here's hoping i can make a difference

Hi nelliek Welcome, and thank you for your post! I've been feeling like a bad mother because I'm really fighting short-temper and irritability with my children, but I've also been tapering off my medication. I have fleeting thoughts of sending them to live with their father or out on the street to fend for themselves because they've left a dirty dish on the counter, or a backpack spilling out in the middle of the hall, so thank you for bringing some perspective back. It feels somewhat easier to cope when I remember that it's the chemicals in my brain, not my children, that are causing me to feel so prickly, and that it's my choice to taper off the drug. And remind myself to do the things that naturally stimulate my feel-good chemicals, like meditation or getting outside to garden. Perhaps if you talk to your boyfriend about the effects of the medication, he'll be less likely to take your irritability personally and more likely to give you the support and understanding you need to get through this transition. Good luck, with lots of empathy...

how do I help my children?

I've come so far. 7 years ago, I took my daughters and left my 9 year marriage to a narcissistic and emotionally abusive man. It’s been a long journey – 10 years since I first went to my doctor for help, and only the past couple of years when I learned more about the concepts of the inner critic, self-talk, CBT that I’ve actually made any progress. The past year, working with this program, I’ve been able to identify core beliefs that I didn’t even realize I held, and I’m finally beginning to be able to change the thoughts and behaviours that are creating and keeping me in this depression. I still have to interact with my ex because of our children. He takes them every other weekend, and they adore him. We are civil, and I’ve been good at not bad-mouthing him in front of the girls, though I’ve kept an eye out for negative impacts that he may be having on them. For example, when my slim eldest daughter started saying that she was fat, I managed to pull from her that her father had been teasing her about having a “belly”, so I had a careful conversation with her about how her dad, as wonderful as he is, has a tendency to criticize others for things that he dislikes about himself. We talked about this being his issue and nothing to do with her, so she had every right to throw these little “jokes” right back at him. There have been a few instances like this with both girls, and I’ve chosen to address them by equipping the girls with ways to deal rather than to address it directly with him, as he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour. I don’t know if that’s a cop-out on my part, but the power of emotional abuse is that it really just comes down to my word against his, and I don’t suppose that I would have suffered as I did if I were able to confront him effectively. Things had been going pretty well – the girls are wonderful, happy, confident, and doing well in school and friendships. My younger one less so, perhaps, than my older daughter, but they’re 12 and 14 – sensitive times and a challenge to the confidence of even the most well-adjusted kids. But when their father came to pick them up for his week of the holidays a few days ago, my younger daughter was beside herself because she wasn’t ready when he arrived. She couldn’t find a pair of jeans that I’d just brought up from the laundry that morning, and she was literally tearing her room apart and sobbing that her dad was going to be so angry with her. I was transported back 10 years. Although I helped my daughter find the jeans (her sister had packed them by mistake), calmed her, and saw them both off with my love, I’m not recovering very well. He’s hurting them, and I don’t know how to stop it. The memories and feelings came flooding back over me – the desolation of when I’d finally run out of excuses for his behaviour. My next step then was to confront him and enter into 2 years of conflict and misery before finally ending the marriage. I don’t know what my next steps are now – I feel my daughter’s pain so strongly, and feel as though I’ve failed them. I’m the grown-up, and I’m supposed to protect them. Ok, if I put on what I have learned, I suppose that I’m catastrophizing. I’m forgetting all the good things that I’ve done – all the work I’ve done to prepare my children to deal with their father. This is a problem, not a catastrophe, and I can problem-solve my way through it. One of those problems were there is no absolute right answer, and I’m just going to have to trust my instinct. The problem is that I don’t trust my instinct here. Supposedly, children do best when they have access to both parents, but because of my experience with him, I don’t believe that he is good for them. I’m going back and forth and in the meantime am sinking down into my depression again. He’s such a horrible person, but I have nothing to prove it. My daughters are suffering and I can’t help them.

how do I help my children?

Thanks, Daily Llama, for your encouraging response. The beacon that has kept me moving forward with all this has been that the girls would some day see him for who he is -- I just really wanted this to happen before he did much damage, and I'm so afraid, seeing my daughter in that state, that the damage has been done. My instinct now is to open up with the girls more than I have done to date and talk to them about the tactics their father uses to bully and manipulate. Tell them that I'd hoped that he wouldn't use these tactics on them, but that it appears that he has been. That he loves them as much as he is capable of loving anyone outside of himself, and that he will not stop loving them if they refuse to be bullied or manipulated. That even if he looks at them with disgust and loathing, that's just another tactic and he'll get over it. But are they too young to hear this? Is this something that they have to figure out for themselves? Is it better for me to just continue to be there for them and give them lots of love and support? Just because I've chosen to take the high road in my behaviour doesn't mean that I don't have vengeful, spiteful feelings toward him, and I'm not sure whether or not my desire to protect my children is being tainted by these -- particularly now, as that episode was such a strong flashback for me. You're right as well that I need to keep on looking after myself -- I can't let this, let him, undo all the work I've done. And rather than berate myself for falling over the past few days, be proud of myself for taking the actions I have to stand up again. Thanks again.

how do I help my children?

What is SsIL?

Domestic Abuse - The Aftermath...

Hi Lovelybones I was so sorry to read your post and what a horrible experience you and your daughters have had to go through. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage as well, though thankfully with no sexual abuse. I stayed for 9 years as well, and left when our daughters were 4 and 6. The thing about emotional abuse is that it's often subtle. My ex is handsome, intelligent, charming and well-respected in his field of work -- what more could a woman ask for? I made excuses to myself for his bad temper, believing that no relationship is perfect and that he'd be happier once.... (fill in the blank). In the meantime, he slowly isolated me from friends, family and outside support. We moved around a fair bit, as he tried to find a place of work that he liked, and every time we bought a new house, he'd insist that we only paint the walls in off-white, because that's the best for selling. He was out-rightly rude to any friends that I made, so I stopped inviting people over. He didn't want me going out places without him, as he couldn't be expected to look after the children on his own -- if I put my foot down and made plans, he'd pick a fight just as I was going out so more often than not I'd call and cancel because I was in tears. When I finally left, it wasn't for myself, but for my daughters -- I didn't want them growing up believing that this was a normal way of treating people or to be treated. If we didn't have children, I would very probably still be in that marriage -- a silent mouse, treading around my life very carefully with my only goal being not to upset my husband. Psychologists should know this -- even partners who are being physically abused and so have tangible evidence of the abuse often stay and make excuses. With emotional abuse, we bury the damage and the scars and can go for a long time pretending that it's not happening while nobody around us suspects a thing. It's been 7 years now since I left, and only a couple since I realized that I'd been abused. I'd been struggling with anxiety and depression for 10 years or more, and medications didn't seem to be helping much. I'd moved back to my home town with my daughters and had found a good job -- things seemed fine. But I wasn't doing my job very well, as I second-guessed everything I said or did. I deferred to the men in the firm, even if I knew that I was right. It took me forever to even write a simple email, because I was so concerned with getting the wording exactly right, so that nobody would be upset or misunderstand. I was so angry with myself for this -- frustrated at not being able to do things that in an earlier life had been so easy. I was exhausted -- I was driving 2 hours there and 2 hours back twice every other weekend so that the girls could have a weekend with their dad, and he wouldn't be so all alone; I was always running, it seemed, between the office and the before-and-after-school care, often late and paying the $1/minute fine. I was bringing work home because it took me so long to do it. My father had had a stroke, and my mother needed a fair amount of support to look after him, particularly once his dementia set in and the deterioration accelerated. I was exhausted and spiraling out of control. The straw that broke me came nearly 3 years ago -- I walked out of my job and haven't really done any work since, as I couldn't get past the belief that I'm lazy and unreliable. Dad continued down his hill and passed away about 6 months later, which threw me into a pit of grief from which there seemed to be no way out. So I've been working my way out of the pit for 2 years, and the CBT that has really helped. In particular the core belief work and looking for evidence. That I'm dull and uninteresting, lazy and incompetent, insensitive and unreliable -- the evidence actually supports the opposite. Going out and testing the

how do I help my children?

Thanks, Brenna, for the support and the advice. That's a more moderate approach, and you're right that it's better to ask than to tell. I'm feeling somewhat steadier, thank you.

how do I help my children?

There you go -- learn something new everyday! My ex is actually an only child (there's a whole nuther conversation). My family... is very loving and caring and very 1950's conservative. Overt displays of emotion are discouraged. Divorce is indicative of a flawed character. Depression also. My mother is really trying to be supportive, bless her heart, but she's so obviously uncomfortable that I don't talk to her much about what I've been going through. My siblings are busy with their own lives. Funny, my sisters-in-law are a bit Stepford-like, but they're all good people -- just uncomfortable with emotions.

new to this.

Hi just-a-bill, and welcome. Punching bag sounds like a good description of you at the moment, though perhaps not stupid. Stress, exhaustion, depression, can impair judgment, concentration, memory, reflexes, so we're a lot more prone to accidents. Just what we need when we're already so low, but it's not stupidity. Not that mine's been much help, but have you talked to your doctor? I've found this site helpful -- hopefully you will too. As Daily Llama said, the forum's a safe place to open up and share what you're going through with people who are in a similar space. Write whatever comes to you -- there's no right or wrong. Be kind to yourself, and good luck.

A Newbie

Your brain's way of coping, perhaps? I went through a period like that a few years ago -- I was re-establishing myself and my children after leaving a nasty marriage, and I was helping my mother care for my sick father. I needed to be the strong and steady one for my mother and my daughters, and I did it by disconnecting from my emotions. Not consciously, and I didn't really notice it until the cracks started to appear. What is it that you don't want to feel? You say that your life now is good -- is there something from your younger days that you haven't dealt with? Strong emotions that are repressed for very long can create all sorts of trouble, as I've found :| Can you enlist your family's support in keeping on track with this program? A family activity -- even if they're not depressed, it's not a bad thing to be aware of our self-talk :) Good luck

A Newbie

Leaving the past in the past is a very good thing to do, unless it's creating problems for you in the present. There are so many different things that can lead to depression -- as Daily Llama says, it could simply be wonky brain chemistry, and once you find the right medication you'll be fine, but childhood trauma is not an uncommon cause. If there seems to be no current reason for your depression and there's been a trauma in your past, it's probably worth doing some dredging to see if there's a link. When I left my marriage, I didn't realize the impact on me of 9 years of verbal and emotional abuse. Ok, looking back now it's obvious that not many people could walk away from that unscathed, but at the time I was just focussed on moving forward and minimizing the impact of the divorce on my children. Long story short: we were living in Austrailia, I moved back to Canada with my kids, found a good job, bought a house, settled the kids into school and neighbourhood, and never really talked about my marriage or what I'd been through. It was in the past -- over and done with, as you said. I believe that everything happens for a reason, however, and I think that the powers-that-be felt that I hadn't taken the learnings that I was supposed to take away from that experience, so they started heaping on the stressors until eventually I cracked and then had no choice but to go back and heal my old wounds. I suppose that if, say, my father hadn't taken ill and passed away, or some of the other stressors hadn't happened, I could have kept going the way that I was, but it really wasn't a life. More like an automaton, or the Energizer bunny. I'm still healing, and still learning, but I'm feeling again which is... well, ok, it's still a little raw and tender, but I'm rediscovering my authentic identity -- if that makes any sense. Maybe your trauma and your depression aren't connected, but I think that it would be a good idea to find an experienced therapist to help you check. And keep writing. It's as helpful to be supportive as it is to get support on this site, and we can all learn from one another's experiences. Take care.