okay.... here is a small peek into me and my week......
I'm nervous about putting myself out there, but to understand a bit of my feelings right now, I suppose I have to.
It's also me taking a moment to accept and appriciate what awesome-albeit few- people I do have in my life..... That's a step in the right direction, right?
here is a letter exchanged just this morning.
ME:
> Hi Fiend,
> I hate to do this to you at such late notice and I know you (we) were looking forward to it last week.....
>
> I just don't think I will make it tomorrow. As much as I know I should force myself to go out and get out of my brain, I'm afraid I wouldn't be the best of company and I really don't want to burden you with that. Plus, I'm tired... just so very tired.
>
> I'm soooooooo sorry. It's well past midnight and I haven't had any sleep to speak of today.
> It's been a bad week and today I think it all just came to a head. I know it is a combination of many factors, most of all not being on any medication. It's always hard for me to accept that I will always need that to be some what of a functioning "normal" human being. I'm so tired and life seems to be it's bleakest when I can't even try to think straight due to lack of sleep. Anyone who says sleep isn't that important must have some magic pill (and I mean real magic) to keep their brain matter intact.
> I know things will be better once I see my doctor. I know things will be even better when I learn how to (someday) change my pattern of thinking.
>
> I know I have been difficult and pitiful and you have been a very patient friend. I don't know if me asking you to understand is asking too much (because even I don't understand most of the time), but I hope that you will try and not give up on me. I don't mean to make things so hard. I know that somewhere deep down I am a good person and someday I hope to let that person truley shine.
> For now, it's a struggle.
>
> My poor husband. I'm sure he's just at his wits end.... If he only knew what he was getting himself into when he asked me to marry him. He is a wonderful guy, but even wonderful guys reach their limit in time.
>
> Okay--I'm starting not to make much sense. Basically I just wanted to tell you I can't go to the Lake. I hope you read your email early as I only have your phone numbers stored in my phone.
even it decided to poop out on me today.
>
> Please don't waste anytime worrying about me. I will be fine in a matter of time. I haven't decided to give up all together yet and have no plans on harming myself or anyone around me. (that's a statement made for the sole purpose of not finding a 3 day stay in the looney bin)(ha ha)
>
> I do hope you find a happy day despite (inspite of?) my absence from our plans (that I think I practially begged you to make these plans) If I know you, you will.
>
> Thanks again,
>ME
My Friend:
Hey Friend,
Well my friend, if you remember just before I got in my car Monday morning, I told you to let me know if something came up....even last minute....cause that was okay. Maybe you didn't know it at the time but I figured it was a possibility. AND IT'S OKAY!!!!!!!!!! I know what a crappy week it has been for you. Besides, I as
) that I do need to. So be it.
