that called me last week, so I thought that that was my day finished at 11am. So I went with the thought that I would be leaving at 11, well the teacher handed us our schedules in the class. I couldn't believe it my classes finished at 3pm. I felt trapped, couldn't breathe right, my heart and mind were racing. I told the teacher I must have misunderstood what was said, but couldn't go to the next class I had to leave and go home.
I was so upset & felt like a failure for leaving and knew that I had to go back for my next class at 1pm, so I did.
Now sitting at home my mind is racing again, what if I can't handle this? One thought that is really bothering me is because I fell in love with my psychotherapist because of the way he spoke to me & we got on so well. He said one say about having a wife and kids and I fell into a severe depression that lasted for 6 months. The thought that came to mind was what if I fall for the teacher and fall into depression again? I told my mum about this & she said I floored her. She said if I let this happen I am on my own this time & couldn't believe I would even think this. To tell you the truth I can't believe I thought this either, she said to not go back to the course.
I feel like I'm going to go crazy, I know I have got my mum wondering about me. To tell you the truth I am too. I told her if this happens again I wouldn't be around because I couldn't take it. It's not as if I have fallen for the teacher but just thinking this thought really bothers me.
Thanks for your comforting words. It's not as if I feel I will fall in love with my teacher but more the "what if". He's a good looking guy and very nice you are probably right about my feelings being confused.
I honestly don't know where the thought came from and that frightens me. I was even thinking of not going to class tomorrow because of the thought. These negative thoughts are so powerful for me. I try to analyze where they come from and why I think them & it only frightens me more when I can't come up with a reason.
The thought is coming from the feelings I had for my psychotherapist and wondering what if this could happen again. I am associating what happened in the past with my situation now.
I don't really feel any better about what you said about there is nothing wrong with having these thoughts because I feel there is. Just the thought that I would even think about falling for a teacher and depression just makes me very sad and I feel I am beyond help.
Sorry I'm posting to this thread a little late but just wanted to add my 2 cents. Although I wasn't on meds for my depression I do know of a person who is on them.
My friend said 2 years ago she wouldn't have dreamed she would be at the point she is today & she credits it all to her meds. She is on Zoloft for her depression and is now working as an ESL teacher, has her confidence back big time.
I really hope the meds work for your wife as I know from first hand experience how debilitating depression can be.
It’s been a while since you were active on this site. Please extend your session below
You have been logged out due to inactivity.
Please sign back in.
We use cookies to help us learn about how our platform is used and how we can improve your experience. To
learn more please see our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use.
