Hello

Oh Katy -- I feel for you. My ex was/is emotionally and mentally abusive also. Was for me, and I am still trying to minimize the damage he does to our daughters. He has never acknowledged that he has any issues, and is either irate or suicidal if I suggest that he... I don't even know what words to choose, and I know that you know what I mean. You're here, Katy, so you are strong enough to not completely lose yourself to your situation. Do you spend a lot of your time and energy searching for the words and tone that will communicate what you want to say without triggering his anger? Not that it makes any difference, though, because what is acceptable one day is not the next. You end up questioning your words, your thinking, your values, your worth. And when you have children... What do you want to happen, Katy? You know, don't you, that he's not going to change unless he wants to? Nobody will -- and that abject apology and remorse after he's really hurt you doesn't count as an indicator that he wants to change! Who matter the most are you and your son. Your partner may love you to the full extent of his ability to love, but it still has to be right for you and your son. Janice

Is Anyone Out There?

Thank you, Danielle. I feel as though I'm spewing nonsense half the time. Hey, does that work like the glass half full? That if I'm spewing nonsense half the time, I'm spewing coherent intelligence half the time as well? Cool. Janice

Ready to Give Up

Thanks Danielle -- Have you found that the traditional medical community isn't terribly well-versed in alternative therapies? I'm a little uncertain as to where people on this website are from. I think that the website and facilitators are in Canada, is that right? But there are people from around the world accessing and contributing? I ask because I lived in Australia for 4 years and in the UK for 8 years, and found both places to be much more integrated in their approach to health than they are here in Canada. I'm not sure if this is a result of a couple of bad experiences for me, or if it is more widespread. What is your experience? Janice

Stupid question

Hi Grim Don't feel stupid -- I didn't really understand it either so just put down the 2 ends of my mood spectrum and put more specifics in the activity part. It doesn't really fit exactly, but I think that I'm getting the spirit of the exercise. Better thing would have been to ask, but asking for help is a skill I'm still trying to develop. So thank you for asking. :) Confused

Pleasant activities?

Hi I'm a mother of two also -- mine are girls just coming into their teens, and I've been fighting this depression for about eight years. Divorced near six years now. I can at least get out of the house on my own now that the girls are old enough to be on their own, but I still try to find pleasure in whatever I can. My own music and the newspaper on a weekend morning while the girls are watching cartoons. Lying shamelessly about the pace I'm going to keep or the weather forecast or something so that I can walk by myself in the sunshine. And that stuff that society tells us about our children watching too much tv? There's a big difference between parents who plop their kids in front of the tv because they can't be bothered to play with them and parents who do it so that they can get some recuperation time so that we won't be sobbing or screaming messes. When my girls were younger, and my mind seemed to be continually filled with concerns about whether or not I was going to make it to daycare on time, which extra-curricular classes were when, how I was going to get them to Brownies after school when I didn't get home from work until 6pm, had i read all the notes and notifications they had brought home... When I could and I remembered, I would stop and just be with them. That in itself can be a pleasant activity (until they start bickering again, but I take what I can get!) Janice

Hello...

Hi I struggle with this as well. I'm not sure that life is supposed to have meaning, though a lot of people have spent a lot of time telling us that it should. Are the little evolutionary differences like opposable thumbs enough reason to suggest that we should have a more meaningful life than the rest of the animal world? I think that what's meaningful is different for each of us, and we can create a lifestyle, to some extent, that is right for us and includes things that are important to us. If I think about my life on an day-to-day basis, though -- the weeks and months that go by where all I seem to have done is get up, go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed and then start over again, with household chores being thrown in liberally for lively entertainment -- it's a major downer. So I try not to look at it that way. The tools here have been helpful in getting me to notice and realize that I actually do quite a few fun and interesting things that get blackened out when I start to think bleakly about the mundane, necessity-of-living stuff. Take care Janice

CBT Buddies Instant Messenger - Does this work????

Hi Torstan I think that the Launch button is only on the main page of the discussion forums. Good luck

I MISS MY MAMMA

Hi Meena I lost my father about 18 months ago, and I've only just started to be able to accept condolences or even talk about him without tears coming. He was much older than your mom, and he'd been ill for awhile before he passed away, but we were very much alike. Because we were so alike, we didn't always get along, but he was the only person in my life who truly understood me. Not that I'm terribly complicated, but I never had to explain myself to him, we found the same sort of things interesting, we found the same sort of things funny... I still miss him a lot and feel very alone, but it's better than it was. I suppose the best advice I got was to let myself grieve however I needed to and for as long as I needed to. Part of me was trying to push myself through the grief -- "stiff upper lip" or "get on with life" sort of thing -- but the rest of me just wouldn't be pushed. Do you have people around you to support you? Janice

I dont know what it is...

Hi Caro I know what you mean when you talk about a lack of energy and poor concentration. Also, my memory is like a sieve and although I don't particularly feel sad, I would really just like to spend my life curled up in my bed. I don't know about you, but I have a very strong, very critical voice inside my head constantly berating me for not doing enough or not doing things well enough, calling me lazy or stupid for even thinking that _________ (fill in the blank: "anyone could really find me interesting" or "I could do something important without f***ing up" or "I could impress anyone with my work" and on and on). To say that it's demotivating is an understatement. Often I don't even hear the words, it's just a feeling of uselessness that comes over me and drains all my energy. I'm getting better, and that started with recognizing and naming my critical voice (his name is Charles -- now who's weird?!) and confronting him as being unhelpful. Standing up for myself, I guess. Similar to the Thought Records. I also take time in the evening to write down my accomplishments of the day, no matter how small. It felt a bit silly at first, writing things like "Had a shower and got dressed", or "Did a load of laundry", but they were more than I had done the day before. And instead of writing a long list of all the things I wanted to get done in a day, I choose one thing. As Danielle suggests, chunking things down into manageable pieces. Feeling like I accomplished something is motivating in itself, and gives me at least some ammunition when my critical voice starts in with "Another day over and you still haven't done a single thing! You're so useless!" I love the one pleasant activity per day part of this program -- I wasn't letting myself do fun things because I hadn't even done the necessary things yet. Now I have permission -- I can do a fun thing and write it down as an accomplishment because it's part of my homework! This is a very long post, sorry, so the last thing I'll say is to be kind to yourself. You've had enough people in your life being hard on you and emphasizing everything you've done wrong. It's time for some kindness and recognition of the things you've done right -- allow yourself that. I lived in Australia for 4 years -- l

My own story!

Hi You sound as though you are in a similar frame of mind to me. I'm so frustrated with myself for not being able to pull myself through this, but it takes all my energy, it seems, even just to do the things that were once automatic. You also sound like a very strong and determined person, in that you're taking great steps to actively get yourself past this episode. To be caught in the spiral with the gastritis must be intensely aggravating for you -- have you thought about tackling one thing at a time? I realize that they are interconnected, but looking at everything at once must be overwhelming. Thanks for sharing your story. Janice