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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

Genejockey, Thanks for keeping us posted on how you are doing. It is really great to hear about all of your successes. I am sure other members here have found your story inspiring. Enjoy your trip, you deserve it! Sarah, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 187

Thanks everybody.

I am still panic free. Which again is a major improvement. To all of you out there who don't as yet believe that you can be panic free- believe it!!! It is possible. I remember the absolute dread, the nauseating fear, the trembling and the palpating heart. At those moments it seemed as if you would never be rid of this plague. Whenever you read other peoples sucess stories you belived that thos same successes would never be possible for you. You are the exception to the rule. I had those thoughts. But now I have overcome them. All I seek now is less generalised anxiety. I suppose however that this is more related to my lifestyle and environment. If only I had to the ability to be more carefree.

Regarding spoiling myself- I haven't really thought about it that way. I didn't think about what an achievement it is to overcome a mental illness. I rather considered my affliction as complete and utter shamefullness. And thus being relieved of it was simply like returning to the norm without agknowledging the feat that it was. The strength and fortitude it required. Thank you Breanna for reminding me of that. I am going to take some leave from work next week for a little while. I will be taking a wilderness trail throught the Kruger National Park, which I am sure will be an amazing experience. It basically involves walking on foot through one of Africa's largest game reserves. I feel most relaxed in the the wild and nature brings me great relief from stress.

Ok so herewith the update.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 123

Heya Gene! Wow, you have come a long way from having troubles driving before to today where you have none! Congrats for that!

I understand what you mean about feeling like you're not achieving your full potential. I have the same thing from time to time...personally, I think this is because I wanted to do so much when I had my anxiety but couldn't do it, so it left a sort of void that needs to be filled. Funny thing is, the area that I feel needs to be filled, was only filled with needs/wants before. But, I've found that finding activities/distractions help. Like snowboarding, I love it...and when I was going constantly, I didn't have that void. Now since it's been a month the void is coming back a little...but I'm finding activities here and there that fill it.

And yea, accepting that this illness is a part of me was a big thing, but in accepting it I found peace. I no longer fight off the anxiety, just let it do it's thing...then go on my merry way.

Cheers to the good fight!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

HEy Gene!

Thanks for sharing your musings with me. It is hard to accept ourselves as having an anxiety disorder. I once read in "the Power of Now" written by Eckhart Tolle that "If you resist, It persists." I do believe that. If you resist, it comes back at you. If you accept, then you can let go of it and feel much more free. I hope I don't sound preachy here, if I do I am sorry. It is just that once I accepted myself the way I was it all became much easier.

All that put aside though. It does sounds like you have made great strides and you should be super proud of yourself. So woohoo, kudos to you Gene! Hope you have celebrated your progress!

Keep us posted on how you are!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Genejockey,

Thank you for sharing these words with other members here.

From your post, it sounds like you have made a lot of progress within your own life. this is something that needs to be recognized. How have you rewarded yourself for all of the progress you have made?

Keep us posted on how you are doing genejockey.

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 187

Thanks for the encouragement everybody. Life is full of ups and downs isn't it? I am panic free and yet on some level I still feel a great pain within. I guess it is a feeling that I am not living up to my potential. That I should be better than anxiety. That I should be able to control my emotions. That I should be able to control myself. Although I have been freed of the constant burden of anxiety there is a restlessness within. Like I should be moving forward all the time. Like stagnation equals devolution. I feel sometimes as if I am on a precipice. That a panic attack could end me back to my former state of being. I know that I have progressed by a substantial margin but I still feel somewhat unsettled. I guess time is all I need. Time between Pa's. When years have gone by I will have forgotten the feeling and hopefully I will move on. It is a bit like grief. I suppose that I haven't really dealt with the reasons why I developed this disorder. I haven't come to Terms with the fact that I could suffer from such a thing. I need to accept that this illness is part of who I am. That I am an imperfect being. Which is OK. We are all imperfect. We all have our weaknesses and our crosses to bear. I would have preferred a cross which arose from the external rather than the internal. But we don't really have a choice do we?

Anyway. I felt like musing...

Hope you are all doing well and fighting the good fight. No battle in life is greater than the battle against yourself and the battle within. Is anything else on this planet actually worth fighting for?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 180

Hi Ya Gene:

Welcome back Gene, nice to hear from you again and congratulations on your success.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 123

Good to hear from you Gene, and congrats again on the new job!

Oh, the site was updated some time ago, not sure if you made a new login but the new site required a new registration. Or if you wanna stick with the old site, when you visit the main page, in the bottom right corner it has an option for "PC 2.0 users click here"...the username and pw is the same as the old one.

Look forward to seeing you around the board!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hey Gene!

I am glad to see you feeling so well and doing so well with your carreer! I am super happy for you! Thanks for the update and i hope to hear more from you soon!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 187

Hi guys!

Hope you are all well and happy new year to all. I hope to begin this year with a new perspective. My attitude at the moment is extemely positive and the thought of panic and anxiety causes little trepidation. Again I have been gone for a while. In my new job I share an office with a lot of nosy people (can't even surf FB on work time

)so I haven't really had a chance to post here. Plus my home PC won't logon to the new site. Irritating... Otherwise my new job is quite cool. I am working with some interesting research. I will be able to combine my everday work here with my PhD and I feel I am providing a meaningful contribution towards helping poor kids who develop leukaemia. I have given a draft of my dissertation to my examiners and I am looking forward to hopefully finishing my Master's quite soon. It has been a long and painful journey. But obviously worth it. As long as the ending isn't bitter.

I have been totally panic free since my last post and I can honestly say that it has been about 3 or 4 months since I had a really bad PA. Mostly what I have had since then is mini attacks.

I guess as you say Joe I have always been anxious. It just never played a huge part of my life and I never really consciously recognised it. I t was just behaviour that I was repeating without awareness. The difference now is that anxiety remind me of panic disorder which was on a totally different level of anxiety. Where anxiety ruled my every waking moment. Its hard to break that cycle. It hard now to see anxiety and panic with a postive spin. I know that I have grown as an individual after having been through this. The character that comes from troubles within is of a greater toughness than from facing external pressures. You have an amazing attitiude Joe and you continue to inspire me.

See u all soon

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