roxi,

 

   Everything you said I have also gone through.  Panic Attack symptoms fit nearly all diseases.  But it's just a panic attack.  I've been driving to work for a few months now.  Somthing I was not able to do.  I had to be dropped off and picked up everyday.  I have my set backs from time to time but I get through it.  Friday I was going to work and I got a big PA ,  I found myself driving so fast (and my car goes fast -09 Challenger w/5.7 Hemi) but only for about two or three blocks then I got to a light. I then realized that I've been here before (not to mention I could cause an accident).  I was to the point of shaking and hyperventalating.  I took a slow breath through my nose and slowly let it out through my lips and I calmed down. I was still shaking but, in control.  I then continued my drive to work calmly.  The more you challenge yourself the easier it gets.  That's what I'm learning. 

   Going back to work for me was scary.  I almost didn't show up the first day.  I'm glad I did though.  I had not worked for about four years.  I was a mechanic when I started getting PA's and they just got worse and worse.  I eventually had to stop working.  I went to so many doctors, had ultrasounds, x-rays and even had a tonsilectomy.  You see my fear is that I will stop breathing.  I've been to nursing school and know that the windpipe and the esophagous are two different pathways.  But then my lip started to swell. So now I think I'm allergic to cumino although, I know it can be stress or salt or somthing else (because it always swells in the same place) and it goes away with benadryls.  I take two benadrlys everyday, .... I wonder if that's bad?  Anyways I got really lucky with this job.  I got hired in the parts dpt. at a dealership here in town ( and it's down the street from the hospital which makes me feel a lil better).  I was then put to work as a technician when all the techs quit and were left with just one.  Turned out he was a EMT.  Funny how life works out.  He no longer works here and have since come back to the parts dpt. but, the cashier that works in here with us is also an EMT.  Crazy ...... I'm so glad I came in that first day.  I concealed my PA's up until two months ago.  They wanted to send me to another dealership to get some training in another city.  It was about a fifty minute drive.  So I talked to the general manager and explained my situation.  Turns out that the owner of the dealerships has a son with the same problem.  He was actually the General manager at our dealership when I started working here ...... I always wondered why sombody had to drive him here and back.  So I've been pretty lucky so far.  Life's tough, ... if you have an opportunity to help make someone's life better ... take it.

 

p.s. One last thing I wanna share with everyone.  I had been stressing about my bills because I went a little bit over my budget these past two weeks.  Yesterday I was so depressed and then my girlfriend made feel even worse.  I had fifty dollars left and, note I never play the lottery because I don't believe in it.  Well I stopped at a store bought a soda, a water and 25$ worth of 1$ tickets.  I scratched about ten of them and none of them were winners.  I then saw a priest walking by my car and as I scratched the ticket it revealed to be a $1000 winner.  It really made my day.  Oh and also later that day there was a guy waiting for me at my house. You see I have a small recording studio in back of my home.  I really didn't feel like recording him because it was for free (favor) and he takes a long time.  But when he finished he gave me forty bucks.  I'd been pretty depressed all month.  You see  May 4, when I was a junior in highschool my mother was shot and killed.  That was elleven years ago.  Then mother's day come right after and then her birthday on the 21st.  So I had been pretty down. 

Well it finally happened.  I was at the hospital nearly everyday.  I feel so alone.  No one really seems to care.  I ask people for help even though I know I can only help myself.  I go to the hospital because I feel safe there and so that noone will have to deal with me.  My aunts and uncle work there.  I lost my job nearly two weeks ago.  I worked at Dodge. I got another job working accross the street at Ford.  I stopped going because they were having me drive out of town and I can barely drive here in town near the hospital.  I find myself digging myself deeper and deeper.  I'm trying to get a job at the Chevrolet dealership now which is right next door to the hospital.  Lately I don't even want to go home.  Today though, ..... today was a bad day.  I was at the hospital waiting for my girlfriend to finish work (she's a nurse).  My grandma has been worried of how my condition is getting worse and worse.  (I have also been out of xanax and paxil for 2 weeks and my blood-pressure has been high.... diostol like 120)  My grandma has had panic attacks all her life and she wants to help me. So she calls this man, then she calls me that a man is going to call me, I say okay.  The man calls me and says he's with Regional Home Health and that he wants to help me, I say okay.  He asks about my condition so I tell him how I've been spending more and more time at the hospital and I lost my job etc....  I tell him how I can't go anywhere.  So he says that there might be somebody in the hospital with human resources that might be able to help me, he says let call her and i'll call you back I say okay.  He says that I might be able to qualify for medicaid or something because I told him that I'd been having trouble finding a doctor to see me because of lack of insurance.( my gf is worried about my blood-pressure) He calls me back and tells me that a Mellissa is going to call me and she might be able to help me I say okay and thank you.  Then I get a call from the hospital (it's Mellissa )  She proceeds to ask me how she can help me.  She says she recieved a call from a Javier Rosales but, I guess he didn't explain anything to her so I go on about how I am etc....  She says okay let me talk to a Deena and I will call you back. I say okay. A few minutes later a police officer comes up to my window from behind.  He asks if everything is okay I say yes he ask what I'm doing there I tell him I live out of town and have not been feeling well and my gf suggested waiting there until she finished her rounds.  He asked if I'm a musician  and that he's a friend of my dad's.  I say oh okay nice to meet you.  A second man (head of hospital security) comes and says that they have been recieving calls about me and say oh okay he then asks me if I'm going to see the doctor in the emergency I say no I'm just waiting for my gf.  He then ask if I'm sick if I have a cold and I immediately know that it's in reference to a nyquil bottle in the car.  I say no not really.  He then says " because you know nyquil can make you drousy " i respond " I know I've been to nursing school" o okay so you know well i'd appreciate that if you have somewhere else to go that you go there.  i say o okay allright.  he walks away the the officer tells me to that Hastings says hi and they walk off. So now i'm like what do i do where do i go? I call my gf she's in the next town over I call my sister she's two or three towns over then she ran out of gas later on about 12 miles out of town.  So I'm like what just happened?  I go to a gas station accross the street and a lady from the car-wash next door recognizes me and tells me to get out of the sun and to go over.  So I stay there while my gf comes back into town.  My gf stops seeing patients which were two left and we go home leaving one car at Wal-Mart which we have to go and pick up in a while.  On out way home the girl Melissa calls her and ask "if the guy in the red challenger is her boyfrien etc... " Letty says yes and proceeds to explain to her about my anxiety and how bad it has become.  The girl goes well he's not allowed here at the hospital anymore unless it's to go to the emergency .... then she asks my gf if i take any medication for it  my gf says yes but that i had run out and my gf asks me which meds I was taking i tell her and she tells mellissa ....   my gf tells her that I've been this way for at least 5yrs. and it has gotten worse .... the Mellissa say's (knowing that I'm right next to my gf "and you are still with him?" (if my gf got cancer i wouldn't leave her) and gf looks at me and says well yeah  ... then she (mellissa) says  "but he's not the father of your son .... right?" GF "no"  Mellissa "oh well you dont have any attachments to him then"( you see everybody at the hospital knows my gf because she had been working there since she was 18yrs old.  and she is now 30yrs old.) so Mellissa knows who Letty is but,  I'm just taken by how insensitive some people can be ...  and working under the assumed name of our lord Jesus Christ (Christus Spohn).  she also told letty that she did call security,  It just made my day that much worse.  I'm sorry I'm not looking for self pity or anything I just needed to vent.  Oh and my dog died yesterday from a heat stroke.  Thanks for listening.