New to the site...

Hi beautiful If we look, we can always find people to compare ourselves with, but that doesn't mean that the things we suffer aren't very real and very important to us and the people who care about us. Go to your doctor and see what he/she says. In the meantime, you've made a great start by signing up here. As to your boyfriend -- I could say that if he doesn't accept all of who you are then he doesn't deserve all of who you are but, while true, it may not be very helpful to you right now. You don't actually have to give him the whole picture at this very moment -- you've been hiding your moods for awhile, and it may be an idea to continue to hide them at least until you've seen your doctor. Once you know more about what you are facing, you can introduce him to the whole you when you are ready. One of the thousands of pieces of advice that I picked up trying to learn more about my anxiety/depression and how to deal with it said "Hang out with happy people". It sounded inane at the time I read it, but there are downsides to being with a guy who understands you because he's right down in the pit of despair with you. So, take a deep breath to steady that whirlwind in your head and know that you're not alone. Take care, Confused

letting go of anger

Does anyone else have difficulty letting go of anger? I'm angry with my brother for not helping me out with a small favour, and I am still stewing about it 3 months later. Granted, he had no idea how difficult it was for me to ask for help, and the only reason that I did was that my mother was pushing me to come out with her -- she'd bought us tickets to the theatre. He lives close by, so I asked if he could pick my daughter up from her evening lesson and drop her off at home. 10-15 minutes it would have taken him, and he said no. Not even the sensitivity to at least say he had another commitment, just no. I don't even know if I'm right in being angry with him. It goes completely against my values to not help someone out if I can, especially family. He has a principle against babysitting anyone else's children -- he and my sister-in-law have 2 boys of their own who are quite a handful. I may not agree with his principles, and he may not support my values -- I just wish that I could let it go at that. This isn't the only situation that I'm stewing about. I don't get angry easily, but this is number 4 over the past 5 or 6 years that I just don't seem to be able to release. All situations where I feel unfairly treated, and where there is nothing that I can reasonably do about it. I could talk to my brother, yes, but at the moment, I'm afraid that I'll cry and then he'll just dismiss me for over-reacting. (I haven't told my brothers about my depression. I've told my mother and my sister, and even they are having difficulty understanding why I can't just perk up and get on with things. My brothers would never understand, and would think less of me for being weak-willed.) I'm trying to learn to be more assertive so that I can handle future situations better, but in the meantime, I hate this ruminating resentment and bitterness. And is it assertiveness that I need for this? Or am I truly blowing things out of proportion? Confused Confused

Is This Normal?

Hi LilahRose I think it's very normal to be frustrated by events/situations that are out of our control. Whether or not we're controlled by them or whether or not we feel powerless and more depressed when faced with them is supposedly up to us. It's the Thoughts-Feelings-Behaviours cycle/spiral. Even when people aren't struggling with depression, it's easy to get caught up or even obsessed by things we can't control or change. School had me in a terrible state. High school was okay, but university -- I felt completely trapped and powerless because I believed that I had to get a good degree in an area that would lead me into a good career and if I didn't then I would be doomed. I believed so strongly that I had no control that I kept my head down, worked my butt off, and developed an eating disorder because I became obsessed with the little piece of control I found in the bathroom scales. Some things truly are outside of our control, like the weather, idiotic politicians, and other people's behaviour, and those things we somehow have to let go of worrying about. Sometimes we create our own powerlessness. Depression doesn't help -- it makes it more difficult, I think, for us to see the choices available to us. Or to act on those choices. Take care Confused (I have to say, LilahRose, that I think you are an incredibly courageous person. Through all your misery and pain, you were able to decide what course of action was best for you and your children and then to carry out that achingly difficult decision. And here you are, working to get yourself better. I don't know if you have anyone around you who is pointing this out to you, so I thought I'd just let you know that I am in awe. I don't even know you, but I know that your children are very, very lucky to have you.)

There's so many of us...but looks like we're all alone; even here!

Strange, isn't it? I don't find this site lonely, and it's so much easier for me to write here than in a journal. I read a lot of the posts, though I'll only reply if I feel that I have something helpful to add or if something strikes a chord. I guess I'm a little unsure how much of a response is appropriate -- there isn't a great deal of participation in the discussions and I feel self-conscious when too many of the posts have my name on them. I like the anonymity, but the shortage of feedback makes me uncomfortable. Wow -- not much of a low-self-esteem people-pleaser, am I? :)

new- my story

Hi mugs After years of putting my (now ex)husband's needs, feelings and happiness before mine for reasons that always seemed valid at the time, I vowed to myself that I would start and live my next relationship "as I meant to continue it". Giving love and support and not receiving much of it back isn't sustainable -- you burn out. That's not to say that there aren't times when one person will need to give more to help the other through a tough time, but that sensitivity should be acknowledged and appreciated. You're not worthless, and don't ever give in to pressure to believe that you are. That your boyfriend chose to marry and have children with a woman who wasn't right for him and they now have to suffer the aftermath is sad but does not in any way mean that he deserves love and support more than you do. That you give him this anyway should be a fact that he cherishes. Welcome. I don't know that this site will give you any answers, but I think that it will help you to clarify what you already know within yourself. Value your feelings and trust yourself.

New here

Hi unchained_soul -- I don't have a particularly bad past either, and I used to beat myself up for being depressed for apparently no reason. Strangely enough, that didn't help me to get any better :) Everything is relative, and when you deny or suppress your real feelings they can bubble away inside and start to seep out in negative and destructive behaviours, I've found. This site is helping me a lot -- I hope it helps you too. Good luck :)

Help for the one helping...

Hi Westmaple It's tough to watch someone you care about suffer, especially when she won't accept any benefit that your support and experience could give her. My brother, usually so capable and in control, is in an overwhelmingly difficult situation that has been tearing him apart for months. I can see him spiraling downward, but, like your girlfriend, he internalizes everything and won't admit that he's struggling. I'm sure that I could help him if he'd let me, but I'm also sure that if I offer support one more time it will hurt our relationship. Doing nothing is really hard, but their journeys are their own, not ours. I think that all we can do is to hope that they get through without crashing, and to be there for them if and when they come to us. I also think it's great that you're here -- it's helping me in particular with not taking my brother's rejection personally, and with letting go of things I can't control. It may seem selfish, but focusing on yourself and your emotional strength is really important. As you say, at bare minimum it will distract you from worrying about your girlfriend, but keep in mind the airplane emergency guidelines as well: if the oxygen masks drop, put your own on first so that you're better able to help those around you.

another hello - new member

Hi banjogal I can't imagine being in your shoes. I (and probably many people here) perform the "happy person coping ably with life" role most days to avoid that blank look you mentioned, but I don't think that puts me in your boat (or even on your lake) so I'm not sure how much wisdom I can offer you. Just make sure that you make time to look after yourself. Your world and your life events sound so emotionally taxing that I'm surprised you're still functioning -- recognize this and be good to yourself. And talk, write, scream or whatever gets your feelings outside of you. If the public aspect of your work makes this difficult, you've found a safe and supportive group here. I'm not a huge fan of medication, but many people find it helps immensely, so if you've never talked to your doctor about how you're feeling it would probably be a good idea to do that. He/she may be able to refer you to a therapist, as well. Good luck

apologizing/contagious depression

Hi oldblue Are you Canadian? I've heard that apologizing all the time is a Canadian trait :) Someone steps on my toe or bumps into me and I apologize. I didn't even realize I did it until it was pointed out to me, and I don't think I did it because I actually felt sorry -- it was just something to say. Since my depression, I do apologize more and with feeling ("I'm sorry -- I should have anticipated that you were coming into this space and got out of your way before you had to bump into me and step on my toe" sort of thing), and I'm working on overcoming the belief that everyone else is worthier and more important than I am. I do wonder, though, whether or not my habit of apology doesn't create a bit of a spiral in itself. If I toss off an "oh, sorry" for no reason except as something to say, I hear myself say it now and beat myself up for being wimpy, which then erodes my self-esteem further, if that makes any sense. Either way, I hear you, oldblue. I'm curious -- do you only over-apologize in your relationship or is it more widespread as it is for me? Catching myself and biting my tongue before I apologize has been something I've been practicing for awhile now, and I'm getting better at it I'm pleased to say :) I agree with you about emotions -- I think there are positive and negative ones. I don't think that there are right or wrong emotions, though. Emotions just are... we feel them and they're not right or wrong -- it's the behaviours we choose to use to express our emotions that can be right or wrong, I believe, as well as positive and negative. To have both you and your boyfriend monitoring your moods sounds a bit onerous -- no wonder you're sick of it. Okay, here's a question: is it wrong or unhelpful in the long run to lie and say you're feeling reasonably good? I do this because I'm also sick of feeling down, and I sometimes even believe myself, but are there downsides to it? I think I must have been an ostrich in an earlier life because there are times when I really do believe that when I bury my head in the sand my problems cease to exist. Granted, the "lie" word is a tricky one in an open and honest relationship, so what if your response to his "how are you feeling" was, every once in a while, "I love you for asking but I don'

Why does negative self talk feel comforting?

Hi Ava Good to hear from you, regardless of when :) When you said old friends, it made me think of inner family, archetypes, etc. Different models with similar concepts. Something like: the soundtracks are defenses we've created to make ourselves feel better after some critical incident in our past and protect ourselves and our inner child. Most people have a inner critic and there are some other common ones like perfectionist, adult, victim and people-pleaser. In being defenses, they are aspects of our selves that really do want the best for us but they can get a bit twisted over time, if that makes any sense. As I said, there are lots of different ways of looking at it, but I've found this framework (as well as Caroline Myss' Archetypes) to help me get my head around the positive/negative aspects of my thoughts and scripts. And my inner family is me, so I can't just get rid of them. Just untwist them a bit, and learn how to respond to their scripts more positively. How do you feel or what's your self-image like after comforting yourself with those thoughts? I guess what I'm wondering about is the downside of adjusting to that reality.