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Messed up again


13 years ago 0 823 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Lula! Your posts were such an inspiration for me when I first logged on here! I followed your quit with such empathy!  I'm on day 50 now.  Last night I had a dream that I smoked in the middle of the night & couldn't log in today becauseI was racked with guilt that I had bailed!  But it was just a dream; I didn't really smoke! But WOW!  It seemed so real!  I hope you're able to find a way to get thru this Lula! No matter what tho, you came to the right place! Peteg is back with wonderful words of wisdom & a good dose of !  Maybe if you read your own words and lovely replies from many folks - right here on this post, you will see what a lovely diary it is!  Thinking of you today 
13 years ago 0 206 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Oh Lula, I am SO sorry to say that I know exactly what you're talking about!  We certainly deserve better after such a long struggle, do we not?
 
But I guess facts are facts, and that's just the way it is.  Your "battle" language resonates 100% with me; every quit I blew, I blew because I was too tired of fighting it, or in your language, "too much trouble to go on fighting."
 
That's why I'm trying to drop the battle language from my quit, because I know from brutal and harsh experience, this is one battle I can never win.  Fortunately, we have a long and illustrious international/intercultural tradition of glorious and victorious "non-fighters," or at least fighters who chose to fight in non-traditional ways, going all the way back to "Turn the other cheek," and "If your enemy demands your cloak, give him your robe as well."
 
The old, "traditional" language of using weapons in our quit just doesn't work for me any more.  I am not "armed" with an emergency plan, with gum, bottled water, pills, patches, or anything else.  Used as weapons, those things all contributed to my downfall in the past by suggesting that they would fight -- and win -- on my behalf.  God knows, I still have all of those things (well not the pills this time), but they are not weapons, they are friends who travel with me and help divert my attention from the addiction. 
 
Sounds like linguistic hair-splitting, but for me, it's not.  I can't win, so I have to come up with another approach.  I have to learn to live with the addiction, because it's not going anywhere, and I'm sure as heck incapable, speaking ONLY for myself, of beating it into a pulp.  Some (ha!  MOST) bullies are just too big and too strong for me.  I guess in my own wimpy way, I can't "stand up" to him, so I'll just run between his legs and try and stay out of his reach.  All that running, if nothing else, is great cardio!  But by whatever terms, or by whatever means, he will never wrap his big, ugly, powerful arms around me again.  He just won't.  Soon my run around him will turn into a dance around him, but I know it will never stop.
 
peteg
13 years ago 0 57 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Pleased you're back Pete!!
 
You're right, the battle is different for everyone but I was doing so well, so well that I thought I had the battle won and that yes I'd get to the top of the mountain... well guess what.........I just don't see a "top" at the moment. The mountain is still there but now there's no summit (was there ever one?) and it just seems like too much trouble to go on fighting. I feel like I'm just back to square 1..like on the first day of my quit...talking to myself and trying not to think about it. How can that be after nearly 7 months?
Lula
13 years ago 0 206 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
The battle seems to be different for everyone.  For some, Day 2 is the day they never look back and never regret.  Me, I was still battling at Day 900 and finally got tired of fighting it.
 
Now I'm trying to figure out how to make friends with what you call the obsession (great word for it), knowing that in my case, it will probably be a life-long companion.  In my own case, I don't think I can win the battle, so I have to learn new tactics; i.,e., how to live with it without allowing it to have any more power over me.  I think that means starting by taking it one crave at a time.
 
Maybe that's a little defeatist, but in every other quit, I saw myself climing a mountain and expecting to reach the summit at some point (and take an elevator down, maybe??), and be done with it.  This time, I'm trying to understand that the climb itself is all that matters.  (Heck, there are probably too many clouds up there to see anything, anyway.)  My personal goal is simply to stay on the path, no matter what.
 
Don't know if that helps any....
 
peteg
13 years ago 0 57 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Roxie, thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm not so bad but I do feel a little down, one day I'm okay and not thinking about smoking and then I get one of my obsessive days and it's all I think about.
Does this battle ever stop?
Lula
13 years ago 0 45 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Talulha. You have a really pretty name. :) I'm glad to hear that your surgery went well and that you're fine. What amazes me as a newbie is how much you vets go through and still stay quit.I really look up to you guys.
 
I went through Hell while quitting, and I don't ever want to do it again. I've quit other things and left people who were toxic...over time, the memories of how bad it was fade...and then the "good" times start flooding back.
 
They're NOT good times.
 
When I feel physically sick, I also feel vulnerable. That's when I crave my former "security blanket" more than any other time. I've learned to reach out to friends, actually talk to people on the phone or in person...anything to remind myself that I'm not alone. That I am strong, no matter how fragile I might feel.
 
And occasionally, I pamper myself like I'm a hurt kid...and I cry, cry, cry until it all washes out.
 
Please stay quit.
 
<3
 
--Rox
13 years ago 0 57 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Well well....this is what happens when you get smug....something comes along and pulls you right up!  There was I feeling good and then 2 weeks ago I was told I had to have an operation on my foot, okay no big deal, but I can't believe that I suddenly started to think about going back to smoking! It was like I suddenly had an excuse, the worry, the nerves etc! It was like the addict in my mind had returned full time and I've been waging an ongoing battle since then not to smoke. I had the op 3 days ago and I'm fine but I even found myself looking at the lowest tar/nicotine cigs we can buy here in Madrid. I feel like I'm back to the beginning again, I hate feeling like this.
Lula
13 years ago 0 653 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hey Lula,
 
It's great to see you doing so well that your self image is changing. That is powerful stuff! Feel free to check out our sister website, Healthy Weight Centre, where you will find other folks who are shedding the unwanted side effects of after-quit pounds! Like this site, it's great!
 
Tiana, Health Educator
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13 years ago 0 57 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
hey everyone! there are some great people on this site and from what I can see the advice is flowing! It's such a nice feeling to be able to come here and read what's happening. It's great to see the advice and to see some things that I can think "hmmm I remember that"! Next Friday it'll be my 6 months quit, I can't wait, going for one big treat, off to an urban spa for the morning!! water and massages here I come! That's my big reward for getting this far. NOPE....for ever and ever!!
Lula
Now if somone could tell me how to get rid of the 5 kilos I've put on........!
13 years ago 0 97 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Talulha, I've been involved elsewhere in a discussion about which is more important, willingness or willpower.  While most people said "willpower", I have come to know that willpower cannot triumph over everything.  When it comes to addiction recovery, willingness makes a much more effective tool than willpower. 
 
If you are willing, you will get through the rough spots because you want to from a much deeper place than if you try to just brute-force your way through with willpower.  Willpower works great if you have to go to work when you'd much rather spend the day in the garden, but to overcome an addiction you need the willingness to persevere until you have succeeded. 
 
About three months, or so, into my quit I went to the doctor for a dizziness issue.  As the nurse was taking my blood pressure she asked how the quit was going and I said "Great!" with a smile.  Then she looked at me all serious and said, "You had one, didn't you?"  Geez!  Where did that come from?  So I put on my knowing little smile and replied, "No, I haven't, but I suspect you did."  Now I don't know why I said that.  I had no reason to believe she smoked other than the wrinkles on her face, but the way her face turned red and she wouldn't look me in the eye as she lead me to the doctor's examining room spoke volumes. ~chuckle~

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