Sorry to hear you are having a tough day. It is hard having a bad day when you are starting to feel better, it feels like such a step backwards. But it ISN'T! Everybody has bad days, everybody! It is normal. And this too shall pass! Hang in there and it will get better. As long as the ups are bigger then the down, you keep going up! Life is a cycle but it does get better! So hang in there and remember we are here for you! 

Thanks for the encouragement and the support!

Karla, no my birthday is this week but we celebrated this weekend and will celebrate again next weekend. But our birthdays are definitely close together lol. And thanks for the pat on the back. It always helps.

CM,

Well I might not be a party animal yet, but I am less and less terrified of parties so I guess that is progress! And you are right, the anticipation, wondering if you can do it or not is often worse then the actual event!  So thanks for reminding me of that as I feel anxious about this wekk. But you are right, I fret and frenzy myself and I will most likely do just fine this week hahaha! I needed the reminder. Thanks! And thanks for the kudos.

I have come back from my party. It is a bitter-sweet feeling. Sweet as I feel victorious. I went there and acted nice and sociable and I wasn't the first one to leave! Not even close. So woohoo for me!

BUT

Bitter as this party left me feeling exhausted and tired and sad and brought up a lot of issues for me. Today's party was at my dad's. ME and his wife has major issues. And although lately she has been wonderfully nice, I still feel stressed out with her. I always feel like I am waiting for the claws to come out. Like this is just a truce that will turn into an ambush! Plus there are a lot of hurts in my past related to her...Her saying bad things about my mom (whom I adore) is one of them. Even tonight I heard her with my brother saying bad things about my mom(not sure what the context was)...BTW, my brother was not saying bad stuff about my mom, only she was... Also, all night there was talk about family and family unity and how lucky we are to have a united family and I felt like: "Are you kidding me! Am I in a different universe than you are? Am I in the Twilight Zone! I barely get to see my dad. Growing up with all the tensions I did not get to see him much. (part of that is his fault for being a workaholic).  There are tons of "family pictures" in which I don't appear. "Family trips" without me. Most of my life I felt as if that woman wanted me not to exist! And now we are all lovey-dovey and a united family? What universe did I just land in? So I spent all evening pretending to feel part of a family I don't feel a part of so as not to break the illusion for everyone. I felt anxious and angry and sad and displaced and lonely and like a total FRAUD! I pretended my behind off! Give me an Oscar! And on top of it, there are too many secrets. I know so many secrets that would blow the lid off that little united family I am not part of! Too many secrets. I wish there was none. I hate secrets. They make me feel bad and anxious. So many secrets that would break it all and shatter my life in the process. None of them are secrets I want to keep. They are all secrets I HAVE to keep to protect others from each other...I HATE IT!!!!! And the worse part is that if any of those secrets come out I am the one who will get it because, for some odd reason, any time anything goes wrong in that family I am the one who gets the angry phone calls and the recriminations! And I am the one who doesn't want the stupid secrets!!!! I hate this. And usually I make my peace with all of it but when I go there and I exhaust myself pretending it just all comes back up and my peace is shattered and I hate it! But I still go because my dad is sick and has been fighting cancer for over five years. He is in chemotherapy as we speak. And I don't know how long I will have him. So I go to make him happy but I hate it. But every time I am there i am afraid I will let a secret slip and my world will just come to a screeching halt and people (me included) will get hurt. So tonight was really tough on me. And the worse part is I have to do this again next weekend as I have another evening with her and my dad next weekend. And it will be just the four of us so there will be nowhere to hide... She is trying so hard to be nice and kind to me, but I don't trust the peace and I feel afraid. She is not a bad person but we have a lot of hurt and bad history between us... Our relationship in the past has been toxic and I am not sure I am over it. 

So now I am sad and tired, no exhausted and anxious feeling. I feel unsteady. And I am sorry to vent. I should be proud of myself for getting through 2 parties but instead I feel unsteady and anxious. Thanks for letting me vent! I needed to get this out really badly. Thanks again.

I am glad to see you feeling so well and doing so well with your carreer! I am super happy for you! Thanks for the update and i hope to hear more from you soon!

Thanks for the encouragement!  

CM, 

Considering I started dealing with this disorder in the first half of my teens, I wasn't ever a paty person either lol. But i am getting better at it! 

Breanne,

Thanks, I am proud. As for the family stuff. I am always shocked at how much it affects me. I find peace and balance and acceptance until I get into a room with that woman and all of a sudden I feel very uneasy and angry and sad and bitter and scared. As for experiences, like sunday, they are surreal to me as everyone speaks of this reality full of family unity and love and that is not what I went through at all, that is not my reality. 

I guess I am always surprised just how deep the cuts are, just how big the scars of it all are. It is hard to grow up ( I was not even ten yet when my dad remarried) knowing there is someone out there (who btw, is making a new life with your dad) who wishes you did not exist. It is hard to deal with that same woman saying horrible things about your mom (who is your one safe harbor in the world) in front of you. It is hard to know your dad spends more time with her daughters than with you. It is hard when you see her daughters sitting on his lap to watch t.v. while you sit alone on the opposite corner of the couch...It is hard to be yelled at and insulted by an adult from whom you don't know how to protect yourself. It is hard to keep secrets you don't want to because it would start fights...I guess what I am trying to say is that I felt pretty messed up after the party. It is taking me some time to sort through everything again and make my peace with it again. But I will! I always do!  Also, what is hard is that if I talk about this all I get for answers are things like: "Buck up!" or some generic positive answer! I think people do that because they figure I will buck up as I have become good at dealing with my stuff and staying generally positive etc... But sometimes, some understanding would be nice lol. As I said, at this point I am settling down from the whole thing and I know that by tomorrow I will be at peace with it all again.

Another thing bothering is a situation at work. Where through no fault of my own, my student and me ended up in two different class rooms. So we both waited for each other for the length of the class... Well, I will most likely end up not getting paid for my time, getting the blame for it all and having to give that class back to the student! It just feels unfair... But fighting it would take more energy then just accepting it would. So I will just accept it but it is bothering me at the moment. But as with all things I will make my peace and move on.

As CM said, upwards and onwards! Today is a really bad day but tomorrow will be a good one!

If a thought is causing too much anxiety, that I will challenge immediatly. I take out a pen and paper and just challenge the thought till I calm down.

Just thought I would drop in and say welcome to the forums.

I have no children so I have no advice on the matter. But I did want to drop in to say I am here for you if you need to vent though! Hang in there, you can do this!

Sorry to hear you had a rough day yesterday. And how are you today?

I am glad to see you had a good experience with Tai-Chi! And two hours of being more relaxed feels so great. So kudos to you! And keep us updated of your progress!