Hi guys,
Thanks for your support and for asking about me. I really do appreciate it. I am sorry I fell off the face of the world again.
I have gone to the doctor and they did a urine analysis and said I was ok. I am going to my doc in two weeks and since I still have pain once in a while I will have her check it out too. But I think all is well.
Up to now, the meds are not so bad. I have a few mild side effects but mostly I am no worse off. I do not know about benefits yet but then again I have not taken the meds for 4 weeks yet and they say it can take up to six weeks before I get the benefits. So, I am waiting to see. Well, I might have some benefits. I think I have been less anxious in the last week and a half or so. In the last two weeks I have taken less of my anxiety meds. So I might be getting that benefit, I am not sure yet. But it would be nice if the AD helped.
Lately I have been extremely exhausted. I get up, go to work, come home, nap, watch tv, sleep and I start all over again. I try to do some housework... I have not been taking my walks or doing my yoga. I sleep a lot. This makes me feel so lazy and guilty. My therapist and my husband tell me to just sleep and recuperate and stop being so hard on myself. But I can't help thinking that sleeping 12 hours a day is unproductive and lazy and undisciplined of me. I feel like I should do more and be better. I feel guilty and frustrated and like I am letting everyone one including myself.
I have had to ask help from my mom. She has been helping me with my laundry and my dishes and shopping and admissions form writing. She also helps with class preparation for my work. I feel so guilty and stupid for needing help for all that. I know she does it willingly because she loves me. She says I am good company and she likes spending time with me and that I am one of the good things in her life. She is the best. But I feel guilty. I feel like I should be the one taking care of her, helping her. I feel like I am a bad daughter and a failure. I depend on my parents for so much. I am lucky to have such great parents. I just wish I was better for them.
I am sorry that I have not been posting. I am also sorry that I have come here and posted without answering all of your posts.
That is why I have not been posting. I am so tired. I am exhausting. Sometimes I would like to come post here but I am too tired to answer all of you so I do not post at all. I feel like, if I have nothing to contribute, I should not post at all. That id why you have not heard from me, because I was so tired and could not contribute.
My therapist says that is how I end up feeling alone and isolated. I do this in real life too. If I do not feel like I will contribute I just don't hang out with people. I don't like feeling like I am a burden. I like being able to help and support and contribute. It makes me feel good.
I often feel that if I cannot help, I do not deserve help. So today, I decided to stop being isolated and post anyway, even if I am too tired to answer others. But I feel like a leech. I feel guilty.
I am going to go for a nap now. But I do want to say I believe in my heart that it will get better. I will be fine. Once I get over being so tired all will be well. My anxiety is under control and I have a good life. I am just exhausted and vulnerable feeling lately. But things get better, this too shall pass.
