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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

My therapist will NOT be doing therapy with me anymore

Hi:

I did the stupidiest thing AGAIN...I wanted help so I sent a LONG email

to my vp. I told him what I did last night, not a smart thing to do. NO RESPONSE

I asked if our school division can get resources or help me now. I guess it is just for

students and not staff.

I guess,No one really cares, and usually I get thru these things and NO ONE knows

in admin. Now did I destroy my f'n career, I loved and said if I don't have

that with those students, what willl I have? The SAD part is they say there

is services, and they tell you to tell others, but NO ONE listens, so why

try to do the right thing?

Struggling thru.....I know you are not a crisis service, and I tried...but I will

try tonight if no one calls, I promise....I will be sad, and angry, and hope

the professionals can come up with a plan for me. The agency wanted to

stop my therapy as of yesterday, then they conceded until I see my shrink.

I do NOT know if I can work with this therapist again, as I know she is

saying what I have, she can't help me with. She is afraid it would not be

helpful for me, however there are NO other ones who will look after this.

I am hoping my shrink will call, but all he says to me, is YOU know the

crisis services, use them etc...... I tried and look what happened......

I have sent out so many warning signals, but people are just too busy, or

NOT know what to do with me, just like my therapist. I don't deserve

that treatment, but that is all I can get here. Thanks for being a support,

I will just see if any one calls, b/c I tried to reach out....I will be OKAY

I really appreciate how members and educators have really helped me

this week. I am now going to sleepy sleepy......Bye Bye for now

Another thought can be the VP was NOT at school and did not get my email,

or other crisis have occurred in the school, and my priority is LOW again. I

should be patient with waiting, b/c that is all I do lately, wait for shrink,

wait for therapist....etc....why

I am sorry for rambling on, as I did that last night, and I may have LOST the

only career that meant so much to me. Hopefully this will NOT be the case

and I hope that people at school division understand and have a heart. I

just wish health professionals or people in power would listen to how much

this has hurt me, beyond comparison of anything else I have endured.

I am just venting as there is NO one to talk to and I feel lonely.....Thanks

Any suggestions for me or comments, and I know you are all sorry this has

happened, so am I. As the educators knew, I was posting this week very

thoughtful posts and I was on a good high. Now you know the mood

I am in. However it is not OVER for me and I am scared and frightened.

right now.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Windsy is off work for a while

Hi Everyone:

How is everyone doing, I hope fine. I had a setback last week, but I am going

to take time to relax/rest and reflect and take care of windsy. Windsy was just

exhausted and needed recharging of batteries, and didn't realize it. Thanks for

all the encouragement and support, I appreciate that so much. My school has

been very supportive, and has said I will always have a job at this school.

I have questions I would like answered, and I am going to organizations this

week that can help me. My family is starting to be more supportive, and

they are willing to support me. Also, I have this site, which I thank you for

so much. My shrink is supportive to the idea of my family meeting with him

and me in December. They want to help me but they don't know how, as

there was "no problem" in their eyes, now it is different.

I am going to do my own research, and look for alternatives for me.

I have started, and I am going to my city's mental health assoc this

week. This is what I would hope the agency would have done, before

they terminated therapy. I guess everyone makes mistakes and looks

in hindsight, as my pdoc wishes we did things differently.

I am beginning to understand that things happen for a reason. I found

that reason, my pdoc will be working with me more, and I will find an

experienced therapist. I am on the road to recovery from depression,

and I am beginning to believe it is okay to reach out to resources to

say "I need help". I am being proactive in my therapy care.

I have done 2 goals in the next 3 weeks and I broke it all down, just like

I learned on this site & cbt. I also am going to use my thought records

and figure out my distortions and try to change my way of thinking.

Incidentally, my shrink was out of town, but I sent him an email. He was

very nice and understanding, we tried something that helped so much.

I see him Nov 12/09, BUT in January he is going to South Africa for 4

months. I will have supports put in place before he goes, and I will

pay attention more to warning signs. Also, I hope to have a new

therapist by then, and if not, I will always be okay. I know I am

not alone, as I have people that care like this site.

I have struggled with having depression, and being recognized as

a person with a mental illness. Do other members have the same shame

& guilt, because we have depression b/c of an imbalance of chemical

in our brain. I am going to start a new thread. Have a great week

moderators, and members and think positively as it is the negative

thoughts that get us into trouble....Windsy

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

How do you accept you have depression?

Hi There:

Does anybody struggle with the fact that they have been diagnosed with

depression, which is a mental illness? Has the stigma of having a mental

illness in the community be so strong, that we hide it. How have other

members got over the stigma of having depression?

How do other members cope with this struggle? I have had depression

for over 15 years, and this weekend is when I finally realized, I DO have

a mental illness. Now my family is finally wanting to find out more info on

how to help me the best, which is a start. Before they ignored it and I was

just being very difficult & moody etc....Thanks...I would be interested in

knowing how others felt.

Windsy

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Creating OWN Contingency plan for therapy Windsy

Hi Everyone:

I hope all educators & members are feeling great. Members & Educators I

have decided I am NOT going to feel sorry for me, on what occurred last

week. I am creating MY own plan what to do for therapy until the end of the

year.I need a back up plan in place, which I really wished that other agency

had in place before they stopped my indiv therapy.

I am going to change that very bad experience with positive thoughts, that

I have learnt from this site. I have started MY own backup plan until the

end of the year. I have put myself on 3 waiting lists in our city. The wait

lists are about 3-6 months. I created a sheet to use in case my coping

skills are not productive and I need emergency numbers.

I now have hope that there are people to help me, I just have to be patient

and I will get to recovery soon. I am now ready after all those years.....

I will be open to receive help from others such as this site, and I plan to

continue on Module 3 for CBT.

This way I hope to be ready by Jan 2010, b/c my pdoc going away to

South Africa until May. This may be a blessing in disguise, in some sort

of way. If I did not CRASH & BURN, the pdoc would have referred me

back to my family dr. However, he is arranging a pdoc to check my meds

etc....I also have 4 appointments until the end of the year, b/c I arranged

them thru email with pdoc.

He worked on self-regulation last week, and it worked to calm me down.

My pdoc is very happy that I am doing the hard work and being proactive.

I am learning ALOT about Mental Wellness, and there is overload but I

am limiting it to services in my city. As my pdoc says, you can teach the

entire courses on mental health & wellness, and he is right.

Take care everyone...As I see it I can take it 2 ways: be NEGATIVE or

PROACTIVE, I choose the latter. I feel much stronger as I have a goal

set and I am determined to accomplish that goal in steps.

Windsy

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

My therapist will NOT be doing therapy with me anymore

Hi Grumbles:

Just knowing you are there, helps me alot. Thanks.....

I am now being proactive on what occurred last week. I

am not wallowing in my self pity anymore.

I am creating my own contingency plan and I am feeling

really good about it. I have a purpose and focus to

get back to work by Nov 16, 2009. I am going on

waiting lists for about 3-6 months. I am doing what the

other agency may have put in place for me, b4 ending

my therapy.

I believe things happen for a reason, and just maybe there

is a silver lining under this cloud. I am learning more about

mental wellness, I am taking a needed break and looking after

me and I have professionals that are willing to help me.

I will be sending my plan to my pdoc and then we can discuss

it Nov 12/09, and I believe we can do good work together until

end of 2009.

Thanks everyone for being my support when I really needed it.

Windsy

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Creating OWN Contingency plan for therapy Windsy

Hi Ashley:

It feels so great to be proactive and responsible for my own mental health recovery.

I decided to do my own contingency plan when I went to a health centre in my

area, the nurse gave me this idea. When I set my mind to do something, I do it.

I have finished my plan, but now I am working on the different resources in my

city, and different resources on the internet. I am an information gathering person

letting people know all good information I find. Now Windsy is using her own

information, as I had the resources just NO TIME to look at it all. Very over

whelming but I will try to take it step by step, moment by moment.

Today I am contacting people to see if they can present for our educational

assistants personal development days. I was supposed to go to a conference

on Friday, but I couldn't, now this is the next best thing. I am determined to

have all info ready for my vp when I return. I want him to be impressed

with Windsy, not feel sorry & not trust Windsy.

Tonight I am going to my group at that agency, and I left a phone msg for my

former counselor. I told her, that I researched possible alternatives to my

therapy and I am on 3-6 month waiting lists etc....I said "I have a plan for

me until end of 2009 and when my pdoc away in 2010. I will be hesitant

and unsure in going, but I know I will be okay, I have my pdoc's support

and other people do care.

If she calls back fine, and if she doesn't that is okay too. I think

the couselor felt really bad how this all turned out, but maybe in

the near future they will do it differently for their clients next

time. Unfortunately, it was me, and I have to live with what happened.

I do know something definitely, if I did NOT have that therapy

appointment on Oct 19,2009 I WOULD be at work today.

My school would NOT know I struggle with a mental illness.

Thanks for listening....

Take Care

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Family's dictatorship on my life

Hi There:

I went d/t yesterday and I had 3 phone calls from the family. I

now have to tell them where I go every day, and I don't think

that is fair. They also say that I have NO rights to privacy

on my own life and it is an open book, which I do not agree with.

I sent an email "I am going d/t, is that okay, what are you doing?

as privacy is a 2 way street.

My sister didn't like that I raised my voice, I have bipolar,

and don't know what is happening to my body. She called

my brother and he ragefully gave me the riot act. B/C I

am unstable in their eyes, I have to check in. This is so

humiliating, I feel like a dog with a bracelet on her ankle

and a prisoner.

I just wish that someone can explain to them, that having

depression is not to be ashamed of. When my student's

were asking about me, she lied. She said I am on heavy

drugs, can't drive, and she is taking care of me, b/c I am an

invalid. Truth is I went to her daughter's vb tourn on

the wknd....how dare she....she doesn't know what it

feels for me, or they don't care .

All she needed to say, the story I am sticking with is

"X overdid it and she needs a rest b/c of her fibro.

It was the truth. When I was terse with my sister, i

just read this card and i felt emotion. However, she

doesn't get it, that people do care about me, and

that I am loved unconditionally.

I now have to put on that "false face" everytime I see

them, b/c I am NOT allowed to express my feelings.

or that means I am sick again, and need looking after.

I am very strong, and despite their ignorance, I went d/t and

walked about 3km for the last 2 days. I also made my own

alternatives to indiv therapy, that I wished the agency eased

me in. I have my name on 4 waiting lists for counseling, which

will take 2-8 mths wait. Tomorrow I am going to our local

mental health office, and I have been to mood disorders.

I am so ANGRY that people don't do this for me, that I

have to fend for myself just like always. Also I don't know

why people use me as a victim to torment. That agency will

not admit that they could have done things differently. The

unfortunate part, it was a person's life they messed with.

UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!

I have my own recovery plan, I created in 3 days. It has all

the numbers I need, and names of websites that help people

get back to work, after a mental health crisis. I actually found

videos, on how others experienced going back to work. My

shrink/gp & work do NOT judge me, but my family has now

decided I need to be looked after.

I also explained why I need couseling ASAP according to

my situation. I sent it to my shrink, and he said good &

thorough work. My strength is my tenacity and I don't

quit, however it is very tiring. I am on another rollercoaster

but I have hope b/c I see my shrink next Thursday. I saw

him on the street yesterday, and I am so disconnected I

didn't realize it was him. I am in such a fog, and feel unreal.

My students(thru my sis

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

aumenting lamictal

Hi Goofy:

I found this to be an interesting post, Thanks. I have been on lamictal- 200mg a day

since Nov/08. My shrink has not found the right dose,and he changes

the wellbrutrinxl (300mg) day. I am wondering could I be having all these

problems with my bipolar, b/c I am on the wrong meds? My shrink keeps

on saying it is not the meds. It is the situation, and I am disconnected.

I get more tense more, angrier, and that is why I have no therapist, and

why I have no rights. People do not like it if I get angry....I can't see pdoc

until next Thursday, and I am trying to think of safety and strength and our

session 3 weeks ago. My mind is a whirlwind, and I am on the hamster

wheel and I can't get off. Anyone else feel like this, and what do they do

cope? I can't seem to do the distracting activities such as do cleaning

or watch tv. My attention span is 0. Thanks Windsy

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

What is you biggest fear?

Hi There:

My biggest fear is being abandoned by a therapist. It happend on Oct 8/09.

and now my pdoc is going to South Africa in 2010.

However, now that my biggest fear is NOT a nightmare and it is true, I

am finding all the strength & tenacity I have to keep going forward.

I am looking forward to 111609 more than any one realizes. I want

to be part of my class again and the students lives. I will live my life

the way I want, and if my family has a problem with that, it is their

issue. I will just forget I get raged at & in order to survive I will

dissociate, as it never happened.

THEY cared about Ms. H. that they made a "home made" get well card

for me. They are concerned for me, and I miss them just like they miss

me. However, I don't know how I can face everyone then. I hope that

they all think I just needed a rest, b/c everyone at GCI knows I do too

much. I am going to think of it this way"My sister is jealous, b/c when she

is sick, NO one makes a card for her. I am loved unconditionally, she is

a bully...so go figure.

I am superwoman who takes care of all the organization, and I

think my teacher will welcome me back with open arms.

Tonight, I keep looking at all the "thank you" cards she has given

me over the last 5 yrs. I don't think she gives Thank yous to other

educational assistants. I hope she will count on me again. I wonder if the

paper work has been getting done, last time I had the flu, NO ONE

even did attendance. So that is what I fear, and also I fear of dying,

as it is so final and many of my older relatives have passed away this yr.

Take care everyone, and keep faith and keep on struggling, we all

are on a better journey.....I am sure we just have to keep going strong

and be positive......

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Family's dictatorship on my life

Hi:

I am just realizing all that typing I do on this site and all the

writing is due to my mania. I think the meds are causing

havoc on my body system. I see pdoc on Thurs, and I

be discussing this with him. He has been adjusting my

meds since Feb, and I have had rapid cycling ever since,

and lost my appetite.

Members, I was not myself for 4 days straight, and I wasn't

the usually me. This is frightening and I think what happened

at agency triggered everything. I came back on Friday, and

I tried to explain to my brother & sister what I have been

going thru all these years. They are in DENIAL, they are

fine, not need anyone. However I am hoping they will not

take anything I say personal, b/c I know I have been very

irritable and angry.

I am thought of & missed at work, that makes mel feel

appreciated. Take Care Have a good wknd

For now, I don't need the poa, but thanx Goofy for

the suggestion. I am hoping I can get meds under

control and not have mania, as it gets me in too much

trouble. School thinks it is the fibro, and I hope to

keep it that way.

Windsy

Evolution Health is not a healthcare provider and does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are currently thinking about or planning to harm yourself or someone else please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room.

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